The trick to sucessful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden
signs, those tiny giveaway gestures that can tell you so much about a
person. Train yourself to recognize - and decode - these key "signs":
1. Woman won't unlock car door for man - doesn't engage in oral sex.
2. Man gets in car without opening door for woman - no foreplay.
3. Can't hail a cab - impotent.
4. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant - prefers virgins.
5. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant but gets lost on the
way - is a virgin.
6. Insists on going to a romantic, candlelit restaurant - compulsive
Don Juan.
7. Insists in going to a homey little cafe with windmill motif -
compulsive Don Quixote.
8. Insists on going to a Polynesian bar - compulsive Don Ho.
9. Wants to go to a French Restaurant - will swallow.
10. Wants to go to a deli - won't swallow.
11. Uses Sweet 'n' Low - wearing falsies.
12. Takes too long deciding what to order - has trouble reaching
orgasm.
13. Orders salad dressing on the side - will give you a hand job but
will not go "all the way."
14. Gives explicit orders to waiter - will expect incredibly skillful
gymnastics in bed.
15. Asks for extra rolls - will say she's using birth control when
she's not, get pregnant, and sue.
16. Insists on ordering for you, refering to you as, "The lady will
have..." - thinks you had an orgasm when you didn't.
17. Asks for "the usual" - insists on missionary position only.
18. Asks what the specials are - will want you to use handcuffs.
19. Fills up on bread and crackers - premature ejaculator.
20. Doesn't finish everything on plate - has already come.
21. Insists on having some of whatever you ordered - will make you
sleep on wet patch.
22. Changes mind after ordering - will never call you.
23. Changes tables - nyphomaniac.
24. Drinks decaf - fakes orgasms (female).
25. Orders in French - fakes orgasms (male).
26. Sends food back - will sleep with you, brag to all his friends,
then try to borrow money.
27. Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts - needs you to talk
dirty during sex.
28. Orders a dessert involving ladyfingers - wants a handjob.
29. Orders a dessert involving nuts - castrating bitch.
30. Wants to split dessert - is dying to get rid of her apartment,
move in with you, rearrange all your closets, and take down all
your baseball posters.
31. Credit card is refused - low sperm count.
32. Undertips waiter - small penis.
33. Undertips parking valet - small penis.
34. Undertips cabbie - small penis.
35. Uses toothpick - is trying to tell you size isn't everything.
36. Removable cassette player in car - pull outs repeatedly during
sex.
37. Cellular phone in car - penile implant.
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