WHAT'S IN A WOMAN?
The human body is made up of, like, water and stuff. And some teeth.
This, however, only applies to the male; the female, beautiful thing
that she is, has contents unique to herself. Exactly what is it that
fills out a lady?
The Brain:
The male brain has three main parts: the cerebellum, the brainstem,
and the forebrain. Woman, however, only have two sections. One, the
trivialevum, takes up 87% of the brain and is filled with information
men don't need to store: stuff like how many calories are in double
fudge cake, birthdays of people they hardly know, and the names of
flowers. The other 13% is reserved for telephone numbers, with a small
section for unfounded neuroses.
The Shoulder:
Not much to a shoulder, you'd think, beyond knocking into doors and
hanging a jacket from. Not so! A woman's hormonally adjusted shoulder
has a unique swivel disk which automatically rolls the shoulder across
the body in a defensive motion should the female detect a slight from
any living being. This "snubbing" is completely imagined in 75% of
cases.
The Breasts:
To male eyes, there is nothing complex about a woman's breasts - two
lumps on the front of the chest that account for a relatively small
portion of the female body. In a woman, however, there is a direct
link between the breasts and the brain - a link that, unfortunately,
is regularly disrupted or faulty. The two messages sent along the line
of communication are "my breasts are too small" or "my breasts are too
big". These electronic impulses bear no relation to the actual size of
the glands.
The Index Finger:
Woman have a special finger, which has a "sponge fibre" at the knuckle
joint. Men don't need this safety feature because the pressure put on
their joints in a lifetime is minimal. Woman, however, suffer from
Repetitive Dial Strain, and need this unique adaption to avoid
cramping in later life.
The Digestive System:
The male digestive system can handle all sorts of stuff: cheese from a
tube, raw beef, wool. The female system is more delicate: it has a
massive reservoir reserved for chocolate and another, much smaller,
tract to deal with tiny salads and mineral water. Uniquely, woman can
swap between the two systems. Sometimes in a single meal sitting.
The Abdomen:
Within this section of the woman, two essential elements are stored.
One is the Biological Clock, which starts ticking around the time a
woman realises work is a pain in the arse. The other is a tiny nodule
adjacent to the clock where the famous "female instinct" is stored.
This nodule is vestigial, and consequently remains unused during a
woman's lifetime.
The Buttocks:
Most of the female buttock is, in fact, designed for utilitarian
rather than sexual use. While it is true that the buttock can be used
as a device to lure men, its primary purpose is to serve as a padded,
moulded cushion. This enables a woman to sit snugly for hour after
hour after hour without the discomfort of sores. Believed to have
co-evolved alongside the "sponge fibre" joint (see above).
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