"The honeymoon is over..."
Before she moves in, she wears teddies and suspenders, and you hold
your farts in until she leaves the room; she's a gorgeous sex kitten
and you tell her so; you're so sweet and adorable, and blowjobs follow
ambient dinners like a fine port.
After she moves in, she farts in her grungy trackie bottoms while
hypnotised by Coronation Street; you scratch your nuts unashamedly and
bitch about work; oral sex is strictly quid pro quo and the new girl
in the office really does have a great arse. When apathy replaces
ardour, living together becomes cohabitation; and your gorgeous sex
kitten becomes "her indoors."
Six key indicators of when the honeymoon period has finished.
1. Addictions
Before: You tell her you don't mind the occasional cold beer on a hot
day with your mates, and that you've taken recreational drugs
but those days are well and truly over.
After: For the fifth night in a row you stagger in blotto, dig out
your stash and mull up, pass out in the lounge in your
underpants and expect her to accept that you're just being
you.
2. Bodily functions
Before: You spray aerosol after a crap; piss on the side of the bowl
to reduce noise and never, ever fart in her presence.
After: You fart in front of her with impunity and obvious pride,
commenting on the food intake for the day and speculating on
the resultant odour. Despite repeated pleas to the contrary,
you fart in bed and hold her head under the covers. You think
it's hilarious.
3. Relations/friends
Before: Her aunty Jane is a real character with a lively personality
and interesting views about politics, and her unemployed
girlfriend Amanda is a genuine, charming supportive friend who
you think is really nice.
After: Aunty Jane is a loud-mouthed, pain-in-the-arse fascist with
all the personality of a cold sore. Amanda is a manipulative
loser, but you wouldn't mind slipping her one if the
opportunity arose.
4. Sex
Before: Sex is a sweat-soaked, gymnastic romp that lasts for hours.
You fuck to impress, using all your tricks - your renowned tit
grope, marathon oral sex sessions, and jackhammer-like
screwing. Fucking four times a day is not uncommon.
After: A wank is often preferable to the effort of sex. When you do
have sex, you think about Amanda.
5. Attention span
Before: Her words are hypnotic; her wit is incisive; her anecdotes
about her life pre-you are spellbinding. Over candlelight and
coffee you listen with interest and politely chortle as she
recounts stories of her childhood.
After: Your eyes glaze over as soon as she mentions anything that
doesn't involve you. What's more, you develop the uncanny
ability to be able to concentrate on the TV and listen to her
at the same time. The phrase, "Are you listening to me?"
becomes an evening mantra.
6. The flip side
Before: She thinks you are witty, disciplined, a sexual athlete,
attentive, loving, faithful and devoid of all crass male
habits which have plagued her previous relationships... but
she suspects that you're full of shit.
After: She knows you're full of shit.
|
