Here is a list of quotes from interviews Ali G has done on Channel 4's
11 O'Clock Show...
Sammy Wilson, member of the DUP.
Ali: "So is you Irish?"
Sammy: "No, I'm British."
Ali: "So is you on here on holiday?"
Sammy: "No, Northern Ireland has always been part of Britain."
Sammy: "The vast majority of people in Northern Ireland actually use
the police for their own protection."
Ali: "But why is they using a breakdown service as police, that, to
to me, sound like the most stupid thing. No wonder they is
fighting here or whatever, if..."
Sammy: "I think you've got a mistake, it's the RUC."
Ali: "A'ight."
George Paton, Orange Lodge Grandmaster in Northern Ireland.
Ali: "Do you have music at this march?"
George: "Oh yes, yes, lots of music, the whole works."
Ali: "For real, do you have drums?"
George: "Drums, yes."
Ali: "And is you like knocking out a drum and bass thing or is it
more kind of speed garage that you is knocking out?"
George: "It's all there, different drummers have their own rhythms,
it's an individual thing."
Ali: "Do you not think though, me just not giving advice but me
sayin' from me own experience, sometimes it's good to back up
the drums with a bit of human beat box?"
George: "Yes, er..."
Ali: "Do you not think that would be good?"
George: "Yes, course it would."
Ali: "If someone is doing, you know, dumpf, duf, dumpf, duf, dumpf,
people could chill form both sides and get into that."
George: "I would hope that people could."
Ali: "What can we do to increase the peace? Would you ever marry a
protestant girl?"
George: "I have, yes."
Ali: "Well that is a gesture, no, that is a long way to getting the
peace."
George: "Yeah but I'm a protestant as well."
Ali: "Okay, alright, well, so if you weren't married to her, would
you marrying a Catholic girl then?"
George: "Possibly because of my faith I wouldn't."
Ali: "What if she was fit really though? What then?"
George: "Because my religion is so important to me, that's going to be
the overriding factor."
Ali: "But what if she had her own car, she had a, you know, sound
system, whatever, she wasn't gonna be stealing money from
you, whatever. Would you go with her then?"
George: "I think that, you know, I am friends with Roman Catholics,
and I have Romen Catholic friends, but..."
Ali: "But would you get jiggy with them?"
George: "It would never come to that, my religion is the most
important thing to me."
Ali: "Even if they was really, really fit?"
George: "Yes, yes. That's the bottom line, yes. That's hard for people
to understand, but..."
Ali: "Even if she was incredibly the fittest."
George: "Even so, yes."
Ali: "So you is telling me honest that if, like, The Corrs, them
band The Corrs, they came in here now and said they wanted to
marry you, you wouldn't just jump and say yes."
George: "Yes, I've got my views, they are important to me."
Ali: "You is telling me you would say no to The Corrs."
George: "Yes, yes..."
Ali: "All three of them."
George: "Yes."
Ali: "So you really believe this thing. You're really into it, it
ain't just a joke."
Sue Ramsey, member of the assembly of Sinn Fein.
Ali: "And what is the language that they speak here?"
Sue: "Gaelic."
Ali: "Gay-lick? What is that like, a batty language or somethin'?"
Ali: "What is the story with drugs and that kind of thing here? Is
there a problem with drugs here?"
Sue: "Um, there probably is."
Ali: "Is maybe the cause of the problem that they say, and maybe it is
a stereotype or whatever but that say that the Irish is always
up for the crack or whatever. You've got a problem because the
crack make you violent, me know people from me estate, they go
mental whenever there is someone around they want to fight them,
whatever, it's a bad drug."
Sue: "No, crack in Ireland means having a good time."
Ali: "A'ight, for real, but it ain't all fun, it's also bad stuff as
well, there's a high but after you've finished it there's a
low."
Lord Mayor of Ireland.
Ali: "I don't know what's going on 'ere. Why is there all the
fighting?"
Mayor: "There are people in Ireland who wish to be part of a united
Ireland and then there are people living in Northern Ireland
who wish to remain part of United Kingdom."
Ali: "And where does Wogan stand?"
In the art gallery.
Ali: "Who be this cheeky little lady?"
Attendant: "This is a friend of Van Gough."
Ali: "She look as if she's just been..." <winks>
Attendant: "She doesn't look that, uh, happy I don't think."
Ali: "Ah, maybe she been taken up the wrong end or something."
In the Royal Opera House.
Ali: "And what is the acoustic like?"
Singer: "Brilliant."
Ali: "Wikkid."
Singer: "If you're sitting up there you can hear as well as if you're
sitting down here. Try it."
Ali: "HERE ME NOW! RIIIDE THE PUNANI! RIIIDE THE PUNANI!"
Ali: "So if ya wanna check out some culture, you can either spend
50 squid on a ticket for a night at the opera, or me can get
you a bag of skunk dis big. The choice is yours. Ya got my
mobile number, a'ight?"
Tony Benn, Labour MP about politics.
Ali: "So why do they call it the welfare state? Is it because it is
well fair?"
Benn: "Well, the welfare state means that you've got a national
insurance."
Ali: "But unemployment is wicked because you get money for doin'
nothing..."
Ali: "Aye. But everyone is going on about the right to work, what
about the right not to work?"
Benn: "Well, that's different, you want to work or you wouldn't be
here."
Ali: "Me want to work when me want to, but most of the time me
want to chill, me want to hang with me bitches, me just want
to relax."
Benn: "You do treat woman with a great deal of disrespect. You're
calling them animals. You've got no time for people, you think
they're lazy, greedy, don't want to work, you call women
bitches and then you're asking me about a society that's
happy!"
Judge Pickles about law.
Ali: "When can you murder someone?"
Pickles: "Ah, well, let me say, that's really a nonsensical question
if I may say so because if you are entitled to kill somebody
it's not murder."
Ali: "Okay, but can you murder someone if someone, let's say
called your mum a slag, dis your mama? If they call your mum
a slag, ring up the police, the police ain't gonna do
nothing, you know, they laugh at you."
Pickles: "Well, I don't know, it depends I suppose, if you called my
mother a slag and I then killed you, provocation can reduce
murder to manslaughter."
Ali: "So where's the line then? If they call her slag -
manslaughter, if they call her bitch - is that murder?"
Ali: "Do you think women should be on juries?"
Pickles: "Oh yes, of course."
Ali: "What about when they got the painters in?"
Pickles: "I'm sorry?"
Ali: "What about when it's rag week? How can they be thinking
straight, serious! Serious, my woman, she doesn't know
what's going on, guilty - everyone is guilty when it's her
time. Everyone is guilty, I do something small - GUILTY! You
should be chopped, whatever."
Pickles: "I don't honestly think you could start asking people
intimate questions and say 'no, you can't do this.'"
Ali: "Exactly, this is why you should not have women on juries."
Pickles: "No, no. I've never thought about this before, actually."
Rhodes Boyson about education.
Ali: "Do you believe kids should be caned?"
Rhodes: "I do. I..."
Ali: "You do! Wikkid, man. You believe kids should be caned even
in school?"
Rhodes: "Even in school."
Ali: "Do you not think, Sir Rhodes, if you get caned in school you
can't concentrate as well. Because a lot of people out there
say that if you're getting caned."
Rhodes: "Well, I was caned in my time and I've concentrated all my
life."
Ali: "You were caned? Respect, man. Respect."
Rhodes: "It shouldn't be done evil and it shouldn't be done badly."
Ali: "Aye, You've got to have good stuff."
Rhodes: "You have to have rules in life."
Ali: "You have to have good cane."
Rhodes: "You have to have a good cane."
Ali: "Okay, but you're saying the caning is cool."
Rhodes: "The caning is cool, and most boys prefer it to being told
off."
Ali: "Do you think sex education should be taught in the school?"
Rhodes: "No."
Ali: "Why not?"
Rhodes: "I think it that is the job of the family."
Ali: "Do you think porn stars should teach sex education in
school?"
Rhodes: "No."
Ali: "Why not?"
Rhodes: "Because I do not respect porn stars, as you say."
Ali: "But they has more experience boning than anyone, man.
Rhodes: "They are not the experiences that I want for our country."
Ali: "But someone who has had a four header or whatever will know
how to cope with any situation."
Rhodes: "Well, some of these situations I wouldn't put myself in for
at the beginning."
Ali: "For real, Sir Rhodes, me feeling that, me feeling that."
Ali: "What is education, Sir Rhodes?"
Rhodes: "Education is, beginning, literacy and numeracy, because
then..."
Ali: "A'ight. And what does them mean?"
Ali: "So, what about the maff? What do you reckon about the maff?
Do you rate the maff, or do you rock the maff?"
Rhodes: "The maths?"
Ali: "The maff."
Rhodes: "The maff, what's the maff?"
Ali: "You know. One, two, three... four."
Rhodes: "Oh yes, that's right, that's right, very good."
Ali: "Well why don't they teach proper maff in school?"
Rhodes: "What do you mean by proper maths?"
Ali: "Why do they teach in kilos and grams when you should really
deal in ounces, quarter of ounces, eighth of ounces? Everyone
works in ounces. Why don't they modernise and teach in
ounces?"
Rhodes: "Well, I prefer the old ones, as being a tradionalist, I would
have the old things back again."
Ali: "Wikkid, and you need to know about quarter of ounces, eighth
of ounces, all that kind of thing..."
Rhodes: "Well, if you're doing baking or anything of that kind..."
Ali: "Ai, for real, for real. Me know baking."
Rhodes: "I make my own breakfast every day."
Ali: "Ai. An me make ME own breakfast..."
Rhodes: "Very good."
Ali: "So I mean who ever bought a kilo of anything, you know? Apart
from me mate Dave and he's gone down now. I mean, what is
that useful for, the kilo?"
Ali: "Sir Rhodes, do you think there should be mixed schools?"
Rhodes: "I think there should be a choice, for parents and the pupils
themselves."
Ali: "Do you not think though, if you have mixed schools, all the
boys will spend all their time chasing maff, and all their
girls will spend all their time preparing just their maff."
Ali: "You have shown that education is something wikkid, education
is something special, and more than that that, education is
something we need throughout the nation, if we are gonna get
into the space station. Respect, boyaka-sha, big up."
The Bishop of Corsham about religion.
Ali: "Does he really have a beard?"
Bishop: "It's not that he's got a beard, it's the sort of person Jesus
was."
Ali: "Is he a man or is he a woman?"
Bishop: "He's neither a man nor woman."
Ali: "Is he a... ladyman?"
Ali: "But what has God ever done?"
Bishop: "He made the world, okay, he created..."
Ali: "He made the world?"
Bishop: "Of course."
Ali: "Did he?"
Bishop: "Well, let's, I can only tell you what I believe, man. I mean,
it may sound uncool to you, it's faith."
Ali: "So you saying God made the world? And since then he's just
chilled?"
Ali: "What about the Virgin Mary? Was she really a virgin?"
Bishop: "I believe that Mary was a virgin, yes. She found that she was
pregnant. And she said, she asked the question, 'how can this
be?' I mean, I'm not surprised she said, 'how can this be?'"
Ali: "But me know girls that also say, 'me find me pregnant, me
find me pregnant,' you know, 'what happened?' and the mother
or whatever say, 'listen girl, you know you've been you been
mucking around. 'Ave you been drunk maybe? Don't lie to me.'"
James Whittaker about Princess Di.
Ali: "Why was she nobbing that Pakistani?"
James: "He wasn't a Pakistani for a start, he was an Egyptian."
Ali: "A'ight..."
James: "She fell in love, in lust, with him and she had a summer
romance."
Ali: "Will Carmella ever be queen?"
James: "Camilla?"
Ali: "A'ight Carmella."
James: "I think she will."
Ali: "Do you think that a lot of the objection to Camilla is because
she is so minging?"
James: "So WHAT?"
Ali: "So minging, because she is so..."
James: "What does minging mean?"
Ali: "Her face is very... ugly. No, me didn't wanna say that... not
ugly, no, me didn't wanna say that, she's rank, she's rank."
James: "Most women in this country..."
Ali: "A'ight, are a bit dodgy..."
James: "Well, no..."
Ali: "Yeah, look a bit rough..."
James: "Well, being compared to Diana she was a very beautiful..."
Ali: "She was fit."
James: "Very tasty, so you put anybody up against Diana and it's a wee
bit of a problem. She is also a very fit woman, she rides
well."
Ali: "She ain't fit man!"
James: "No, this isn't Diana, I understand Prince Charles well..."
Ali: "But she look like Rod Hull, she does man..."
Ali: "What do you think about Fergie?"
James: "I think she is a decent person."
Ali: "Did they not find pictures of her sucking someone's nob or
something?"
James: "No, they wouldn't find pictures like that, in fact I was
present at this, you're talking about sucking somebody's toe
or having her toes sucked..."
Ali: "A'ight but they used the word toe... they used the word
toe..."
James: "No, no... I, er watched this... naughty!"
Sue Leece about women's rights.
Ali: "Boyaka-sha. Check dis. Today we is talking about women. I is
with none other than Professor Sue Leece. She be director of the
Centre for Gender Research and we is going to talking about
ladies. Now, one in two people in the country is a women, so we
has got to know about this... Women. They is important aren't
they?"
Sue: "They indeed are, very important, as important as men."
Ali: "Which is better? Man or woman?"
Sue: "Well equality is not about being better."
Ali: "But which one is better?"
Sue: "Neither is better."
Ali: "But one must be just a little bit better."
Sue: "In what respect?"
Ali: "Like, you know, in the way that something is worse and something
is better."
Ali: "Do you think there will ever be a female Prime Minister?"
Sue: "Well there has been one."
Ali: "When?"
Sue: "Margaret Thatcher."
Ali: "No she wasn't a Prime Minister. Do you think another woman will
be allowed to slip through?"
Ali: "Do you think a women should be able to have any job?"
Sue: "I think yes, I think they should be able to have any job."
Ali: "But would you feel safe though if you knew a women was flying
your plane."
Sue: "Why wouldn't you feel safe if a woman was flying it? Do you feel
safe being driven by a women?"
Ali: "Nope. Would you not be scared though that she would start
nattering or whatever, or start thinking about things and then
forget to fly the plane, or get angry with somebody?"
Ali: "A lot of boys me know is trying to get their girlfriends into
feminism, do you that is right?"
Sue: "Yes, I do actually I think it's a good thing."
Ali: "Do you think all girls should try feminism at least once?"
Sue: "Well girls today often don't realise how much they've benefited
from feminism..."
Ali: "But do you think it is right when they try feminism when they is
drunk at a party or whatever with a few mates?"
Sue: "What does 'trying feminism' mean?"
Ali: "You know, try a bit of feminism and when they is sober the next
day they get back together with their boyfriends?"
Sue: "I don't understand what you mean by 'get feminist?'"
Ali: "When they kiss a women."
Sue: "What, being lesbian, are you talking about, sexually?"
Ali: "... A'ight, for real."
Ali: "Me uncle Jamal, he says he is tri-sexual. He will try anything
sexual. What does that mean?"
Sue: "There are a lot of people, you know, who would agree that they
are... that they would like having sexual relationships with men
and with women."
Ali: "So you is saying that you think that he has done it with men?"
Sue: "Or doing it."
Ali: "Ai?"
Sue: "Um, well, it would suggest that from that... or that he is
interested in it, don't know that he would have done it. Depends
what 'done it' means."
Ali: "So you think me uncle Jamal is a... batty boy?"
Sue: "No, I don't think he is a batty boy actually, but..."
Ali: "But you think me uncle Jamal like it in both pipes?"
Sue: "I think he's probably, uh, making a joke."
Ali: "For real. So it probably a joke? It ain't a necessarily. 'Cos he
is a joker."
Sue: "Yes, I think he's a joker."
Ali: "If you called him that to his face he'd probably kill you."
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