THE TWELVE LETTERS OF CHRISTMAS
Dec. 14, 1986
My Darling,
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a "Partridge
in a pear tree." What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have
been more surprised. You're an angel.
With all my love and devotion,
Agnes
Dec. 15, 1986
Darling,
Today, the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine
"Two turtle doves." I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They
are adorable and I love you for them.
All my love,
Agnes
Dec. 16, 1986
Dear Fred,
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one? Now I really must protest.
I don't deserve such generosity as "Three French hens." They are just
darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.
Love,
Agnes
Dec. 17, 1986
Dear Fred,
Today the postman delivered "Four calling birds." Now really,
they are beautiful but don't you think enough is enough? You're being
too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
Dec. 18, 1986
Dearest Fred,
What a surprise! The postman just delivered the "Five golden
rings", one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it.
Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Agnes
Dec. 19, 1986
Dear Fred,
I couldn't believe my eyes this morning as I walked out onto the
front porch and there were "Six geese a laying" on my front steps. So
you're back to the birds again - huh? Those geese are huge. Where
will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep
through the racket. I love your thoughtfulness, but -
Please Stop!
Cordially,
Agnes
Dec. 20, 1986
Fred,
What's with you and those fucking birds??? Today I received
"Seven swans a swimming." What kind of a goddamn joke is this? These
birds shit all over the house and they never stop with that awful
goddamn racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck.
Stop your laughing damn you! It's not funny. Just knock it off
with those fucking birds, OK?????
Sincerely,
Agnes
Dec. 21, 1986
OK Buster,
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with
"Eight maids a milking"?? It's not enough with all those birds and the
8 maids milking, but they had to bring their goddamn cows! There is
shit all over the lawn and I can't even move in my own house. Just lay
off me, smartass!!
Agnes
Dec. 22, 1986
Hey Shithead,
What are you??? Some kind of sadist??? Now I've got "Nine pipers
playing" and Christ do they play! They haven't stopped chasing those
maids since they've arrived this morning. The cows are getting upset
and they're stepping all over the screeching fucking birds. What the
hell am I going to do?? The neighbors have already started a petition
to have me evicted.
You'll get yours, bastard,
Agnes
Dec. 23, 1986
You Rotten Prick,
Who in hell needs "Ten ladies dancing"?? I can't imagine why I
call these sluts "ladies." They've been balling the pipers all night
long. Now the cows can't sleep and all the goddamn racket around here
has given them diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit! The
Commisioner of Bldgs. has subpoenaed me to give cause why the
building should not be condemned!
I'm sicking the police on you, asshole!
One who means it!!!
Dec. 24, 1986
Listen Fuckhead,
What's with the "Eleven lords a leaping" on those maids and
ladies??? Some of these poor broads will never walk again. The pipers
ravaged the maids, gang-banged the ladies, and now are committing
sodomy on the cows. All 23 birds are dead. They were trampled to death
in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious bastard!
I hate your guts, dumbshit,
Agnes
Law Offices
Badger, Bender & Cahole
303 Knave Street
Chicago, IL
December 26, 1986
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift "Twelve fiddlers
fiddling" which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes
McHolstein. As you no doubt have guessed, the destruction of her
property was total. You are advised that all future correspondence
with our client should be cleared through this office.
I feel compelled to warn you that if you should attempt to reach
Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants of that
institution have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter
please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Season's Greetings,
J. Frank Cahole
Attorney
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