Taken from actual news articles, supposedly...
1. Four people were injured in a string of related bizarre accidents.
Sherry Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused by flying
masonry, Tim Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of whiplash and
contusions on his chest, arms and face, Bryan Corcoran suffered
torn gum tissue, and Pamela Klesick's first two fingers of her
right hand had been bitten off. Moeller had just dropped her
husband off for his first day of work and, in addition to a good-
bye kiss, she flashed her breasts at him. "I'm still not sure why I
did it," she said later. "I was really close to the car, so I
didn't think anyone would see; besides, it couldn't have been for
more than two seconds." However, cab driver Vegas did see and lost
control of his cab, running over the curb and into the corner of
the Johnson Medical Building. Inside, Klesick, a dental technician,
was cleaning Corcoran's teeth. The crash of the cab against the
building made her jump, tearing Corcoran's gums with a cleaning
pick. In shock, Corcoran bit down, severing two fingers from
Klesick's hand. Moeller's wound was caused by a falling piece of
the medical building.
2. Taos, New Mexico: A woman went to a poison control center after
eating three birth-control vaginal inserts. Her English was so bad
she had to draw a picture describing how she believed she had
poisoned herself. A translator arrived shortly thereafter and
confirmed doctors' suspicions. Marie Valishnokov thought the
inserts were some kind of candy or gum, being unable to read the
foil wrappers. After the third one, she realized something was
wrong when her throat and mouth began to fill with a sour-tasting
foam. She ran for the poison control center, only a few blocks
away, where doctors were able to flush the foam from her mouth,
throat and stomach with no ill effects.
3. La Grange, California: Attorney Antonio Mendoza was released from a
trauma center after having a cell phone removed from his rectum. My
dog drags the thing all over the house, he said later. He must have
dragged it into the shower. I slipped on the tile, tripped against
the dog and sat down right on the thing. The extraction took more
than three hours due to the fact that the cover to Mr. Mendoza's
phone had opened during insertion. "He was a real trooper during
the entire episode," said Dr. Dennis Cole. "Tony just cracked jokes
and really seemed to be enjoying himself. Three times during the
extraction his phone rang and each time, he made jokes about it
that just had us rolling on the floor. By the time we finished, we
really did expect to find an answering machine in there."
4. Tacoma, Washington: Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several
friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-
jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The
conversation grew more heated and at least ten men trooped along
the walkway of the bridge at 4:30am. Upon arrival at the midpoint
of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought bungee rope.
Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out
that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was
secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the
bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore
his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into
the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I
can say," said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on
that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's
foot was never located.
5. Bremerton, Washington: Christopher Coulter and his wife, Emily,
were engaging in bondage games when Christopher suggested spreading
peanut butter on his genitals and letting Rudy, their Irish Setter,
lick them clean. Sadly, Rudy lost control and began tearing at
Christopher's penis and testicles. Rudy refused to obey commands
and a panicked Emily threw a half-gallon bottle of perfume at the
dog. The bottle broke, covering the dog and Christopher with
perfume. Startled, Rudy jumped back, tearing away the penis. While
trying to get her unconscious husband in the car to take him to the
hospital, Emily fell twice, injuring her wrist and ankle.
Christopher's penis was in a styrofoam ice cooler. "Christopher is
just plain lucky," said the surgeon who spent eight hours
re-attaching the penis. "Believe it or not, the perfume turned out
to be very fortuitous. The high alcohol content, which must have
been excruciatingly painful, helped sterilize the wound. Also,
aside from it's being removed, the damage caused by the dog's teeth
to the penis per se is minimal. It's really a very stringy piece of
flesh. Mr. Coulter stands an excellent chance of regaining the use
of his limb because of this." Washington Animal Control has no
plans to seize Rudy.
6. Kennet, Montana: Paramedics rescued a man who had lodged his penis
in his bathroom sink drain. The man had been trying to change a
light bulb above the sink when he slipped on the lip and fell. His
penis sustained heavy bruising and abrasions and swelled so much
that he was unable to remove it from the drain. A neighbor, hearing
his shouts, called police. They broke the door down, despite the
victim's fevered pleas that he was fine and in no need of
assistance. Paramedics arrived within 10 minutes and administered
an injection, causing the swelling to drop so that the penis could
be removed without damage to it or the sink.
7. Portland, Oregon: A man was admitted to an emergency clinic with
severe bruising and lacerations on his penis and testicles, caused
in an accident involving a hand held vacuum cleaner. The man had
been vacuuming, wearing only a bathrobe, when he tripped, having
been distracted because his robe fell open. "It always does that,"
he said. "I keep meaning to rig up some kind of tie for it, but I
never do. I guess I'll get around to it now." He fell on the vacuum
and the small beater bar of the device caused enough damage to
require fifteen stitches and an overnight stay at the clinic.
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