The following are true life stories (apparently)...
Chicken Tonight
In the province of Orense in north west Spain, a 39-year-old man was
crushed to death by a rock while pleasuring himself with a chicken.
Although no one is quite sure how it happened, it is thought that the
vibrations caused by his love-making possibly dislodged the boulder.
The chicken also perished, and was still attached to the man when his
body was found.
Blanket coverage
When a 60-year-old man failed to turn up for work one day, his
employer notified the police, who searched his flat. There, in a room
he has previously forbidden anyone to enter, they found him dead,
rolled up in total of 14 blankets. At first they suspected murder,
although further investigations showed that he had been masturbating
in the middle of his human Swiss roll. He had made a pile of several
layers of blankets, then rolled himself up in them, and by placing
strips of tape on strategic parts of the blanket, he could roll over
them and immobilise himself. Although he appeared to have done it
before, this time he was unable to free himself, and suffocated.
Further investigations also revealed that over the years he had bought
many blankets by mail order, and a total of 60 blankets were found in
his flat.
Crushed nuts
When a 40-year-old man turned up at a hospital asking to see a doctor
specialising in "men's troubles", he was shown into a cubicle, where
he gingerly unwrapped three yards of foul-smelling, stained gauze from
around his scrotum, which had swollen to twice the size of a
grapefruit. On further inspection, it was discovered that his left
testicle was missing completely, and, embedded within the swollen,
tender and weeping wound, were a number of dark objects which the
patient confessed were one-inch staples from an industrial stapling
gun. It transpired that the man spent his lunchtimes alone in the
workshop, where he regularly enjoyed the sexual thrill of placing his
penis on the moving canvas fan-belt of a piece of machinery. One day,
the excitement had caused him to lose concentration, and the fan-belt
had snatched his scrotum into the fly-wheel, throwing him several feet
across the floor and tearing off his left nut. Rather than go to
hospital, he performed first aid on himself with the stapling gun,
then went back to work when his colleagues returned. It was two weeks
before he got round to visiting hospital.
Rock bottom
A man of 20 reported to a casualty department complaining of a pain in
his rectum. The examination revealed a hard, stony mass. According to
the man, he had been "fooling around" with his boyfriend, which
involved lying on his back with his feet against the wall, while his
boyfriend inserted a funnel in his rectum and poured a quantity of
concrete mix through it. The man underwent surgery to remove the now
solid lump of concrete, which weighed 275 grams, and on further
examination, was found to contain a ping-pong ball.
The love bug
An hour and a half after he had told his wife he was going shooting, a
40-year-old airline pilot was found chained and crushed against the
side of his Volkswagen Beetle. The ignition was on, the steering wheel
was tied as far as it would turn to the left, and the car had been
travelling in circles. The man was naked apart from a series of
straps, similar to a parachute harness, and secured to the side of the
car by a heavy chain. It appears that he had removed his clothes and
chained himself to the back bumper of the car, which he had set on
"autopilot". He jogged along behind it and when he wanted to stop the
"game", he went towards the car, which ran over the chain. As the
chain slowly wound around the axle, it reeled the man inexorably
towards the car, and with no means of escape, he was eventually
asphyxiated against the bumper.
Flower power
A man turned up at a hospital wearing an overcoat, and with blood
dripping down his leg. When he removed the coat, the doctor saw he had
geranium inserted in his penis. The man had got the flower in without
any difficulty, but when he tried to remove it, the hairs on the stem
had dug in to the urethra and ripped it to shreds.
Fun on the farm
A 62-year-old farmer was found dead in his barn by a neighbour,
crushed beneath the hydraulic scoop of his tractor. He was wearing
stockings and a pair of shoes with an eight-inch heel, and his ankles
were tied to a four-foot length of pipe, which was itself chained to
the scoop. By pulling on a pair of ropes, he could raise and lower the
scoop and suspend himself upside down. Beside the dead body was a
broken length of four-by-two, which was meant to act as a safety
feature when the scoop was lowered, by stopping it from hitting the
ground. Unfortunately, as the scoop came down, it had snapped the wood
and continued downwards, trapping the man beneath it and crushing him.
Smokin'!
A man in Alicante, Spain, turned up at the local hospital with a metal
cigar case inside him. "I always smoke a cigar in bed, last thing at
night", he explained, "and I lost the case in my sheets. Imagine my
surprise when I woke the next morning to find it had inexplicably gone
up my bottom."
Dog's dinner
A policeman in Staffordshire returned home from the night shift to
find his wife preparing breakfast. For some unknown reason, he wrapped
a slice of bread around his penis, at which point the dog leapt up and
took a bite out of it. The man needed cosmetic surgery to restore the
damage.
Make mine a stiff one
A 34-year-old New Yorker injected a cocaine solution into his penis to
heighten his sexual pleasure. After enjoying intercourse with his
girlfriend, however, he couldn't get rid of his erection, and after
three days he went to the doctor in search of help. Shortly
afterwards, he developed blood clots in various parts of his body,
gangrene set in, and he lost both legs, nine fingers and his penis.
Pipe cleaner
A number of men, generally in the 55 to 65 age group, have ended up in
hospital after attempting to make love to a vacuum cleaner, although
their explanations are rarely so straightforward. One 60-year-old man
was changing the plug of the Hoover when it mysteriously "switched
itself on" and sucked him in. A 65-year-old signalman bent down to
pick up his tools and caught his penis in a nearby vacuum, while
another was merely bending over to turn the vacuum off when the
accident happened. Bizarrely, all were in a state of almost total
undress when their accidents happened.
Poolside fun
While enjoying an early morning swim, Brazilian Claudiomiro Marques
decided to experiment with the sexual properties of swimming pool
filters. Unfortunately, the structure of the filter, combined with
the degree of suction, meant that his penis became jammed fast.
Doctors were called, who eventually managed to extricate him from his
terrible predicament, although not before concerned bystanders had
first contributed to the rescue procedure by attempting to demolish
the wall of the pool.
Suckered
An Australian tourist woke one morning on his holiday in Thailand to
discover his passport and money had vanished during the night. He cast
his mind back, and the last thing he could remember was sucking on the
nipples of a transvestite prostitute. After going to the police and
making an embarrassing confession, the police were able to track down
the perpetrator, who explained that he had used a tranquilliser on his
nipples, a necessary subterfuge as many sex tourists didn't drink.
Come again?
A Somalian trucker reported to his doctor wearing rubber incontinence
pants, and claiming that over the previous month he had been
experiencing up to 40 involuntary ejaculations daily. He believed his
condition was brought on by chewing the drug khat. A week later, he
suffered total erection failure, and even lengthy abstinence from the
drug failed to restore his sexual ability. His doctor believed he had
used up his lifetime's supply of orgasms.
A lovely bunch of grapes
A patient in the USA went to see his doctor, and was checked for
haemorrhoids. During the examination, the doctor asked if he was
enjoying it, at which point the patient turned around and noticed that
the doctor was masturbating. The doctor was given one year's
probation.
Pets win prizes
When the guests at a wedding reception in Sussex sat down to watch a
video of the proceedings, they were surprised to see pictures of the
man who owned the video camera enjoying himself, on a bed, with the
neighbour's Staffordshire bull terrier. His defence in court was that
he had made it to prove that pornographic films used trick
photography, and that no sex had taken place. He received a six-month
suspended sentence.
From the heart
Upon investigating a fire in Knoxville, Tennessee, firemen found, in a
room plastered with heavy metal posters, the nude body of a 16-year-
old boy with a cow's heart attached to his genitals. Initial
suspicions of ritual murder were dismissed when, in a copy of the
underground magazine "Ovid Now", they discovered instructions for the
construction of a sex toy made from a fresh cow's heart and an
electrical circuit powered by batteries, which makes the heart beat.
Unfortunately, the boy had plugged his stimulator into the mains,
electrocuted himself and set the house on fire.
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