These quotes are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were
printed in the July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine. Note: all
typos, etc... are intended.
1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.
3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
6. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
7. It's best for employers that I not work with people.
8. Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience.
9. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
10. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
11. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
12. Marital Status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No
commitments.
13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to
respond to my resume on my office voice mail.
15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and
absolutely nothing.
16. My goal is be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in
meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokeridge.
17. I procrastinate, especally when the task is unpleasant.
18. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
19. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.
20. Instrumental is ruining entire organization for a Midwest Chain
store.
21. Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have
never quit a job.
22. Marital Status: often. Children: various.
23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employess get
to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those
conditions.
24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous
employers.
25. Finished eighth in my class of ten.
26. References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me.
The following quotes were taken from actual performance evaluations:
1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has
started to dig.
2. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid
curiosity.
3. I would not allow this employee to breed.
4. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definitely won't be.
5. Works well under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
trap.
6. When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change
whichever foot was previously in there.
7. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
8. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
9. He sets low personal standards and then consistantly fails to
achieve them.
10. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
11. This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts the better.
12. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all
together.
13. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
14. He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.
15. I would like to go hunting with him sometime.
16. He's been working with glue too much.
17. He would argue with a signpost.
18. He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.
19. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.
20. If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other
one.
21. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
22. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
23. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
24. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
coming.
25. Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
26. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
27. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
28. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
29. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
30. One neuron short of a synapse.
31. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
32. Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
33. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
|
