Q. Where would you find a duck with no legs?
A. Where you left it.
Q. What's black and white and eats like a horse?
A. A zebra!
Q. What has 4 legs and 1 arm?
A. A happy pit bull.
Q. What's pink and hard?
A. A pig with a flick knife.
Q. What do you call a bear with no paw?
A. Rupert the bastard.
Q. What do you call some bears with no ears?
A. B.
Q. How do you turn a duck into a soul singer
A. Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.
Q. What's grey, wrinkled, and has a trunk?
A. A mouse going on holiday.
Q. Why don't blind people sky-dive?
A. Because it scares their dogs.
Q. What's green and hard?
A. A frog with tattoos.
Q. What do you call a dog with 4" legs and 6" steel balls?
A. Sparky.
Q. What do you get if you cross an owl with a hedgehog?
A. A prick that stays up all night.
Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.
Q. What's big, red, and slimy?
A. An inside-out elephant.
Q. Why do elephants have big ears?
A. Because Noddy won't pay the ransom.
Q. What do you call an elephant's tampon?
A. A sheep.
Q. Why do elephants have trunks?
A. Because sheep don't have strings.
Q. Why do elephants wear sandles?
A. So that they don't sink in the sand.
Q. Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
A. So they can hide in cherry trees.
Q. How did Tarzan die?
A. Picking cherries.
Q. Why do ostriches stick their heads in the ground?
A. To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandles.
Q. How do you make a dead elephant float?
A. Well, you hire a large lorry, put 10 dead elephants on top,
decorate it, add a sound system, some dancers...
You know, I used to be a bestial sado-necrophilliac until I realised I
was just flogging a dead horse.
Two men are walking through a graveyard walking their dogs.
One man turns to the other as they pass and says, "Morning."
The other man replies, "No, just walking the dog."
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood
and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton
fields and never amounted to much.
The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to
eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading
a book, the other was typing away on his typewriter.
The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.
Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers
cramp.
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there
anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes. "Well," says
the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's bloody heavy."
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