I've never understood people who wear wigs. In Glasgow they say 'Why pay good money for a wig when you can get the same effect by putting glue on your head and sticking it in a barber's midden? 

 When I'm on the road, I always have to have a good pen - if you've just got a Bic, they think you're on the skids. 

 American sex shops are the most bizarre. They sell these inflatable dolls, but they also sell just the head - supposedly for people to drive along the freeway with. 

 People think there's only one way of wanking, but I've discovered a great new way. You lie on your arm until it's gone dead. Then you do it. And it feels like somebody else. 

 The great thing about being a showbiz personality is that you don't fart any more. You get a fartectomy in Harley Street. When I got mine done, Princess Anne was in the queue behind me. I don't think her's worked - she still looks like a horse just shit in her handbag. 

 What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find? A silver sixpence? 

 Language is fascinating. The real names for things can be so awful in English. Like 'penis' and 'scrotum'. Yuch. No wonder they had to invent different words for them, like willies, bums, and tits. 

 One thing they do in Hollywood is put cocaine on their willy to help them keep it up. So now I always have a salt cellar of cocaine on the bedside table. 

 Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it's easy - you look under the kilt, and if it's a quarter-pounder, you know it's a McDonald's. 

 My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger. 

 Ian Paisley's wife went to the dentist the other week. The dentist asked her 'Well, how's the mouth?' 'Still in bed' 

 There are two seasons in Scotland. June and Winter. 

 If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name? 

 Do you remember that politician who died with the fishnet tights and all that? Aw, his poor family. I wonder how they dressed him in the coffin? 

 Some people say 'I like women to talk dirty during sex' I like them to shut the fuck up, I'm trying to last a decent time. 

 Some people have a mirror above the bed to watch themselves doing it. But I'm such an ugly bastard, I don't want to see a big white arse moving up and down. 

 Isn't the scrotum an ugly bugger of a thing? It's like a hairy brain, an ugly brute of a thing. I'm sure that's why it's tucked away in the corner. 

 Poor Michael Jackson and these sex allegations. As if it's not bad enough him being a Jehova's Witness, they're accusing him of behaving like a catholic priest! 

 The weary willies say 'Thou shalt not!' We're a race of men who wear skirts and no knickers! We fucking shall, we've done it before. 

 I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives. 

 I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound. 

 My parents used to take me to Lewis' department store in Glasgow. They were skinflints, they used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was the zoo. 

 I can't use escalators. The bannisters are always moving faster than the stairs. 

 It was so cold that when I woke up in the morning I found a wee ice cube in my bed. I threw it in the fire and it went : FART! 

 It's so cold there that when you go for a piss, you have to snap it off when you're done.