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IMPORTANT NOTE: Everything on this website is RUBBISH. I did most of it under the influence of alcohol, or teenagerism. I'm sorry for everything exept the first few links, which are good. The rest is bad. I'm not like this anymore. Please forgive me. THE SUPPOSEDLY FUNNY STUFF: The Pasta Under the Bedsheets Activists Have you ever searched for the perfect way to annoy people you know? Are you interested in pasta warfare? Would you like to know how to use innocent ingredients to brutally victimise people? Why, then you're a budding pasta under the bedsheets activist!. How to eat a hamster Why is it that people don't know how to perform this simple and hugely benefitting task? Here, I show you how to gain maximum taste and minimum effort in scoffing those scrummy rodents! The Cult of Bob The Cult of Bob is my effort in creating a utopia, a happy friendly group of people, and a manically dangerous cult at the same time. The cult of Bob is growing, we are many, we are all Bob. You WILL join us. Beware of bovines! Cow's are evil and they're taking over the world! It's true I tells ya, it's all true! Read my account of the dangers of cows and you WILL believe! The Merv stories See the reason why this homepage was started - the tales of my pet lepers, teapot dwelling miniature donkeys and spam worshipping tribes, along with many other favourites such as the anally abiding germs of justice, and exasperatingly panting pasta dishes. The Dirty PORN link! I had to get my hit rate up for the page somehow, so have a look at this gorgeous naked totty! OooOohH! Surprisingly, one of my most popular options.... Filthy homepage visitors! The questionnaire bit It's funky, it's peachy, it wants to ask you things about fish, cheese and lepers, as well as the obvious questionnaire whatsits. Fill this in, aswell as the guestbook. It's fun, really. no, i swear. Honest Merv, that's what they call me. Yup. The hypnotic suggestion page Thinking of leaving my page to do something else? Don't like my page? Haven't fulfilled your duty as a visitor on my web page to the full? Then go to my hypnotic suggestion page, where i'll MAKE you want to do all these things! Punish me! Do you think I deserve a good slapping? Have I annoyed with with the cult of Bob? Have I irritated you with my antisocial loud headphones on the tube? Did I hurt your eyes or offend your sensible ways with the inanity of my page? Then get your own back - PUNISH ME!! Cheggers Plays Pop Cock! He is the MASTER of daytime television - my tribute to Keith Chegwin in all his naked glory. You have to be british to understand this. THE MORE UNFUNNY STUFF: Hear me roar! I've taken down the personal section about me, cos it was old and I sound like a bad teenager in it, which I was. It'll be updated sometime if I can be arsed, in the mean time check out what astrology says about me, with the sad and tackily titled "I am leo, hear me roar" section! Piccies! Like all good egotistical vain Leo's it's important to have a section of pictures. You can even get to know me in my leper alter ego, and me and my chums attacking eachother with knives. Isn't that nice? Aren't you tempted to click on the 'piccies' link? I know you are! The old guestbook Since the guestbook went KERPUTT, the old guestbook signings are here. Relive those classic jaffa cake debates, and be scared when you see the type of people I attract to my page, then realise you're one of them! Your life will be changed. You'll grow to love lepers and cheese alike and live in harmony with them. Maybe. My Trapdoor page Trapdoor! Anyone remember that? A brill kids programme from ye olden days when I was a nipper, and it's just suuuch a classic and not-quite-but-should-be-cult-programme! Go there, and learn what TV should be about. Back to the index page Choose this link to go back to the main page, where you can choose to go to this link again! Hurrah! Therapy for bored idiots! STUFF WOT I MADE IN THE PAST: I used to be the head honcho of www.fortunecity.co.uk before the American bosses ruined everything and sacked everyone. Anyhow, sometimes my job involved me stealing things, passing them off as my own, and showing them to others, so we could show our evil banners. Here are some cool pages which I pretended to make, but in reality someone with proper talent made them: Make your own big brother site... ...uisng the names of your friends! This is actually dead good. And I could have made this if i'd have thought about it :o| Test your reflexes It's all in the wrist... Wassuuuup? Those bloody horrid yank ads. So vile... yet the temptation to say wassup is forever there... argh! Torture Jesus! More offensiveness - stone, electrify, and burn the messiah with acid! Torture flies! I ripped this site off to provoke an animal rights fella who got angry at me because of my hamster eating site :o) U.G.L.Y, You Ain't Got No Alibi - You're Inbred! America. Home to talented people, inspirational inventions, ideas, and amusing TV shows. But it's also home to some revoltingly stupid, big head-small faced, cousin-reproduced, lard brained, dribbling, ugly people... meet Gregg and his trailer park trash family! Henrik Teigen This was dead famous for a while so i sniped it - you may have heard of Henrik - if not, so have a shufftie. Fortune Teller! A comical twist on the popular read your mind quiz malarky stuff wotsits. Valentines day thingy Speaks for itself! Make yourself a rubbish valentines day story, then send it onto 50 people or your fish will all die and your bed springs will crumble and little african children will DIE IN LOTS OF PAIN because of you, n stuff. THE STUFF THAT REALLY SUCKS, WHICH I REALLY SHOULD DESTROY AS NO-ONE WANTS TO SEE IT AND IT JUST EMBARRESSES ME: The Immortal words of the Space Cow! Will you be able to comprehend the enormous magnitude of the intellect that beholds the Space cow? The wise words of the evil demon Now extra evil! Do you dare find out what terrifying message the demon has for YOU? The Big Black vortex of Doom that does nothing! The scariest thing you'll ever see, gaze into the terrifying horror that is the big black vortex of doom that sits there and does absolutely nothing. This is not suitable for people who are actually after something entertaining! Lots of Waffle! My leetle page that lets me talk at you about anything that takes my fancy. One day it might contain interesting stuff, but don't hold your breath. Actually, how can you hold your breath? It would escape through your hands. What a stupid saying. This bit was updated every month, but now it's not cos I can't be arsed. It serves only as an insight as to what I was like as a student....*shudder*. I may remove it soon as reading it horrifies me now that i'm a grown up. The Cinema Yay! Bored with all the stupid stuff on the page? Then indulge yourself with a nice bag of popcorn, and snuggle down in an uncomfy seat to watch my film, which isn't exactly in a film format, as that would take up too much webspace. So it's kinda unfilmish, whilst being filmish at the same time. Funky, no? Wonderfully creative dittos Yes, a scrum-diddly-umptious fest of pointess, yet creative poems, and the chance to show the world your hidden talent at bad rhymes. This is NOT serious poetry or anything brain hurting like that, and there's not one bit of goth poetry! Ain't that pleasant? The big lot of links Not just a small lot, but a rather big lot of links here folks! How good am I to you? Not at all really, as this list is exceptionally humdrum, and rather out of date. Awards and Webrings Just like loads of the other stuff on this page, the awards and webrings used to be on the front page, and made it horrible to load up! So go have a gander at them here, if you want to be like me, and be in the same webrings and stuff, or want to marvel in awe at my wonderful homepage making ability. IMPORTANT NOTE: Everything on this website is RUBBISH. I did most of it under the influence of alcohol, or teenagerism. I'm sorry for everything exept the first few links, which are good. The rest is bad. I'm not like this anymore. Please forgive me.

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