~*~
If there's one thing in my life I know it's this: never have the words "I have something to tell you" meant anything good. Never. Ever. So, when I heard them come out of Rogue's mouth I just about threw up. What could she possible have to tell me now?
"You know Hank McCoy?"
Who? "Who?"
She sighed and rolled her eyes. "Dr. McCoy? He's big, blue, and furry? Resident scientist?"
Frankly, I'd never heard of the guy. You'd think I'd remember meeting up with someone like that. "What about him?" I really needed her to get to the point.
She'd averted her gaze. Not good. Not good at all. "Well, Hank and I, we've been working for years... On my mutation." She stopped and finally looked up at me. "He thinks...Well, he thinks he may have come up with something. To inhibit it."
Oh. Oh, geez. "Really?" I tried to sound like Mr. Cool, but who was I kidding? This was just what she'd said: really good or really bad. Trying to decide which was the hard part. I mean, sure, it was great that she'd finally get to live her life like a normal person. But, and I know this makes me sound like a selfish bastard, where did it leave me?
"Yes." She looked expectant, like she was waiting for me to make some declaration about what it all meant.
"That's great, kid." I couldn't believe how horrible that sounded once it came out. It sounded like I didn't care at all. Like she'd just told me she'd gotten new shoes or something.
"Isn't it?" God, she didn't sound much better than me. The way we were discussing it, you'd think this sort of thing happened everyday. Like it wasn't a life-altering event.
"What's he got planned?" The girl had been having a sex dream about me not too long before; I'd certainly had them about her. Yet, there I was trying to sound calm and interested in the logistics of a plan that could possibly allow me to touch her. My head was beginning to hurt. Did I want to touch her? It seemed to me all this time worrying about not being able to was rather convenient. It didn't force me into thinking about the ramifications of actually doing it. Oh, I wanted to touch her. I certainly did. But, did I want all that came along with that?
Rogue was already talking when I finally decided to tune in. "...works on nerve endings. Something about my mutation causes any sensation against my skin to trigger the absorption. I'm not sure what the specifics are. He's got something that will work on the nerves. To keep them from sending the message to my brain to begin absorption. Or something like that."
"Sounds good." I honestly wasn't trying to sound like a dick. I just couldn't think of anything else to say. I was trying to process everything she was saying. "When's he going to try it out?"
"Tomorrow." She shook her head, remembering what time it was. "Today. I'm supposed to go down to his lab at 8 am."
I nodded, trying to figure out what came next. What if it worked? What if she finally had the ability to touch? What would I do? There was no doubt that I wanted her. But I was anything but the right kind of person for her. And she'd be able to choose anyone, now couldn't she? Anyone at all. What made me so sure she'd choose me? "Want me to come with you?" I'd be damned if anyone else would get to touch her first.
Smiling, she replied, "I'd like that. Thank you, Logan."
"It's the least I could do. I... I've been a real asshole." I almost laughed, remembering she'd called me that not a few hours before. "But you know that. I just want to make amends. You deserve this, Rogue. You really do."
She smiled again and settled back into her bed wordlessly. I felt her snuggle up against me through the blanket. For the millionth time I wondered what it would be like to have her up against me without it. Without any barriers. Maybe I'd get to find out after all.
~*~
It went better than I thought. That's not true. I hadn't really thought about what he would say. I suppose he said all the nice things people are supposed to say when you tell them something about yourself. Like "that's good" or "isn't that wonderful". They're nice words, but they don't really mean much.
What was I expecting him to do? Jump for joy at the thought we'd finally get to touch? Just because the guy had some lustful thoughts about a girl, didn't mean anything. Logan's a great guy. He really is. But he's just that, isn't he? A guy. And don't guys have thoughts about most girls. What's the expression? If it walks and it talks...or is it just if it walks? Oh, well. At least he'd offered to go with me. That certainly made me feel less anxious about the whole thing. The strange part ...and it's very strange ... is that the entire time I'd been trying to seduce (who was I kidding?) Logan, I'd completely forgotten about what Hank had said. It was like I refused to believe that such a thing was possible. Or ... and this is the horrible part ... maybe I just wanted to use my mutation as an excuse to get close to Logan. If he felt sorry for me (God this sounds awful), maybe he'd want to make me feel better. And that's all I wanted: Logan close to me. The idea that a solution to my problem could actually distance us made me sick. It sounds so ludicrous....
Logan was gone by the time I woke up around 6:30. I showered and dressed but I was too nervous to have breakfast. Instead, I walked to Logan's room and stood outside. I didn't knock; I just stood out there, waiting for him.
He came out a short while later. His hair was still damp and he smelled of aftershave. I had to smile at that. I never thought of Logan shaving, but I guess men don't naturally grow muttonchops. And then there was that thing he did with his hair... Now that couldn't be natural. Although I have to admit, I do find it rather sexy. Don't ask me why.
"Morning," I said.
He smiled. It was that sort of rare smile that made me warm inside. "How ya doing, kid?" he asked as we both headed to the elevator.
"I'm all right, I guess. A little nervous." Boy, was I. My hands were shaking, the palms sweaty. I hadn't been so nervous in a long time. "What if it doesn't work, Logan?"
He smiled, though it wasn't the same kind he'd given me earlier. It was the kind of smile that doesn't quite reach the eyes. A smile you give to comfort. "Then we'll keep trying, won't we?"
At first, I didn't catch it. The subtle use of the word "we". He could of just said "You'll keep trying." But he didn't. I can't say how good that made me feel.
When we stepped into Hank's lab he was leaning over a microscope, fiddling with magnification. He looked up and greeted us. I introduced him to Logan and they nodded their hellos. Hank is a truly wonderful person and every time I look at him, I feel terrible. I've known him for years and, yet, each time I look at him for the first time. Always I feel awkward looking directly at him. I know what it is to have a mutation so extreme you become an outcast. But even I can pass for human. Hank can't. His mutation is so extreme some have called him Beast. He laughs at that. He even encourages the nickname. Still, I have to wonder how much of that humor isn't just a cover for how he really feels.
I sat down and took off my overcoat. I was wearing a tank top ... it was the most skin I'd uncovered publicly since I'd left Mississippi ... because Hank had warned me he'd need access to both my arms. If I'd worn a long-sleeved shirt I would have had to take it off. Considering Logan was coming along, I didn't think that would be wise.
Hank came up to me, wheeling over a tray that contained ...among other things... several large syringes. He gave me a sympathetic look and asked, "Are you ready for this?"
"Yes."
Nodding, he said, "All right. I'm going to give you several injections up and down both arms. We'll wait a few minutes, then do it again." He sighed. "Then, we'll have to test it."
My eyes flew immediately to Logan's. He was staring at me and I knew what he was thinking. I was thinking the same thing. Trouble was I don't think either of us wanted to say it.
Hank looked from me to Logan and back again. "You want me to do it?" he asked.
God bless Hank. With those words, Logan quickly replied, "No. I'll do it."
The needles weren't as bad as I thought they'd be. Hank poked me with them a few times. Then we sat around and said nothing at all. I thought I was having heart palpitations; my heart was beating so fast and erratically. Then he did it again. And we waited again.
Hank was using some foreign instruments to test something or other on my skin. I was watching Logan and Logan was watching the clock.
Finally, the time was up. Hank told us we could try it anytime. It sounded so strange, the way he said it. Try it. Neither of us made a move. I suddenly couldn't look at him anymore; the anticipation was killing me.
I was staring at my hands when I saw one of his inch over. It was hovering right over my knuckles. I wondered if he was scared. "Only if you want to," I whispered.
I saw his hand land on my own. I saw him squeeze my fingers. I looked up at him and he was smiling. Really smiling. I watched as his other hand came up to touch my face. I think I was crying.
Logan stopped smiling. "What's the matter?" he asked urgently.
"It didn't work," I managed.
"What do you mean? Of course it did." He pulled my hand up. "Look, darlin'. We're touching."
"Rogue?" Hank's blue face betrayed his sudden worry.
"It didn't work, Hank."
I think Logan was shaking me. I could see the world move up and down before me. "Rogue, tell us what's wrong."
"I can't feel anything." Logan's hands dropped away. "Not a damned thing."
~*~