Hello, my name is Alfonso Merkin. I am suffering from rare and deadly
diseases, poor scores on final exams, lack of sexual activity, fear of
being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not
sending out 50 billion fucking forwards sent to me by people who
actually believe that if you send them, that poor 6 year old girl in
Arkansas with lung cancer brought on by secondhand smoke from the
cigarettes smoked by the big bad men who kidnapped her and took
pornographic pictures of her for use on their child pornography
website will get 6 fucking cents every time you send me the letter.
Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and
everyone you send "his" e-mail to $1000? How fucking stupid are you?
Ooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get
laid by every Victoria's Secret model in the catalog!
What a bunch of bullshit. So basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU
to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send
me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns
will come into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not
continuing the chain which was started by Jesus in 5 AD and was
brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it
makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World
Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity. Fuck them.
If you're going to forward something, at least send something mildly
amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest friends,
and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive
a nickel from some "omniscient being" forwards about 90 times. I don't
fucking care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're
actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's
your own unpopularity.
THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS:
Chain Letter Type 1:
Scroll down.
Make a wish!!!
Really, go on and make one!!!
Oh please, they'll never go out with you!!!
Wish something else!!!
Not that, you pervert!!!
Is your finger getting tired yet?
STOP!!!
Wasn't that fun? :) Hope you made a great wish. :) Now, to make you
feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this
to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat
and thrown off a high building into a pile of manure.
It's true! Because, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones,
THIS one is TRUE! Really!!! Here's how it goes:
* Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for
sending them a stupid chain letter.
* Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for
sending them a stupid chain letter.
* Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for
sending them a stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on your
life.
* Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you
for sending them a stupid chain letter and will napalm your house.
Thanks!!! Good Luck!!!
Chain Letter Type 2
Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a
starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no
legs, no parents, and no goats. This little boy's life could be saved,
because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to
the Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy from
Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Remember, we have no way of counting
letters sent and this is all bull. So go on, reach out. Send this to 5
people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder - if you
accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly.
Thanks again!!!
Chain Letter Type 3
Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is
absolutely incredible because there was no e-mail then and probably
not as many little 8 year olds writing chain letters. So this is how
it works. Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or
something horrible will happen to you like:
Queer Horror Story 1
Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had
recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a
crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a
drainpipe in a flood of poopie, and went flying out over a waterfall.
Not only did she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!!
Queer Horror Story 2
Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and
ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his
boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way). They both died and went
to hell and was cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity.
This Could Happen To You!!!
Remember, you could end up like Pinsley and Bip did. Just send this
letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be OK.
Chain Letter Type 4
As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of
your friends.
Friends
A friend is someone who is always at your side,
A friend is someone who likes you even though you smell like poop,
A friend is someone who likes you even though you're disgustingly
ugly,
A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled
yourself,
A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about
your loser life,
A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think
you should be raped by mad goats, then thrown to vicious dogs,
A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet, vacuums and then gets the
check and leaves and doesn't speak much English... no sorry that's the
cleaning lady,
A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because he wants
his wish of being rich to come true.
Now pass this on! If you don't, you'll be eaten by wild mutts.
There. Now that we've covered and dumped on the four main types of
chain letters, onto the ironic part. In order for this to get any
popularity, send it on! If you don't think it was funny at all, don't
bother, but otherwise forward this sucker to everyone you know! If you
don't, I don't care, but why not show this around? Take two minutes
and forward it. Thanks!
Remember, the moral of the story is, if you get a chain letter, ignore
it. If it's a joke or something, send it, sure, but if it's gonna make
people feel guilty (i.e. the willieless boy from
Baklaliviatatlaglooshen) or nervous (i.e. Miranda Pinsley who ended up
in a waterfall of shit) just delete it. Do yourself and everyone else
in the world a favor and say, FUCK CHAIN LETTERS!!!
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