CHOICES
Since the swinging sixties, successive generations have convinced
themselves that they can postpone growing up and moving on. That, if
they defiantly strike enough infantile poses, fall for the latest
preposterous fad, or express opinions the rest of us have dumped long
ago, they will avoid ever having another birthday. US psychiatrists
call these people "adultescents"; at their best, they are Peter
Stringfellow. The irony is that the very things most of us loved about
youth - lack of responsibility, the illusion of freedom - are the very
things that the adultescent ultimately deprives himself of.
Those who do allow themselves to make that change discover that they
are more likely to become masters of their own destiny. Once you stop
hanging onto your past like a drowning man to a piece of driftwood,
you suddenly discover you have a future. You also discover that,
rather than having fewer choices, you actually have a multitude of
possibilities. Perhaps the single most interesting choice you face is
what parts of your past to leave behind and what to take with you.
There are rules. It's perfectly respectable for a 40-year-old lawyer
to pogo around in his room to Never Mind The Bollocks. It's a lot
harder for the same man to swagger around slapping high-fives with
every young person he passes. The first looks like fun. The second
looks like a way of life that's no sort of life at all.
Like the Katharine Hamnett T-shirts that used to say, "Choose Life,"
make the choices that give you even more choices - that make life more
fun, more challenging, and, above all, one a hell of a lot easier to
live.
20 things to put behind you
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1. Adultery - there's only so much you should risk for a squirt in
the dark.
2. Second-hand clothes - there is sad, there is mad, and there are
grown men in second-hand clothes.
3. Karl Marx - not even Marxists believe in him nowadays.
4. Running out of toilet paper - when was it ever a good idea?
5. Listening to music out of a sense of duty - start enjoying your
record collection.
6. Extreme forms of masturbation - put down the clingfilm and the
frozen chickens.
7. Alternative comedy - Jim Bowen was right - the only alternative
thing about Ben Elton is that he's not funny.
8. Pretending to like philosophy - or even making out that you
understand it.
9. Being deliberately contentious - you know you don't actually
believe that Johnny Mathis is better than Elvis, that Natural Born
Killers is better than Citizen Kane, and that Britain under Blair
is a facist state.
10. Reading comics - they are not "graphic novels". They make a virtue
of illiteracy.
11. Camping - the Army have to do it, Boy Scouts enjoy it, and for the
peace convoy it's a sense of duty. What's your excuse?
12. Zany behaviour - want to turn into Chris Tarrent, do you?
13. Anti-Americanism - most of the good things in life (literature,
art, jazz, and movies) come from the US of A, so stop living in
the "What have the Romans ever done for us?" Monty Python sketch.
14. Cookery short cuts - rather than indicate a busy and exciting
life, Pot Noodles, microwave Kievs, and boil-in-the-bag cod tend
to suggest you're a lazy bastard who takes no pleasure in food.
15. Hitch hiking - Europe has a public transport network the envy of
the world. Use it.
16. Lying about your age - whether you're raising it or lowering it.
17. Believing racial minorities are beyond critisism - it's OK to
admit there's good and bad in everybody.
18. Eating biscuits in bed - unless, of course, you like crumbs up
your arse.
19. Carrying things around in plastic bags - obviously not shopping;
stuff like Sony Walkmans, CDs, clothes, and money.
20. Pissing in the sink - the sink is a place where you and others
wash your face and brush your teeth.
20 things you should never give up
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1. Lunch - people who miss lunch regularly are not investment banking
titans but small African children in refugee camps.
2. A sense of humour - one that reflects your own personality, not
your faviourite Fast Show character's.
3. Your favourite albums - fashions come and go, but the music that
gets you going should never be got rid of.
4. Holidays - work hard, by all means, but make sure you enjoy the
rewards.
5. Parents - treating your folks like human beings - rather than the
root cause of all your failures - pays enormous dividends.
6. Believing in stuff - a man without beliefs is a man without
purpose.
7. A sense of wonder - never lose sight of the fact that life is
constantly surprising.
8. Ambition - Oscar Wilde said that ambition is the last refuge of
the failure. He died alone in a Parisian hotel room.
9. Reading - people who say they have no time for books are the same
people who watch crap telly for hours on end. Odd, that.
10. Laural & Hardy - 'nuff said.
11. Paying taxes - tax evasion seems clever when you're still at
school. It's less so when a couple of CCJs have landed on your
mat.
12. Your hair - like your parents, if you want to hang onto your hair,
treat it with kindness.
13. Going to the cinema - saying that video has made the cinema
obsolete is like saying postcards are an adequate substitute for
art galleries.
14. Masturbation - everyone should do it. It's a fair bet that
everyone does. Up to and including Pope John Paul II.
15. Butter - do you know anybody who actually believes I Can't Believe
It's Not Butter, is butter?
16. Seduction - wine her, dine her, buy her romantic gifts, flirt with
her mates. Easy does it though. You don't want to actually end up
in bed with her friends. Or perhaps you do. Your funeral, mate.
17. Excercise - fancy using a mirror to see your own genitals? If not,
a little exercise each day is a must.
18. Your teath - without doubt, much of Wilfrid Brambell's comic
allure was down to his lack of teeth. Never mistake comic allure
for allure.
19. Friends - Morrissey was wrong about a lot of things, but when he
sang, "there just might come a time when you need some friends,"
he was right.
20. Photographs - photographs are proof that you actually have a past.
And a man without a past will be a man without a future.
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