Man of the Month - 'Nineties Man'
The perfect prey for Millennium Woman, Nineties Man hasn't quite got
his head round the new breed of female. However, Nineties Man is
attracted by a strong female character, and is happy to be called on
his pager (he doesn't own a mobile phone) and be told to turn up
pronto with a bottle of vodka and, if at all possible, his good friend
Charles. Nor does he mind shopping for a few provisions on the way to
dinner and cleaning out her fish tank/taking out the bin bags/
performing other useful functions - which may include cooking the
dinner (depending on whether he can cook something more complex and
enticing than a ready meal).
Although Nineties Man may feel territorial about his "date", he knows
better than to suggest she should be his one and only true love. Or,
more realistically, her one and only page-a-shag.
Woman of the Month - 'Millennium Woman'
Millennium Woman is no shrinking violet. More laddish than the New
Lad, she knows what she wants, and if it's you she's after, watch out!
She'll have you for breakfast - or have you before breakfast and then
get you to make the coffee, go to the shop, and do a bit of cooking
too. Not forgetting the odd jobs she's been saving for you.
As a date, Millennium Woman is everyhing you think you want, until you
get it - and realise you're frightened! Unless you're a robust type,
in which case we'll let you off.
She drinks to get drunk
She doesn't mind if you're unfaithful
She plans a night out with her mates to clash with the football
She is the one to suggest a dirty weekend away
She likes rough sex
She makes bawdy comments
She doesn't get upset if she doesn't see you very often
Millennium Woman is an independent kinda girl with her own means and
her own arrangements. She uses her mobile phone to call your pager and
tell you to come round with a bottle of vodka for some lewd acts -
and you can't answer back!
Position of the Month - the Dead Starfish
Difficulty rating: 0
Effort required: 0
Before attempting the Dead Starfish position, you must stay up all
night and over-indulge in a selection of intoxicants, especially those
resulting in incoherency and lack of co-ordination (a combination of
vodka and skunk is particularly effective). Then stagger to bed or
other soft horizontal surface with partner and spreadeagle body - face
down - with limbs distributed in all directions, to achieve a
starfish-like shape. It is not necessary to remove your clothes. Your
partner will do this for you.
Do not move during the following activities. Press your face into a
cushion or pillow to minimise possible noise disruption, as this is
not appropriate to your comatose state. For the adventurous, the 'Dead
Starfish On Its Back' is a variation on the theme.
Next month - the Carpet Burner.
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