A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entedre - so
he gave her one.
A seal walks into a club.
A man with a lump of tarmac on his shoulder goes into a pub. The
barman asks him what he wants to drink. "Two pints please mate, one
for me and one more for the road."
A dog with one leg walks into a western bar and says to the bartender,
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw..."
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walked into a pub, followed
by a lesbian, a dog, and a white horse.
The barman says, "is this a joke or what?"
A brain went into a pub and says, "Pint of lager, please."
"Sorry mate, you're already out of your head," the barman replies.
A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his underpants.
"Is that painful?" the barman asks.
"It's driving me nuts!" the man replies.
Two drunks are in a pub sitting at the bar, staring into their drinks.
One gets a curious look on his face and asks, "Hey, Pete, have you
ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?"
"Yep. I been married to one for fifteen years."
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the barman, "How much for a beer?"
"For you, no charge," the barman replies.
A sandwich goes into a pub, walks up to the barman, and says, "Pint of
lager please."
"Sorry mate," says the barman, "we don't serve food in here."
A man approaches a lady in a bar and whispers in her ear, "I'd love to
fill your fanny with Guinness and then drink it all." The woman runs
off to her husband in disgust and tells him what has just happened.
"Aren't you going to sort him out then?" she asks.
"Nah, any man who can drink 25 pints is alright in my book."
A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The
bartender says, "I'm afraid we don't serve mushrooms here."
"Why not? I'm a fun guy!"
Piece of string walks into the bar. "Are you a piece of string?" asks
the barman.
"Yes," replies the piece of string.
"Sorry mate, you'll have to leave, we don't serve your kind here."
The piece of string leaves, disappointed. The next day he ties a knot
in his middle, ruffles up one end of himself, and goes back in.
"Oi! I told you yesterday to get out, you're that piece of string
aren't you?"
"No, I'm afraid not."
Two drunks are walking along the road in London. One turns to the
other and slurs, "Is this Wembley?"
"No, it's Thursday."
"So am I! Let's go for a drink."
A bear goes into a pub and says, "Can I have a pint of................
......................................................................
............... Guinness, please?"
The barman says, "Sure, but why the big pause?"
Lionel Richie goes into a pub and says, "Can I have a pint of Guinness
please?"
"No problem, but why the long face?"
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