How To Shower Like a Man
Short version:
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave
them in a pile on the floor.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your girlfriend/wife
along the way, flash her.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your belly
to see if you have pecs. (No.)
4. Turn on the water.
5. Check for pecs again. (No.)
6. Get in the shower.
7. Don't bother to look for a sponge. (You don't use one.)
8. Wash your face.
9. Wash your armpits.
10. Wash your penis and surrounding area.
11. Wash your arse.
12. Shampoo your hair. (Do not use conditioner.)
13. Make a shampoo Mohican.
14. Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror.
15. Pee.
16. Rinse off and get out of the shower.
17. Return to the bedroom wearing a towel, if you pass your
girlfriend/wife, flash her.
Long version:
Replace 10 with: Masturbate using soap.
How to Shower Like a Woman
Long version: (Sorry, there is no short version with women.)
1. Take off the fourteen layers of clothing you puton this morning
because there was a distinct chill in the air due to the
temperature dropping below 5 degrees.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If
you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed
flesh immediately, ignore his juvenile turban gags andthen rush to
bathroom.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your
belly so that you can complain and whinge even more about how
you're getting fat.
4. Turn on the hot water only.
5. Get in the shower, once you have found it through all that steam.
6. Look for facecloth, sponge, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice
stone.
7. Wash your hair with cucumber and lamfrey shampoo with 83 added
vitamins.
8. Wash your hair again with cucumber and lamfrey shampoo with 83
added vitamins.
9. Wash your hair once more with cucumber and lamfrey shampoo with 83
added vitamins.
10. Condition your hair with cucumber and lamfrey conditioner enhanced
with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
11. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes
until red raw.
12. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
13. Complain bitterly when you realise that your boyfriend/husband
has once again been eating your ginger nut and jaffa cake body
wash.
14. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as
you must make sure that it has all come off).
15. Debate shaving armpits and legs and decide that you can't be
bothered, and anyway the hair helps keep you warm.
16. Slick hair back and pretend you're like Bo Derekin.
17. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and
you get a rush of hot water.
18. Turn hot water on full and rinse off.
19. Dry with a towel the size of a small African country.
20. Check entire body for the remotest signs of a spot. Attack with
nails/tweezers if found.
21. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If
you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed
flesh immediately, ignore his juvenile turban gags and then rush
to bedroom.
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