Season
1
- I will
not waste chalk
- I will
not skateboard in the halls
- I will
not burp in class
- I will
not instigate revolution
- I will
not draw naked ladies in class
- I did
not see Elvis
- I will
not call my teacher "Hot Cakes"
- Garlic
gum is not funny
- They
are laughing at me, not with me
- I will
not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom
Season
2
- I will
not encourage others to fly
- I will
not fake my way through life
- Tar
is not a plaything
- I will
not Xerox my butt
- It's
potato, not potatoe
- I will
not trade pants with others
- I am
not a 32 year old woman
- I will
not do that thing with my tongue
- I will
not drive the principal's car
- I will
not pledge allegiance to Bart
- I will
not sell school property
- I will
not cut corners
" " " " "
"
" " " " "
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- I will
not get very far with this attitude
- I will
not make flatuent noises in class
- I will
not belch the National Anthem
- I will
not sell land in Florida
- I will
not grease the monkey bars
- I will
not hide behind the Fifth Amendment
- I will
not do anything bad ever again
- I will
not show off (written in Olde English style font)
- I will
not sleep through my education
Season
3
- I am
not a dentist
- Spitwads
are not free speech
- Nobody
likes sunburn slappers
- High
explosives and school don't mix
- I will
not bribe Principal Skinner
- I will
not squeak chalk (Chalk squeaks as he writes)
- I will
finish what I sta
- "Bart
Bucks" are not legal tender
- I will
not fake rabies
- Underwear
should be worn on the inside
- The
Christmas Pageant does not stink
- I will
not torment the emotionally frail
- I will
not carve gods
- I will
not spank others
- I will
not aim for the head
- I will
not barf unless I'm sick
- I will
not expose the ignorance of the faculty
- I saw
nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge
- I will
not conduct my own fire drills
- Funny
noises are not funny
- I will
not spin the turtle
- I will
not snap bras
- I will
not fake seizures
Season
4
- This
punishment is not boring and pointless
- My
name is not Dr. Death
- I will
not defame New Orleans
- I will
not prescribe medication
- I will
not bury the new kid
- I will
not teach others to fly
- I will
not bring sheep to class
- A burp
is not an answer
- Teacher
is not a leper
- Coffee
is not for kids (Each line becomes less and less legible; the last
line is a scrawl)
- I will
not eat things for money
- I will
not yell "She's Dead" during roll call
- The
principal's toupee is not a Frisbee
- I will
not call the principal "spud head"
- Goldfish
don't bounce
- Mud
is not one of the 4 food groups
- No
one is interested in my underpants
- I will
not sell miracle cures
- I will
return the seeing-eye dog
- I do
not have diplomatic immunity
- I will
not charge admission to the bathroom
Season
5
- I will
never win an Emmy
- The
cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy
- All
work and no play makes Bart a dull boy
- I will
not say "Springfield" just to get applause
- I am
not authorized to fire substitute teachers
- My
homework was not stolen by a one-armed man
- I will
not go near the kindergarten turtle
- I am
not delightfully saucy
- Organ
transplants are best left to the professionals
- The
Pledge of Allegiance does not end with Hail Satan
- I will
not celebrate meaningless milestones
- There
are plenty of businesses like show business
- I will
not re-transmit without the express permission of Major League Baseball
- Five
days is not too long to wait for a gun
Season
6
- Beans
are neither fruit nor musical
- I will
not use abbrev.
- I am
not the reincarnation of Sammy Davis Jr.
- I will
not send lard through the mail
- I will
not dissect things unless instructed
- I will
not whittle hall passes out of soap
- Ralph
won't "morph" if you squeeze him hard enough
- Adding
"just kidding" doesn't make it okay to insult the Principal
- "Bagman"
is not a legitimate career choice
- Cursive
writing does not mean what I think it does
- Next
time it could be me on the scaffolding
- I will
not hang donuts on my person
- I will
remember to take my medication
- I will
not strut around like I own the place
- The
Good Humor man can only be pushed so far
- I do
not have power of attorney over first graders
- Nerve
gas is not a toy
- I will
not mock Mrs. Dumbface
- The
First Amendment does not cover burping
- This
is not a clue...or is it?
Season
7
- I will
not complain about the solution when I hear it
- "Bewitched"
does not promote Satanism
- No
one wants to hear from my armpits
- I am
not a lean mean spitting machine
- The
boys room is not a water park
- Indian
burns are not our cultural heritage
- Wedgies
are unhealthy for children and other living things
- I will
only do this once a year (referring to clip shows)
- I will
stop talking about the twelve inch pianist
- I am
not certified to remove asbestos
Season
8
- I did
not learn everything I need to know in kindergarten
- I am
not my long-lost twin
- The
truth is not out there
- I am
not licensed to do anything
- I will
not hide the teacher's Prozac
- A fire
drill does not demand a fire
Season
9
- I no
longer want my MTV
- Everyone
is tired of that Richard Gere story
- I did
not invent Irish dancing
- I will
not tease Fatty
- There
was no Roman god named "Farticus"
- Rudolph's
red nose is not alcohol-related
- Shooting
paintballs is not an art form
- Pain
is not the cleanser
- Silly
String is not a nasal spray
- I was
not told to do this
- My
butt does not deserve a website
- I will
not demand what I'm worth
- I will
not mess with the opening credits (This appeared in place of the couch
opening; the rest of the family runs into the classroom)
- I am
not the new Dalai Lama
- I was
not the inspiration for "Kramer"
Season
10
- I will
not file frivolous lawsuits
- "butt.butt"
is not my E-mail address
- No
one cares what my definition of "is" is
- I will
not scream for ice cream
- I am
not a licensed hairstylist
- "The
President did it" is not an excuse
- My
mom is not dating Jerry Seinfeld
- Sherri
does not "got back"
- I will
not do the Dirty Bird
- No
one wants to hear about my sciatica
- Hillbillies
are people too
- Grammar
is not a time of waste
- It
does not suck to be you
- I cannot
absolve sins
- A trained
ape could not teach gym
- Loose
teeth don't need my help
- I have
neither been there nor done that
- I am
so very tired
Season
11
- Fridays
are not "pants optional"
- Pork
is not a verb
- I am
not the last Don
- I did
not win the Nobel Fart Prize
- I won't
not use no double negatives
- I can't
see dead people
- I will
not sell my kidney on eBay
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