Let me count the ways...

by Alison Cummings

Take Rise N Shine’s carefully devised quiz (well actually, it’s copied off the NME ‘Are you a real fan’ quiz, 19 June 1993. I found it quite funny, but if you’re easily offended, you might not see the humour). Anyway, match your answers against the sociologically analysed results, and find out how Extreme you really are!

1. An unconfirmed rumour suggests that Extreme are staying in the Farquarson-Smythe suite in the Park Royal Hotel, 30 miles out of town. How do you attempt to secure an exclusive audience with them?

a) It’s 1am and you really can’t be arsed. You go home to bed.

b) Hitch a lift to the hotel, break down the fire escape door with an axe and scour every floor until you find the room.

c) Walk five miles to the real hotel (the other one was a decoy), go up to the roof, abseil down the building and smash into their room and force them to talk to you for four days before finally forcing all four of them to sign a marriage contract to you.

2. Van Halen and Nuno’s new singles are released on the same day, along with previously unreleased Extreme material. What do you buy?

a) The Extreme CD.

b) All of them on CD, plus the Extreme double digi-pack CD (parts two, three and four available in the coming weeks, which you will also buy).

c) The individually serial numbered (from a limited edition of ten) fur-sleeved Nuno CD with free bubble bath, signed gatefold sleeve and poster bag, the one-off collectors’ edition Van Halen single with free guitar signed by all band members, plus every single format of the Extreme material. Then threaten the record shop assistant to keep the whole Nuno wall display for you and no one else.

3. Extreme reunite for a tour, but it clashes with your all-important exams. What do you do?

a) Make sure you’ve got all your revision done early so you can go to the gig near you.

b) Don’t go to the exam so you can spend the entire day trying to meet them - after all, it’s the only chance you’ll get until they get back together again.

c) You gave up education/work last year so you could follow each member around the world. You’re banned from all the venues, but that’s no obstacle.

4. What is your attitude towards Nuno and Suze?

a) "It’s their wedding anniversary soon. I’m very happy for them."

b) "The bitch. She is only after his money. I hate her."

c) You are currently under a court restriction order for two years, preventing you from going within ten miles of her, after you gouged her eyes out last week.

a) "I’m outraged by his actions. I will never buy his records again."

b) "It’s horrible and completely unforgivable - but I still love his music."

c) "It’s a set up and a satanic plot against his name. No one understands Extreme like I do. They are my gods, my whole reason for living - if he goes to jail I’ll kill myself. Cabbage cabbage cabbage aubergine."

6. You meet Nuno and he spits in your face. What is your reaction?

a) "The wanker. He doesn’t care about his fans. I will never buy his records again."

b) "Yeah, I know what he’s like but I still love him."

c) "Oh, it was heavenly! It smelt of roses, and I managed to get it all into my specially prepared sterilised capsule. It’s now mounted and framed on my wall! Gribble snark ktwing!"

7. For how long have you been a fan?

a) About six months.

b) Right from the start, and ages before everyone else started getting into them.

c) From before they were even born. God wanted us to be together, so I’ve loved them all my life. It is my destiny and theirs too. All their songs are written about me. Grey bicycles on toast.

8. Describe Extreme in not more than 50 words.

a) Just, er, really great. I like the songs. Er, that’s it.

b) They’re incredibly horny, incredibly talented, and much better than Bon Jovi.

c) Split up. I had to order them to do it because their last single, which was consequently never released (but I had a bootleg copy of the demo), told me to in the line "Oooooh yeah baby, I’m down on my knees, I’m begging you please". And they betrayed me because of the line "Well it’s Saturday night and I’m feeling alright". Praise Satan!

NOW ADD UP YOUR SCORES AND FIND OUT
HOW EXTREME YOU REALLY ARE...

Answers:

Give yourself two points for every c), one point for every b), and, sorry, no points for a)! Now check your score with the character analysis.

0-3 points:  Just who do you think you are, eh? Gary, Nuno, Pat and Mike slog their hearts out for you every day - they need every bit of support they can get, their genius is alone in a hostile world, and all you can do is buy their records, sit back and enjoy them! You’re not supposed to enjoy it, you scum! You have to join their suffering, but there’s no point in telling you this. You don’t deserve to live any more.

4-11 points: Oh yeah, you’re really such a fan, aren’t you. I suppose the fact that you wouldn’t spit on them if they were on fire is just by the by, isn’t it? You may boast about being a true fan, but you’re just like the rest - a sheep! Hang your head in shame!

12-16 points:  You are a true, loyal Extremist. You, and only you, understand their music, their lyrics, their very being, in fact. They love you, and want to marry you and live with you forever - they just don’t know it yet. But you have the dedication and love to make them see that. You are a wondrous human being and not a sad case who smells of wee like everyone says. Now, if you’ll just take this nice pill and put this straitjacket on, we’ll go and see them, shall we?