Tony Blair PM - I'm Tory plan B
Virginia Bottomley - I'm an evil Tory bigot
Michael Heseltine - Elect him, he's alien
David Mellor - Dildo marvel
The Houses of Parliament - Loonies far up the Thames
Rt Hon Margaret Thatcher - Grantham Hatchet Terror
Francois Mitterand - Mad strain of cretin
Performance related pay - Mere end of year claptrap
Dame Agatha Christie - I am a right death case
The Open University - Intrusive neophyte
The Metropolitan Police Force - I'm fellatio, the erect porno cop
Acorn Computers - Crap to consumer
Benson and Hedges - NHS been a godsend
Eastenders - Needs a rest
Home and Away - Aha... yawn mode
Eldorado - Real dodo
Selina Scott - Elastic snot
Peter Ustinov - Eruptive snot
Actors - Scrota
Robert DeNiro - Error on bidet
Rita Hayworth - Hot hairy wart
Sir Alec Guinness - Clearing sinuses
Mel Gibson - Big melons
Arnold Schwarzenegger - He's grown large 'n' crazed
Kylie Minogue - I like 'em young
Gloria Estefan - Large fat noise
Chris Rea - Rich arse
Marti Pellow - Ill tapeworm
Madonna, the material girl - Real dim man-eating harlot
Ossie Ardiles - Arse is soiled
Diego Maradona - O dear, I'm a gonad
Martina Navratilova - Variant rival to a man
Gabriela Sabatini - Insatiable airbag
Irritable Bowel Syndrome - O my terrible drains below
Boddington's, the cream of Manchester
- Boddington's, stomach ache fermenter
Stella Artois, reassuringly expensive
- Pint o' lager virtually erases sexiness
An Intel Pentium Processor - Customer nipple not arisen
Pentium Processor - Computerises porn
Monica Lewinsky - A lick wins money
David Ginola - Vagina dildo
George Michael - I come he gargle
And finally...
Motorway Service Station - I eat coronary vomit stews
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