~*~
Jubilee pulled a notebook from her backpack and grinned. "Right. Let's get started."
"Jubilee, I don't think this is such a good idea."
The notebook hit the side of Rogue's head with a decided thwack and Jubilee continued. "Title. All good lists need a title. Kitty?"
Kitty groaned and turned over in her bed. "Mother of all Evil! Jubes, I have a... " Kitty's brain was starting to disconnect from her body again. Images of Ewan McGregor in Trainspotting started swimming before her eyes. Before she knew it they were joined by images of Ewan in A Life Less Ordinary. Rogue and Jubilee watched as she giggled inexplicably. Soon, a third set of Ewans made their way into her brain, clad in Jedi-wear. Then, the dancing Ewans merged into one single, perfect Ewan: the epitome of charm, bravery, and nudity.
"Test," Rogue supplied, throwing an annoyed gaze at Jubilee. "We all do. And if I don't get any sleep, I'm flunking."
A remarkably loud snort erupted from Jubilation Lee's mouth. "You're flunking regardless, babe. You're too busy staring at Logan's ass to crack open a book." Hysterical laughter peeled out of her as she realized what she'd said. "Ha ha ha. Crack open! Logan's ass!"
Kitty, pissed at having her Ewans replaced by images of a buttcrack, retorted, "Okay, thanks Jubes. If you have that out of your system now, can we please go to sleep?"
"No! I can't sleep thinking about it, so you two can't, either."
"Don't you think that's rather selfish?" The muffled inquiry came from Rogue, who had pulled her blanket up over her head in an effort to drown out her friend's incessant harping.
Jubilee harrumphed and jumped onto Rogue's bed, bouncing and muttering something about it being in Rogue's best interest to get the list written and put into practice. Sighing as the mattress squeaked and creaked beneath her, Rogue bemoaned the fact that Jubilee probably had more Mountain Dew coursing through her veins than blood.
Grabbing the notebook and taking a pencil from behind her ear, Jubilee cleared her throat and pronounced, "List title: Ways to Get Logan to Notice Me. By Rogue."
"Hey!"
"Shh. I'm thinking."
"I'm not writing that, Jubilee!"
Kitty finally sat up, rubbing her eyes and yawning. "Well, it's obvious no one is getting any sleep," she sighed, then muttered, "Or Ewans."
Jubes hopped from Rogue's bed onto Kitty's. Looking down at her friend, she grinned and asked, "You still caught up on him? I swear, Kitty, you see a guy's peepee *one time* ... "
"Jubilee!"
Glancing over at Rogue, who had also gotten out from beneath her covers, Jubilee replied, "What?"
"Can we get on with it?"
Nodding, Jubilee dropped onto Kitty's bed and sat cross-legged. She licked her pencil and proceeded to write. "Okay. Here's the first one: bat your eyes and tell him you've always found metal skeletons very arousing."
Kitty started giggling. "That's a good one."
Rolling her eyes, Rogue responded, "Don't encourage her, Kitty."
The young Asian girl bowed and laughed. "Thank you, Kitty-san." Grabbing Kitty's teddy bear from her, Jubilee said, "It's your turn."
Kitty's hands reached for the stuffed bear, but Jubilee managed to dodge them. "Oh, take care of little Obi-Wan," she whimpered.
"Obi-wan?" Rogue and Jubes called out together.
Kitty had the good sense to blush. "I... He reminds me of Ewan, okay?"
"He looks more like a Wookiee."
"Or an Ewok."
"Oh, never mind," Kitty almost growled, taking pencil and paper in hand. "Let's see." She paused for a moment, a furrow of concentration etched in her brow. "Ah, yes." She smiled sweetly at Rogue. "Number two: Manage to get yourself stranded in northern Alberta with no money and no food, and then weasel your way into his truck, where you immediately mesmerize him with your wide, nervous eyes."
"Hey!" Rogue exclaimed. "That's not how I told the story!"
"That's how I imagined it," Kitty retorted, taking back little Obi-Wan from Jubilee, who was too busy smirking to notice.
Taking charge of the situation once more, Jubilee said, "Girls, please!" She turned to the girl sitting beside her. "Now, Kitty, if that was a way of getting Logan to notice you, Rogue would be sleeping with him instead of with us." Taking possession of the notebook once more, she added, "We won't give her a turn, since she obviously doesn't know what she's doing."
Rogue sat fuming and Kitty slapped Jubilee against the shoulder. "What? I was kidding!" Jubilee stood and hopped back over to Rogue's bed. She sat next to her and squeezed her arm. "I kid 'cause I love, babe."
The corners of Rogue's mouth twitched upward. "All right. Fine. You two can have your fun but I can tell you right now, it's not going to work."
"It will, too," protested, Jubilee. "Come on. Have a little faith."
Kitty suddenly stood up and began pacing the room, clutching little Obi-Wan closely to her. "Okay, let's get serious. It's one in the morning and we haven't come up with a reasonable way yet."
Jubilee playfully bumped her shoulder into Rogue's and laughed, "Show up naked in his bed?"
Rogue's nose wrinkled as she replied, "That's a way to kill him, Jubilee, not get him to notice me."
"I think if you showed up naked in his bed he'd notice plenty, Rogue," added Kitty, knowledgeable in all things nude since watching Trainspotting.
"Right before he died." Rogue sighed. "He thinks I'm a kid."
Jubilee perked up at the words. "That's it!" Kitty and Rogue both looked over at their friend, confused. "So, we prove to him you aren't a kid anymore!"
"How do you propose we do that, Jubilee?" drawled Rogue. "Show him how mature my friends are?" She nodded towards Kitty who was placing tiny kisses on little Obi-Wan's ears.
A startled Kitty looked up. "What?"
Jubilee raised her eyebrows and replied, "We have to get you a man, too."
Momentarily blustered, Kitty bit back. "I wouldn't talk Jubes. What are those? Smurf pajamas?"
"Hey, I'll have you know these were damned hard to find! They cost me a pretty penny on Ebay."
"I think my point's been made," said Rogue, chuckling
"We're not the point, *kid*," Jubilee huffed. "The point, is to get him to see you're older... "
"Wiser. More sophisticated," added Kitty excitedly.
Rogue was shaking her head. "I don't know."
"What could it hurt to try?"
"Let's see. My dignity, my pride, my self-respect... " Rogue began counting off the items on her fingers.
"Oh, come on. It won't be that bad. Will it, Kitty?"
"What?"
"Stop staring at that bear and pay attention." Jubilee was in full leader mode now, and Rogue could see there was no stopping her. "Here's what I propose: We - meaning Kitty and me, because we can't leave this up to you - will write a list of ways for Logan to see you're not a kid anymore." Before Rogue could open her mouth to protest, Jubilee continued. "Everyday, you will try out one of the items on the list. I will come up with three items. Kitty, you'll come up with two."
Rogue was shaking her head and frowning. "There is no way I'm going to follow a list you two come up with. No way, no how."
"Why not?"
"Kitty, do you remember Jubilee's last bright idea?"
"I... "
"She thought it'd be a good idea to go check out what the boys had planned for the talent competition? So, she had you phase into their room?"
Kitty glared at Jubilee with remembered anger. "But we miscalculated and I ended up phasing into their bathroom while John was taking a shower!"
"Well, thank god you shut your eyes then," Jubilee drawled. "Or you'd be sweet on St. John Alderyce's naked behind."
"Jubilee!" Without thinking, Kitty threw little Obi-Wan at Jubilee, who it hit right on the noggin. Realizing what she had done, she threw herself over the bed and recovered the abused bear. "Look, what you made me do."
"Fine," Jubilee said. "You don't trust me? All right. Rogue, Kitty will be here to make sure my items aren't out of line."
"That makes me feel better," Rogue mumbled.
"And, just as you have to follow our list, we have to do one thing you think of." Jubilee leaned over and hugged an unconvinced Kitty. "Both of us."
Rogue still didn't look quite convinced, but had noticeably warmed to the idea.
"Come on," Jubilee sing-songed. "You know you're wondering about it... "
Closing her eyes, Rogue sighed and replied, "Fine. Fine, I'll do it. God, I know I'll live to regret this."
----------
Day 1 - (Dr J's entry) The mutant subject (aka Rogue) is ready to begin phase 1 of the Get Me Wolverine experiment. As per her instructions, she is donning an especially revealing outfit consisting of lace and leather and little else. In order to ensure the purity of the experiment, the experimenters (me and Kitty) will have to keep close tabs on the day's activities without interfering directly. Binoculars will be necessary. Added to the materials section of the lab manual will also be a sound amplifier. Kitty can phase herself into the AV room and ste - that is, borrow the equipment.
(Dr K's entry) We had a bit of problem with the subject this morning as she apparently did not approve of the lab procedure. That is, however, neither here nor there. She must follow the instructions to the letter or face the wrath of little Obi-Wan. The force is strong in that one. Besides, we have to do whatever she thinks of. Boy, I'm really not looking forward to that one. She is going to be pissed, with a capital P.
(Dr J) All right, the subject is now approaching Area A (aka The Rec Room). She seems to be having difficulty walking. Note to self - the subject is not comfortable in six inch heels, although they do make her look quite tall and model-like.
(Dr K) It is unfortunate to see the subject trip in that manner. If experiment fails, it will be because of this incident. No way will Wolverine buy her as older and sophisticated now.
(Dr J) The subject is being helped to her feet by said Wolverine. He seems to be laughing, but not overly so. Perhaps the subject has a future in comedy. PERHAPS, that is the way to the gruff Canadian's heart? Will have to note in lab manual.
(Dr K) Older and sophisticated went out the window when subject failed to bat her eyelids successfully. Instead, the fall caused an undue amount of stress. Sweat and makeup do not mix. Remind Dr J to buy the kind of mascara that doesn't run. Raccoon eyes went out in the sixties.
(Dr J) The subject is completely oblivious to the mascara quite liberally dribbling down her cheeks. She does appear to be blinking quite rapidly. Wolverine is watching her rather amusedly, which makes me think the comedy thing may not be such a bad idea. Subject makes a pretty convincing clown.
(Dr K) She's going to kill us, I think.
(Dr J) Subject must have caught her reflection in the television screen because she is running out of Area A quite rapidly. While this researcher believes the subject is not endowed with the gift of super speed, it will have to be looked into.
(Dr K) She's definitely going to kill us.
----------
"You!" Uh oh, thought Jubilee. She's got us now. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"Us?" squeaked Kitty. She had dragged poor little Obi-Wan to the first run of the experiment and was afraid now he would be terribly injured.
Rogue was angry. She was seething. If not for the fact that she wasn't a dragon, she would have been breathing fire. "Look at me! Does this seem right to you? Does it? I look like a GD raccoon and neither of you helped me!"
"We can't interfere in the experiment," offered Kitty, in an unfortunate choice of words.
Jubilee was smirking. "GD?"
All hell broke loose then and there. It all happened too quickly for words. Rogue, in a fit of anger and disgust and pure rage, grabbed poor helpless little Obi Wan. It was a tragedy of Greek proportions. Euripides would have been proud. He would have cast Rogue as his Medea, had he seen her in her fury. Alas, it was Kitty Pryde who was left to scream out for little Obi Wan, wrenched from her arms, taken at such a young age, for such petty reasons.
"Dude, Rogue, chill. You don't want to do anything you'll regret." Jubilation was watching carefully. In Rogue's hand was an interestingly sharp hair pin. It was aimed right at one of little Obi Wan's eyes. Ironic, thought Jubilee, that it was Kitty who chose that pin.
"No! Not little Obi Wan! Take me instead! Please, Rogue, I beg you! Me!" Kitty was in hysterics, blubbering like a fool over her bear.
Rogue, all powerful now that she had a hostage, glared at her past tormentors. "All right. This is it. You all are going to have to rethink this whole thing."
Hands out in supplication, Kitty whimpered, "Anything, we'll do anything, Rogue."
"Shut up, Kitty!" Dr J was not quite ready to offer 'anything' as a bargaining chip. Hell, she didn't even care about Kitty's stupid bear.
But Rogue had taken Kitty's words and flown with them. "One, no more humiliating outfits. Anymore skin showing and I'd be classified as a lethal weapon."
"That was the point," muttered Jubilee, who promptly shut her mouth under Rogue's withering gaze.
"Two," the subject continued, "there will be no weaseling out of my plan for the both of you. No exceptions."
Kitty was nodding like the fool she was and Jubilee had no choice but to nod grudgingly.
Dr J and Dr K thought Rogue looked a bit too pleased with herself when she declared, "Three: I will personally oversee any item on your list and have final veto power."
A hand clamped over Kitty's mouth before she could speak. "No way, babe." Jubilee readjusted her hand when she felt sharp little teeth biting at her palm. "This is not going to work if we leave it up to you."
Rogue's eyes widened so much Kitty thought they'd pop out of her head. "This isn't going to work if it's left to me? To me? This is my fault now?"
"You have no proof it wasn't working up to the point you ran away."
Her mouth was open, Rogue knew, but all that was emerging from it was a strange rasping sound.
"Plus," added Kitty, having extricated herself from Jube's grasp, seemingly less concerned about the fate of little Obi Wan's eye, "maybe the whole mascara thing was working for him. He is kinda weird."
Jubilee was nodding. "Dude, babe, he is."
"I cannot believe what I'm hearing."
"Let's just hand over the little Obi Wan," Kitty was saying, "go back up to our room and rethink the experiment for tomorrow. Okay?"
She was reaching for her tribute to Ewan but was blocked by Rogue's voice. "No! We're not through today yet."
Jubes and Kitty blinked. "We're not?"
A decidedly malicious grin crossed Rogue's face. "I believe it's your turn, lab rats."
----------
(Dr R's entry) I didn't think this would be quite so much fun but watching Subjects K and J scurry about like chickens with their heads cut off... Well, nothing beats that. Subject K was understandably reticent about parading her pride and joy for St John, but she'll get over it. What she won't get over is the fact that she had to explain just why the dumb thing is called little Obi Wan. This sound amplifier really comes through in a pickle:
"What are you talking about Kit?"
"Um, well, see, Obi Wan was really dashing and stuff..."
"That's a bear."
"Yeah, but, he's really cute and he just reminds me..."
Silence.
"See, Ewan is just about..."
"Ewan?"
"Yeah, Ewan. And, well, little Obi Wan..."
"Who's Ewan?"
"Um, McGregor. You don't know who Ewan McGregor is?"
"Was he that guy who was in Trainspotting?"
"Yes, but - "
"Man, that was so gross, when he had to climb into that toilet? Man."
"Uh huh, as I was saying..."
"And then he was naked. Shit, what was that guy thinking? Did you see that Kit? Did you see that guy's dick in that movie? Damn embarrassing if you ask me."
"I didn't."
(Dr R) Not a note technically found on a lab report but: ha ha ha. Now, on to Subject J. This was a doozey to think of. Yup, this experimenter personally thought about this for a full five seconds before deciding on it. Damn straight. Ah, yes. There's Professor X now. And Jean's with him. Even better. I have got to hear this:
"Jubilee. Good afternoon."
"Woof."
"Jubilee, are you all right?"
"Meow."
Silence.
"Snort."
"Professor, should I probe her mind?"
"I'm concerned for her, Jean. Perhaps she is undergoing some sort of breakdown."
"Grrrr."
"Should I take her to the lab?"
"That may be wise. Let me try communicating with her. Jubilee, can you hear me?"
"Cheep cheep."
"Professor?"
"Perhaps she is trying to tell me something."
"Cock a doodle do."
(Dr R) Well, I think that's it. Maybe we're even now. Subject J is running away from the Prof and Jean, who both look quite confused. This one time, I'll excuse the fact that she isn't flapping her arms like I told her to.
----------
"Shit Rogue, that was cold."
Rogue nodded. "Even?"
They were back in their room now and Kitty felt free to stroke little Obi Wan's furry head without garnering strange looks from St John. "I'd say so, Rogue." She paused. "At least until tomorrow."
"Tomorrow?"
Jubes whipped out her notebook and picked up a pencil from her desk. "Yes, tomorrow. You didn't think we were giving up on this, did you?"
"I was hoping," Rogue squeaked.
"No way in hell. Come on Kitty, we have to think up Day 2." She turned and winked at Rogue. "You'll like this one. Trust me."
Trust me, thought Rogue. Yeah, right. "I trust you about as far as I can through you."
Jubilee was already dragging Kitty out of the room. "Tomorrow, Roguey. Tomorrow."
~*~