I, THE UNDERSIGNED, AGREE THAT...
1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've
drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five minutes,
wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake
one. And it'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like
"So THIS is screwing!" and howling like a cat that's being
repeatedly jabbed with a compass.
2. Should your mother show me any photos of you as a child, like
those ones taken at your auntie's weading where you've got a
velvet bow tie and a pudding-bowl haircut, I shall make no
comment. Ever. Or even look at you in a way that suggests they are
at all "funny".
3. I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is
to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or
your football team lose, I agree that - by some complex scientific
equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if
I wasn't there.
4. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girlie chat, I will
tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan
yak.
5. And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.
6. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will
not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor
will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.
7. I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname.
8. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual
position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and
you just lie there, grinning.
9. I will ruthlessly interogate my attractive female friends and
inform you if any of them have the slightest bisexual tendencies.
Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys
so they have to stay.
10. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or
colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet.
And if men attempt to chat me up, I will solemnly inform them that
you have "ruined me for other men."
11. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games,
and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women.
I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so
you're in charge of the lot. Except for the iron and the washing
machine, of course.
Signed ___________________________________ Date ____________________
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