LONDON WOMEN PREPARE BREASTS FOR INCREASED SPRINGTIME DISPLAY
Women across the capital celebrated the improved weather this week,
preparing their breasts for the increased exposure and display that
the warm weather now demands.
For the last 6-8 months, women's breasts, obscured by baggy sweaters
and shapeless jackets, have existed only in the imaginations and fond
memories of men. Yet, with the coming of spring, all that has changed,
as girls now slip into less fabric and fewer layers. Their breasts,
like animals emerging from hibernation, once again climb out into the
sunshine, stretch out in the open air and, with near-mythic power,
grab the attention of all around.
"I just bought a new spring 'mini-vest' from French Connection," said
Covent Garden, media-exec Sophie Lambert, 24. "It is snug. Almost too-
small really. Plenty of blokes seem to notice my tits when I wear it
on sunny days." Miss Lambert's male colleagues who have seen the vest
confirmed that it was "blinding", and added that they are eagerly
looking forward to seeing her "cracking pair" protrude from within it
very soon.
"In countries with warmer climates, the vast quantities of breasts
tend to take on a diminished significance, because of overexposure,"
says Professor Dorothy Primus of the Feminist Studies Department,
University College London. "The male populace tends to become jaded
toward breasts, as they are nearly always visible even to a casual
onlooker." Primus went on to explain, however, that the UK's ebb and
flow of seasons creates a corresponding ebb and flow of breast
visibility. The recent fine weather and resulting preponderance of
breast displays has brought London to its knees with heterosexual
males gawking at the near-unbelievable levels of mammarian visibility.
Although most men agree that the natural power of the female breast
needs no improvement, some women are using technology to further
enhance their breast goals. Fulham secretary Heather Phillips, 22, a
self-confessed B-cup with aspirations toward the C-range, plans to
covertly employ a "Wonder Bra," to make her breasts appear a full
cup-size larger throughout the summer months. Boyfriend Mark Chambers
is reported to be "delighted."
Experts are not surprised by Miss Phillips' breast enhancement
efforts, as spring frequently brings about a heightened air of sexual
tension. Feminist lesbian organizations in London agreed. "Although we
are deeply opposed to the systematic sexual objectification of women
and their breasts by male heterodoxy, we lesbians are in a uniquely
two-fold position of strength in these wondrous springtime months,
enjoying both the opportunity to display our fantastic breasts to
others, and the chance to enjoy an eyeful of the breasts of our fellow
sisters," said Megan Thomas of radical group Lesbian Militants for
Social Change. Upon spotting a lithe, crop-topped, female walking
nearby, Ms Thomas bit her knuckles, adding, "I mean... just check out
the cans on that."
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