The Pieces of My Heart
[Story by All American Princess]
[Page design by Dr.Who3]
P 1
Jessica sat up in bed, looking around the dark bedroom,
wondering why her alarm hadn't gone off yet. She tapped
the blinking clock to get a decent glance at the time,
shook her head and turned off the alarm. Weird, she thought,
I haven't gotten up before my alarm for awhile.
Shrugging it off, she jumped the gate in her doorway and
walked sleepily down the dark hallway and the cold wooden steps.
Stopping in the kitchen, she made her breakfast and flopped into
her favorite pink recliner. Looking out the large living room
windows she saw that the sun was just coming up and the light
wasn't on in the house across the street. That's weird, too.
She found herself asking out loud, I wonder why he's not up yet?
Shrugging that off too, she finished eating and went to change
for school. She looked across the street again as she was leaving
for the bus, but the light wasn't on. She shook her head and
kept on walking.
P 2
The day went normally, boring classes followed by the
after school color guard practice. Jessica's knee had swelled up
again and so, her biggest problem was walking. She limped down
to the guard closet with her friend Melissa and they put their
flags away. Then she grabbed her backpack and walked out to
her ride. Her dad was drumming his fingers on the dashboard
to a radio song when she opened the door. Chucking her
backpack and clarinet in the back, she hopped into the front
seat and greeted him with a cheerful HI!
Hi! he replied, How was color guard?
Fine, she answered as they pulled out, except for my knee,
but I'll live.
P 3
They exchanged various news as they drove down the twisted hill
and she thought about the poem she had started on the bus that
morning. Up the twisted road I go, no turning back,
For that I know..., she thought to herself.
Hey, her dad started, did they make any special announcements
in school today? She passed him a puzzled look and said,
No, why? Should they have?
I was just wondering, he answered, because Brant hung himself
last night. A look of pure horror and utter shock took it's place
on Jessica's face as childhood memories flashed through her brain.
P 4
Dinner was a mental blur for Jessica. Images kept flashing through
her head as normal dinner discussions went on. She faked a smile
so that she wouldn't be questioned, but the pain inside was
immense. After dinner, bible class. She plastered her fake smile
to her face and pretended that nothing was wrong. Her friend
Sheena walked into the room and Jessica kept the smile on her face
until the pastor came in. Everyone took their seats and the pastor
handed out little pieces of paper. The lesson has been changed
tonight. Due to some recent events, I think we need to talk about
this instead. She looked down and the top of the paper said
SUICIDE. She looked up at the pastor with frightened eyes and
then at Sheena. Alex asked, Why are we learning about this?
The pastor looked at Jessica and she looked at Sheena and said,
Sheena, Brant killed himself last night.
The lesson was a blur in Jessica's eyes, she was too busy trying to
think straight.
P 5
After class, her dad drove her to Wal Mart to pick up a new CD.
She and her friend Jamie indulged in a conversation with a hot
college guy about being broke and then walked dreamily off to
leave. They went to a grocery store to pick up a get well balloon
for her friend Staci and after a battle with it, they dropped Jamie
off and went up to see Staci. She visited with Staci for an hour and
went home. Taking a final glance at the house across the street,
Brant's house, she turned off her light and went to sleep.
P 6
The alarm went off and Jessica jumped. Oh my God!
What a nightmare! Jeez! She shook her head and looked out the
window. The streetlight was still on and the lights were still off
across the street. It was all just a horrible nightmare. It was all
just a BAD dream. She climbed out of bed and turned to leave
the room. But something caught her eye. Her diary was lying
beside her bed, the keys next to it, and her Winnie the Pooh pen
on top. That's it! In my nightmare I wrote about this in my diary!
I'll just look and see if there's anything in it... Then everything
will be fine. She walked over to the chair, picked up the key,
kissed it, and inserted it into the keyhole. Please don't be here!
Please don't be here! , she prayed, and then opened the diary,
found the white ribbon, and turned to the page the ribbon
had marked.
The date, March 21, 2000, was written at the top and she knew
it wasn't a dream. It's true. It's really really true!
He's gone, she said. She closed the book up, locked it, and
stared at the angels on the cover. I thought you were supposed
to guard him, she said angrily and tossed the diary to the ground.
Jessica had no appetite so she wrote a note asking her mom to save
her muffin for tomorrow. Then she flopped into the recliner and
turned on the news. She felt like she had been slapped in the face
and pretty soon she just went upstairs. Not feeling like doing
anything, she pulled on a large gray sweatshirt and a pair of flared
jeans. She brushed her hair back into a lumpy ponytail and put
simple gold studs in her ears. She wore no jewelry (with the
exception of her watch), no perfume, and no lip gloss. She tossed
a piece of gum into her mouth and went back downstairs.
She shrugged off the fact that she had not done her homework
the night before and turned back to the TV. They'll forgive me
after the announcement is made, she thought, And if they don't,
screw 'em. At a quarter to 7, she grabbed a coat and walked out
the door. She checked to make sure she had what she needed.
Fifty cents in her pocket for the vending machine if she got hungry,
ID in her wallet in case the bus driver carded her, and backpack.
Everything was there so, she looked over at the dark house again,
then at the rising sun, sighed, and kept walking. Plastering her
fake smile on wasn't going to do any good today so she let
herself frown and look broken.
Upon reaching the bus stop, she saw a lot of people knew
because they were making fun of him! Jessica felt anger bubble
inside of her but, she kept her mouth shut and looked for Meghan.
Meghan never showed, but the bus did. She climbed on and took
a seat by herself. She stared out the window and her mind went
blank. She knew school was going to be Hell.
P 7
The bus pulled into the loop at its normal time, and Jessica
got off. She walked through the glass doors and into the
commons students were everywhere but she couldn't tell
who knew. No one was crying. Not yet, she thought,
but they will soon. She walked slowly through the hub, looking
for her friends, but not really thinking. A few people passed her
as she looked through the glass wall to E-pod and a few waved.
But Jessica merely glanced their way. She watched the floor color
change from white to red carpet and she trudged to her locker.
After changing her books, she walked out of the pod in a daze,
looking for Leslie and Zane, but only halfheartedly. She dropped
her backpack off in her homeroom and began looking for people
as she walked back to E.
I won't cry. I'm not going to cry!, she told herself,
I've got to be strong! Then she looked over and saw Spencer.
His eyes were already red and he looked so lost. Jessica knew
she was going to lose it. She caught up to Leslie and saw the
concern in Leslie's eyes immediately. What's wrong?,
she asked. Y-you don't know?, Jessica questioned back.
Leslie looked confused, Know what? What's going on?
Brant committed suicide.
Oh my God. Leslie said.
I knew, Zane informed Leslie.
Zane, why don't you tell me these things?!, Leslie cried.
Sorry.
Are you OK? Leslie asked, turning back to Jessica.
He was my friend. He was there for me, Jessica replied and
started to cry.
Leslie put her arm around Jessica and they walked into E-pod.
There they found Melissa and her boyfriend, Jimmy.
Oh my God Jessa!, what's wrong??, Melissa cried when she
saw them coming. Brant *sniff* committed suicide,
she answered in a small, cracking voice. Then Jessica broke
down sobbing in the arms of her friends. They walked around
until the four minute bell rang, stopping constantly so that
friends could come and hug her. They finally stopped outside
Jessica's homeroom and just stood there. Mr. Dixon came out
and asked if Jessica wanted a pass to the guidance office.
She shook her head no. That was one thing she wouldn't do.
In homeroom, she talked to another girl that knew Brant and
they exchanged the information. Then they took their seats.
An announcement came on a few moments later and everyone
knew what it was. The principle said Brant's name and Jessica
instantly fell into Zane's arms, sobbing hysterically.
He comforted her and she sat down, still crying, but not as badly.
Mr. Dixon came to her with a pass and said, Just fill in the time
and use this pass to go to the guidance office if you need to.
Jessica thanked him and shoved it into her pocket.
P 8
The bell rang and Jessica shakily got up and walked out of her
homeroom with Zane by her side and Leslie soon to be.
Leslie put her arm around Jessica and they slowly walked out
of G-pod. They found Melissa R. when they were out of the pod
and she walked with Jessica and Zane when Leslie turned the
corner for her class. When Jessica was left alone in the hub,
she slowly walked on to math. Melissa K. caught up with her
and put her arm around her as they walked down yet another
glass-walled hallway. Jessica just cried softly and Melissa
comforted her with soft words and hugs. When they reached
Jessica's math class, Melissa hugged her and told her she'd see
her in 50 minutes and that everything'd be OK.
Jessica walked into math class and sat in her seat. She dropped
her backpack on the floor and just propped her head up with
her hand. The teacher saw her and nodded. Trish smiled sweetly
and said, It's going to be OK. Just smile. Jessica nodded and
attempted a weak smile.
All through class, Jessica just thought to herself, Why?
Why Brant, why? It doesn't make sense... She felt so alone.
The phone rang that period and her teacher walked over to her,
That was the head councilor. One of your friends asked their
teacher to call her. You don't have to go if you don't want to.
Jessica nodded again and thought Leanne, you're a sweetie.
The period seemed endless. Melissa wasn't there after class
so Jessica walked to chorus alone.
P 9
She got to chorus and saw a lot of her friends, the ones
who knew Brant, and the ones who didn't. She counted out
a bunch of her elementary school friends and was really tempted
to go talk to them, to hug them, to cry with them, but she didn't
know if they would turn her away. She saw Noah, he wasn't
crying, but he looked so far away. Claire was not in class and
David looked as though he didn't care. Chris had gone to band
and Meghan wasn't upset. Jessica sat down on the risers and
both Melissas and Leslie hugged her when she started crying
again. She looked up and saw the torture on David's face and
the agony in Noah's and thought her world was over.
The choir director stepped up to the piano and said in his
great booming voice, I know it's going to be hard today, but we
have to try to rehearse. So please stand up. Everyone stood up
and Mr. Weaver started rehearsal. When he had the women sit
down, Jessica started sobbing softly into her shirt. her friend
hugged her and Mrs. Hinkle came over. There's a room open
now where you can go and talk if you want. Would you like a
pass to go? Jessica nodded. Can you put our names on that, too?,
Melissa K. asked. Sure, Mrs. Hinkle replied.
She wrote them a pass and the four girls left the room, leaving
their belongings behind. They went to the room where Mrs. Hinkle
said were people who knew what room to go to.
E 108, the lady said. Councilor!, Jessica's brain flashed. Her friends
led her by the arm but she pulled away. I'm NOT going to the
councilor. I'm going back to class!, she screamed and began
walking quickly back down the hallway.
It's not a councilor, it's a classroom, Leslie informed her.
Melissa K. grabbed her arm and Jessica broke down again.
Both Melissas helped Jessica upstairs and into E108. Leslie handed
the councilor their pass and Jessica sat down. She just cried.
Then a newspaper landed in her lap. It was folded to the obituaries.
There she saw Brant M. Dominick in big bold letters. She threw
the paper to the floor and sobbed.
Who's gonna protect me now? Who's gonna be there? Who's going
to shovel my sidewalk? Who's going to help me shoot a basketball?,
Jessica mindlessly asked Leslie. Leslie just answered, I don't know.
I don't know. Jessica broke away from her friends and went to the
window sill. She sat on it and looked out the open window.
Brant, she started, I miss you. Why did you leave me? Why did
you leave them? She sighed and stared out the window. She was
brought back to reality by Melissa K. who tapped her on the
shoulder and questioned, Are you OK? Jessica nodded and
looked at the clock. I want to go back to class, she announced.
her friends nodded and they went back downstairs. They grabbed
their stuff and hugged good bye before the bell rang.
P 10
Jessica walked across the loop with Nicole, but didn't really say
anything. Nicole ran her mouth the entire way, babbling about
this boy and that friend. Jessica tuned her out but her mind was
blank. She went down to gym and changed her clothes. She sat
on a bench and sighed. Rachel was crying too. Jessica went down
to handball and partnered up with Marjorie, as usual. But there
was no energy in her. She just sat on the floor and talked
to Marjorie. Then she saw Rachel sitting over on the other side
of the subgym. She walked over and sat down with Rachel
and Kari. They sat and talked, and Rachel sang a song. It was so
sweet and Jessica and Kari began to cry. When Jessica started
sobbing again, rachel helped her up and they went to Mr. Bobby.
Can we have a pass to go up?, Rachel inquired.
Mr. Bobby nodded and wrote out a pass. The three girls,
still in gym clothes, walked back to E108 where there were so
many more girls all sitting in a circle talking.
They were sharing memories, but Jessica kept quiet.
She laughed a little and cried a lot, but went back downstairs
to change her clothes near the end of the period. The three girls
stopped at their fourth period classes to tell their teachers where
they were. Jessica went into Mr. Buck's class and had never
seen so many concerned faces before. They all looked so sad
for her. She showed her pass and left the room.
On the way back to Epod with Rachel and Kari, she saw
the nurse's door open and the nurse push a wheelchair out.
It took Jessica about 5 seconds to realize it was Noah, all limp
and lifeless in that chair. She started to cry again and
she screamed SHIT! SHIT! WHY?? My world is falling
apart! Shattered into pieces!
Rachel hugged and tried to calm her down. Shhhhhhhhhh,
she said. Jessica broke down in Rachel's arms and cried again.
They took Jessica back to the room and she sat on a desk.
There, she just zoned out and heard minor parts of the
conversation, all of them making her smile a little. She was
feeling a bit better by about the middle of the period and she
even went for a walk around the pod with
Beaner and Jamie.
P 11
Jessica went to her locker and to English as usual.
She sat on her desk ( a habit formed long ago) and
Ashley came in to hug her. Mrs. Yaggi sent her a
sympathetic smile and Jessica gave a small smile back.
Leslie and Tyler came in and went over to her.
Leslie asked Jessica how she was and Tyler just gave her a
sympathetic look. Jessica handed Leslie 50 cents and said,
I'm not hungry, but could you get me an iced tea or something?
Leslie said, Sure. and Jessica went to her normal lunch table.
She waited there and was forced to talk about everything by
Hilary, who was new this year and didn't know him. Jessica drank
about half her tea and threw the rest away. Her stomach was in
a knot and she felt like throwing up. The lunch bell seemed to
take forever and a day to ring. Jessica was never happier
when it did.
P 12
In English class, her teacher didn't seem to care about the
whole thing because she just went on with telling everyone
about the mock school shooting that was enacted during
school on Monday (a volunteer thing, there was no
school that day). She also mentioned Brant, not caring
that Jessica began to cry softly at her desk when the
name was mentioned.
Jessica daydreamed that period away and went to her clarinet
lesson. She thought about going back to that room, but decided
it would be better for her mental health if she didn't.
Last period science was OK because Claire wasn't there
and neither was annoying Kara. Jessica just zoned out completely.
The day was finally over and Jessica was so glad. Her world had
crashed down at her feet and she just wanted to go home
and crumble, too.
P 13
She rode the bus home and put on her fake smile when she
got home so that her mother couldn't see that she was upset.
Everything was just fine on the outside, but the inside was
torn apart. Her mind was in shreds, her stomach a tight knot,
and her heart, a cold lump in her chest.
Jessica went upstairs and pulled a slip of paper from her pocket.
Earlier that day she had gotten Jimmy's (Melissa K.'s boyfriend)
phone number so she could call and check on him. She knew
he played soccer with Brant on the school team and she wanted
to make sure he was OK. She picked up the phone and dialed
the number. No answer. So she tried Melissa's number.
Answering machine. She tried Jimmy again. No answer.
Jessica propped herself up on the bed and looked over at Brant's
house. There were some people sitting on the front porch.
Probably relatives, she thought, That little girl is kind of
cute though...
Then she thought about herself being that little and then
she thought of Brant. Jessica remembered holding on to his
backpack on the first day of 1st grade. She remembered
sitting next to him at lunch and asking him to open her
doritos for her. She remembered playing basketball in his
backyard and playing school in her garage. All these
thoughts made her cry again, so she picked up the phone
and called Jimmy again. This time he answered and the two
talked for an hour and a half. There discussion was deep,
very deep. They promised not to tell anyone what they talked
about and then hung up. Melissa called then and she tried to
pry out what they talked about. Jessica refused to tell.
She went to dance after dinner that night, but there was
no energy to anything she did. She was easily frustrated and
it was easy to see she was upset.
In modern, they had a circle talk and Jessica started crying
again. Porkchop and Sammy were very nice to her and
Angie shared the same feeling. Then she went home.
The evening wore on, homework did not get completed,
but Jessica took a warm shower and fell asleep at 9:30.
P 14
When she woke up the next morning she once again told
herself it was a dream. Everything was fine. Nothing had
happened. The light would go on today. Then she went
downstairs. Sitting on the polished coffee table was the
newspaper, open to the obituaries. There she again saw
Brant M. Dominick. She fell into the recliner and shook
her head. It WAS real and she had to deal with it.
She went to the kitchen and got a chocolate chip muffin.
She forced about half of it down her throat before she was
sure she would throw it all back up. She went upstairs and
dressed a little nicer, pulled her hair back neater, and went
back downstairs.
She left for the bus as usual, rode the bus in a spacey state,
with Meghan snapping her fingers in Jessica's face. In school
they had created a huge bulletin board with Brant's name
and picture in the center. Everything was in green, his favorite
color. But she just couldn't bring herself to sign it yet.
Every time she passed it, she felt like crying. It was as if
someone slapped her each time.
Classes were normal, nothing special all day. The funeral
was to be that evening, but play practice came first.
She went to practice, but wasn't her normal cheery self.
She knew she had to go that night.
P 15
Her dad picked her up again and they went home. After dinner
she dressed for the funeral in a white quarter sleeve and a
black skirt. She let her hair down and left with her parents.
By the time they got to the church there was a line about a
half a block long. They joined the back and soon they were
seated up in the balcony.. Jessica went and sat with a
neighborhood friend, Alison. She could see everyone form
where she was.
She began to name the people. The whole soccer team was
there, sitting in the front row, with numerous students behind
them. Teachers had come, and a few people she didn't know
and assumed were relatives.
The service was beautiful and the letter from the pastor to
Brant made Jessica cry. Seeing the casket in the aisle made her
face hard reality that her friend and protector was in there.
He was really gone. It was so painful and she could hardly
hold it in.
After the service, her mother and father took her outside so
her mother could smoke a cigarette. her father wandered
off to speak with the pastor and Jessica saw her friend David
standing on the corner. I'm going to socialize mom, she said
and her mom nodded. She walked over to David and started
a conversation with, This seriously sucks doesn't it?
They talked for awhile until she was ushered inside and
downstairs by her parents to pay her respects to
Mr. and Mrs. Dominick.
When they had done that, her mother went to talk to a friend
and her father went to raid the dessert table. She saw David
and a girl she didn't know sitting at a table. When David saw
Jessica he motioned to a chair across from him and when
Jessica shook her head no, he gave her a puppy dog face and
she felt reluctant to sit down. The other girl was introduced
as Sarah and the three chatted until Jessica was yanked away
from her friends. She waved good bye and was quizzed all the
way home about David.
P 16
Jessica woke up the next morning with a sense of peace.
She knew Brant was being laid to rest that morning and that
life was going to have to go on. Still, she missed that
morning light.
P 17
Note from the author :
Brant Michael Dominick died on March 21, 2000. He hung
himself in his basement. The reason is uncertain. I miss him
terribly and writing this story was incredibly hard for me but it
is my way of putting the memory of his death behind me.
I will always remember his smile and his sweet attitude, the wars
he and the snow plow had every winter, how he taught me
to shoot a basketball, how he protected me and helped me,
his incredible face, his sweet smell of Curve, and his winning aura.
He will always be in my heart, but I know that one cannot go on
living in the past. One must put their foot forward and go
into the future. I love you, Brant, wherever you are and I miss you
everyday. Please guide me in my future, Brant, and give me
your strength and winning attitude.
"Just as time passes, so do memories pass as well, but those
who stirred our spirits live on in our hearts." ~unknown.
~Princess
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