Welcome to my Simpsons Biographies! Here you'll find the biographies of the Simpson family, and many of the various regular characters on the show.



Age: 36
Weight: Between 239 and 260 lbs.
Occupation: Worker drone/Safety Inspector, Sector 7G, Springfield Nuclear Power Plant. (Holds plant record for most years worked at an enty-level position.)
Awards: The C. Montgomery Burns Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence (after Burns found out Homer was sterile due to radiation exposere), Employee of the Month at the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant (after saving the plant from meltdown), Springfield Nuclear Power Plant Belching Contest Winner, Grammy Award for "Outstanding Soul, Spoken Word, or Barbershop Album of the Year" for his work with the Be Sharps. High school reunion trophies for: most weight gained, most hair lost, most improved odor, and person who travelled the least distance.
Favorite Foods: Donuts, Pork Rinds Light, Chippos, Krusty Burgers, pork shops, steak, bulk seafood, and honey roasted peanuts.
Favorite Beverages: Duff (#1), and Buzz Cola (#2).
Surgeries: A triple bypass operation, resulting from his love of the aforementioned foods.
Favorite Pastime: Sitting on the couch while watching TV and drinking beer.
Favorite Store: The Kwik-E-Mart.
Says: "D'oh!" when upset, "Mmm" when tempted.
Extracurricular: Mistaken for Bigfoot. Mascot for the Springfield Isotopes. Commited to a mental institution. Manager for country singer Lurleen Lumpkin. Proprietor of the Mr. Plow snowplowing service. Member of the Bee Sharps barbershop quartet. Went into space as a NASA astronaut. Charged with sexual harassment for pulling a Gummi Venus de Milo off a babysitter's backside. Neighbor of former presidents George Bush and Gerald Ford. Cannonball target with traveling freak show at Hullabalooza. Unknowing assistant to super-terrorist Scorpoi in his plot to take over the east coast. Climbed into the ring with world heavyweight champ. Alcohol bootlegger during short-lived Springfield Prohibition. Voice of the "Itchy & Scrathy" character, "Poochie."


Age:34
Shoe Size:13AA
Familial Role: Thread that holds Simpson family together.
Famous for: Her marshmallow squares.
Things occasionally found in her hair: Large sums of money, cats, roosters, and Maggie.
Jobs: Strikebreaking teacher at Springfield Elementary, worker at nuclear power plant, carhop waitress, Springfield police officer, pretzel franchisee.
Criminal Record: Convicted of misdemeanor shoplifting.
Admires: Artie Ziff, Mr. Burns, Moe, Springfield Isotopes player Flash Baylor.
Political Affiliations: Mary Bailey supporter. Twice voted for Jimmy Carter.
Hair Dye: Blue #56
Favorite Singer: Tom Jones
Turn-ons: Having her elbow nibbled, Homer's "Mr. Plow" jacket.
Quirks: Cooks with less than eight spices. Believes potatoes are neat. Denied having two of Milhouse's teeth, despite the fact that she did. Often sleeps naked. Has webbed feet.
Extracurricular: Lead role in community musical production of "Oh! Streetcar." Considered an affair with kegling pro, Jaques. Came up with idea for Springfield to host a film festival. Organized town-wide boycott of "Ithchy & Scratchy" to eliminate violence on TV. Developed gambling addiction. Briefly stopped loving Bart after he shoplifted. Went on lam with criminal neighbor, Ruth Powers. Enjoyed pampering herself after a nervous breakdown at Rancho Relaxo. Conquered fear of flying after making peace with the fact that her father was a fligh attendant. Commisioned by Mr. Burns to paint his portrait. Once encouraged Lisa to smile despite the fact that she was depressed.


Age: 10
Personality: Devious, underachieving, school-hating, irreverent, clever.
Known aliases: Rudiger, El Barto.
Abilities: Possesses a huge repertoire of practical jokes and methods of revenge, with antics ranging from vandalism to international fraud. Prank calls to Moe's Tavern are a specialty.
Discoveries: A comet that nearly destroyed Springfield, Blinky the three-eyed fish.
Idol: Krusty the Clown.
Past loves: Jessica Lovejoy, Laura Powers.
Extracurricular: Sawed off the head of a statue of town founder Jebediah Springfield. Decimated the Australian ecosystem with a bullfrog. Decieved Springfieldians into thinking that a boy named Timmy O'Toole had fallen down one of the town's wells. Made a mockery of a school weather balloon launch by transforming the balloon into an effigy of Principal Skinner. Blew Agnes Skinner off of teh commode by throwing a cherry bomb into a toilet in the boy's bathroom. Mistaken for a genius after swapping IQ tests with fourth-grade class brain, Martin Prince. Forced to make antifreeze-laced wine on a student exchange trip to France. Caused marital discord by taking picture of drunken Homer cavorting with belly-dancer, Princess Kashmir. Lead a war against neighborhood bully, Nelson Muntz. Enjoyed brief, injurious career as a daredevil. Nearly disowned by his sister after ruining her Thanksgiving centerpiece. Deadlocked with Todd Flanders in a miniture golf tourney. Saved Mr. Burns's life by donating rare double O-negative blood. Led a rebellion at Kamp Krusty. Helped clear Krusty the Clown's name and finger Sideshow Bob in a Kwik-E-Mart robbery framing. Became famous on Krusty's show as the "I Didn't Do it Boy." Finked on Krusty to the IRS for tax fraud. Win an elephant in a radio contest. Served a brief stint as Mr. Burns's heir. Sold his soul for $5.


Age:8
Role in family:Moral center and middle child.
Once called herself: "The saddest kid in grade number two."
Plays: Saxaphone (and occasionally, the guitar).
First Word as a Baby: "Bart."
Obsession: Ponies
First Crush: Substitute teacher Mr. Bergstrom.
Second Crush: Nelson Muntz.
Perpetual Crush: Several actors named Corey.
Past Addictions: The Corey Hotline, Trucker's Choice Stay-Awake Tablets.
Extracurricular: Mentored by late jazzman Bleeding Gums Murphy. Busted her father for an illegal cable hookup. Won regional Reading Digest essay contest, but lost the national competition in Washington, D.C., after losing faith in government. Served brief term as Little Miss Springfield until she became disillusioned by pageant sponsorship by Laramie Cigarettes. Desired by Ralph Wiggum. Desgusted by the talking Malibu Stacey doll's lack of integrity, coinvented poor-selling Lisa Lionhart doll. All-star goalie in pee-wee hockey. Discovered Jebediah Springfield was a pirate. Assisted Mr. Burns in recovering his lost fortune. Passed the second grade as the first female cadet at Rommelwood Military Academy. Refused to participate in "The Simpsons Family Smile-Time Variety Hour."


Age:1
Role: Pacifier-sucking Simpson child.
Monetary Value: (according to supermarket scanner) $847.63.
Only True Enemy: Gerald, the baby with one-eyebrow.
Dexterity: Low. Falls over often.
First Word: "Daddy"
Extracurricular: Untied Bart and Lisa after they were bound by notorious Babysitter Bandit. Knows what a credenza is. Can spell out "E=MC2" with her toy blocks and scribble "MAGGIE SIMPSON" on her Etch-A-Scetch. Occasionally drinks from the dog dish. Bonked Homer on head with a mallet and attacked him with a pencil, imitating cartoon violence. Possibly saved her father's life by catching a beer bottle flying at his head. Led a baby rebellion at the Ayn Rand School for Tots. Shot Charles Montgomery Burns.

Mr. Burns


Occupation: Rich and ancient owner of the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant; most powerfull man in Sprinfield.
Accomplishments: Has lived through twelve recessions, eight panics, and five years of McKinlynomics.
Past Disguises: Wavy Gavy, Jimbo Jones.
Favorite Lunch: A pillow of shreded wheat; steamed toast; a dodo egg.
Secret Shame: Physically weaker than an infant.
Favorite Non-monetary Wager: Coca-Cola (one can of).
Miscellaneous: Denture collection includes fangs; once tried to court Marge; once tried to marry Marge's Mother.
"Look at them, Smithers. Goldbrickers, layabouts, slugabeds! Little do they realize their days of sucking at my teat are numbered!"

Dr. Marvin Monroe


Occupation: Media Physcotherapist.
Practice: Dr. Marvin Monroe's Family Therapy Center.
Phone Number:1-800-555-HUGS.
Radio Host: Call-in therapy show - dial 555-PAIN.
Established: The Marvin Monroe Take-Home Personality Test/The Monroe Meshuggnah Quotient (or MMQ).
Turn-ons: Rich people with emotional problems; TV cameras and microphones.
Turn-offs: Poor people with emotional problems; sanity; patients who take him up on his double-your-money-back guarantee.
"Okay, you want to kill each other. That's good. That's Healthy.

Jimbo Jones


Description: Shaggy-haired, buck toothed town lowlife.
Reputation: Proud to be known as one of the worst kidds in school.
Cohorts: Dolph and Kearny.
Attire: Never seen wearing anything other than a black skull T-shirt and navy blue watch cap.
Hobbies: Beating up intimidated classmates; shoplifting from the Kwik-E-Mart; getting kicked out of Space Mutants movies.
Record: Served time as an abusive counseler at Kamp Krusty.
Secret Shames: Watching soap operas with his mother; the fact that Moe once brought him to his knees.
"I mean, throwing rocks at a statue is one thing, but I'd never cut the head off a guy who iced a bear with his bare hands."

Krusty the Clown


Distinctive Features: Big nose; big red hair; loud, baggy clothes; superflous nipple,
Humble Beginning: As a street mime in Tupelo, Mississippi.
Medical File: Had a near-fatal on-the-air heart attack in 1986; triple bypass surgery and pacemaker recipient; once went in for plastic surgery to change his identity and ended up with silicone breast implants.
Professional Highlights: Played FDR on stage and could not remember to stay in the wheelchair; almost knighted by Queen Elizabeth; his show was condemned by parents and educators for simple-minded TV mayhem.
Charitable Acts: Led celebrity recording for a boy stuck in a well.
Autobiography: One critic said it was "self-serving" and "filled with glaring omissions."
"If this is anyone but Steve Allen, you're stealing my bit!"

Edna Krabappel


Occupation: Fourth-grade teaher at Springfield Elementary.
Marital Status: Divorced, but still looking.
Habits: Can Sometimes be seen smoking inside the school.
On strike: While leading a teachers' strike, held up a sign that said, "Honk if you love cookies!"
Favorite apparel: Blue skirt, green sweater, blue pumps.
Favorite Canned Dinner Brand: Chef Lonelyhearts.
Restricted: Can't go to the library anymore because "everybody stinks."
"Seymour, the children are playing in the hole again."

Kent Brockman


Occupation: Local Emmy-winning news anchor.
Hosts: "Springfield Action News"; "Eye on Springfield"; "Smartline"; "My Two Cents."
Biggist Windfall: Winning the lottery and announcing it on the air (later turning up with a gold medallion around his neck).
Married to: Stephanie, the Weather Lady.
Turn-ons: Bikinis; scandals; the warm feeling he gets when he uses a cliche.
Turn-offs: Being interrupted; being questioned; when his Danish is stolen.
"Ladies and gentlemen, I've been to Vietnam, Afghanistan, and Iraq, and I can say without hyperbole that this is a million times worse than all of them put together."

Reverend Lovejoy


Occupation: Man of God; motorist; marriage counselor.
Biggest competitors: The NFL; warm beds on Sunday morning; cable.
Books/pamphlets: Hell: It's not just for Christians Anymore and Satan's Boners.
Hobby: Toy trains.
Secret Shame: Has his dog do it's "dirty business" on Ned Flander's lawn.
Word's of comfort to death-row inmates: "There there; there, there"; "Well, if that's the worst thing to happed to you today, consider yourself lucky."
"The church reveiveth and the church taketh away."

Seymour Skinner


Occupation: Principal of Springfield Elementary School.
Nickname: Spanky
Residence: Still lives with his mother.
Education: According to the students, he knows everything.
Reputation: Renowned stuffed shirt.
Top Secret: Rumored to wear a toupee.
Speech: Uses big words.
Turn-ons: Orderliness; promptness; respect; good grooming.
Turn-offs: Chaos; tardiness; disrespect; Bart Simpson.
"Say what you will about our cafeteria. I still think they're the best tater tots money can buy."

Dr. Hibbert


Relationship to the Simpsons: Simpson family doctor, delivered all Simpson children.
Annoying Habits: Laughing at innappropriate times; jokingly telling wives that their husbands are dead; informing patients that their legs will have to come off when he really means their "wet bathing suits."
Fashion Sense: Cosby sweaters; the occasional Rocky Horror Picture Show costume; a haircut that changes with the times.
We don't believe fur is murder, but paying for it sure is!"

Ned Flanders


Occupation: Left-handed item merchant.
Education: Ph.D in mixology.
Prize possessions: Propane Elaine, his gas grill.
Pet Peeve: Maud underlining passages in his Bible.
"Absatively posilutely!"

Nelson


Full Name: Nelson Muntz.
Occupation: Springfield Elementary School Bully.
Favorite Pranks: Hot-footing (putting a lit match between someone's toes); hocking freshly caught fish at cars.
Secret to Success: Cheating.
Companions: Two weasels who carry out many of his evil whims; and Jimbo, Dolph, and Kearney.
Wears: T-shirt; shorts; vest with ragged hemline.
"Haw! Haw"

Moe Szylak


Occupation: Surly, two-faced owner of Moe's Tavern.
Specializes in Serving: Duff Beer.
Cocktail Mixing Skills: Virtually non-existent.
Trusts: No one.
Serves Drinks on the House: Never.
Bane of his Existance: Bart Simpson and his regular phone calls asking for such fictitous bar patrons as Jaques Strap, I.P Freely, B.O. Problem, and Amanda Hugginkiss.
Heritage: Claims his forefathers were bartenders to the Czar.
"When I get ahold of you, I'm going to use your head for a bucket and paint my house with your brains."

Groundskeeper Willy


Occupation: Thickly accented Springfield Elementary maintenance man/groundskeeper.
Nationality: Scottish.
Hair: Red and shaggy.
Eyebrows: Red and even shaggier.
Physique: Muscular; body-builder.
Attitude: Surly, particularly when confronted by Principal Skinner.
Carries: A flask of liquid courage.
Favorite problem solving device: 12-bore shotgun.
"There's nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased Scotsman!"

Selma


Family Tree Spot: Daughter of Jaqueline Bouvier; twin sister of Patty; both older sisters of Marge.
Pet Iguana's Name: Jub-Jub.
Cigarette Brand: Laramie.
Employer: Department of Motor Vehicles.
Hair: Frizzy, grayish, with part in the middle distinguishing her from her twin sister.
Favorite TV Show: "MacGyver."
Favorite Male: Richard Dean Anderson.
Least Favorite Male: Homer J. Simpson.
"Now bring us some extra chairs like a good blubber-in-law."

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