The Obligatory Blonde Jokes - sorry!!!

How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies ? 10, 1 to make the dough, 9 to peel the M & M's.

What's thicker than a thick shake? A blonde. What's thicker than a blonde? An Irish blonde. What's thicker than an Irish blonde? An Aussie. What's thicker than an Aussie? I don't know either, I'm still trying to figure it out!

Blonde Painter

Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman. The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie,"Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?" "Sure that sounds great!" said Julie. "Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man. "Is fifty bucks all right?" Julie asked. "Yeah, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage." The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife. "Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied. About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door."I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?" "Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!" The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie. "Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

The Waitress

"How come you're late?" asks the bartender as the blonde waitress walks in the door. "It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street; he was thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course; all my training came back to me in a minute." "What did you do?" asks the bartender. "I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"

Speed Trap

Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 90 mph. "Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel "Any cops following us?" The blonde turned around and had a long look at the road behind them. "Yeah, looks like it" "Are his flashers on?" The blonde turned around again...... "Yup....nope....yup....nope....yup....nope....yup....."

The Gambler

A blonde walks up to a Coke machine in a Las Vegas casino, puts in a few coins, and out pops a Coke. She puts some more coins into the machine, another can of soda pops out. She keeps putting in coins, and cans of soda keep coming out. A guy walks up behind her and says, "Can I please use the machine?" "Get Away!" she says. "Can't you see I'm winning?"

First Class Blonde

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving." Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving." The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what should he do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?" Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

Duplicity

A red-head was walking down a country road one day and came across a penned-in field with sheep in it. Getting the attention of the shepherd, she asked him if she could have one of his lambs if she could guess how many were in the pen. "Sure," he said, adding "it's gonna be a mighty hard, but go ahead." "Hmm, she pondered." Then she suddenly said, "175." "My gosh," said the shepherd, astounded. "How'd you do that?" "Just a lucky guess," replied the red-head. "Well, deal's a deal." And he handed her a lamb. As she was walking away, the shepherd called behind her, "hey, if I can guess your original hair color, can I have the lamb back?" "I guess," she responded, "but that's gonna be pretty hard, too." "Well, I'll try just the same." He thought a minute and then said, "I'd say your original hair color was blonde." "How in the world did you guess that?" she asked. "Just a lucky guess. Can I have my dog back?"

Emergency Repair Kit

Josh was helping Sally (a blonde) clean out the trunk of her car. Inside, he noticed a bag labelled "Emergency Repair Kit". Looking at it a little closer, he noticed a stick of dynamite inside. Thinking that was a bit strange, he asked Sally what it was for. She said, "It's part of my emergency repair kit." Josh said, "I can see that but why?" Sally replied, "In case I have a flat and need to blow up one of my tires."

Giddy-up

even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse and tries to throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head strikes the ground over and over again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when -fortunately the WalMart manager sees her and shuts off the horse.

An educated Blonde?

One day a young, buxom blonde decided that she had had it with the "Dumb Blonde" jokes going around. As a result, she decided that she would show all those non-blonde sexists that blondes really are smart, so she set out to learn the capital of each of the fifty United States. A few days later, armed with her new-found knowledge, she overheard the watercooler talk among some co-workers; again brazenly laughing over the lack of blonde intellect. Having had our fill, our buxom blonde went to the foray and advised that she could prove to them, once and for all, that all blondes were not dumb. She then proceeded to show them by offering to name the capital of any state of their choosing. Taken aback by her confidence, a gentleman, thinking that he could stump her, asked her to name the capital of the State of Maine. With a few moments of insightful thought, our buxom blonde, as confident as could be, smiled and gleefully stated "M"!!!!!!

Office Blondes

Several weeks ago we hired a blond who wasn't the brightest crayon in the box. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the blond took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies. This is a true story A blonde was recently hired at our office. Her first task was to go out for coffee. Eager to do well her first day on the job, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order. "Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" the blonde asked. The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, Hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me." "Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief. "Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf.

God loves Blondes

A blonde woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto". Lotto night comes and she does not win. Brandi again prays..."God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and now I'm going to lose my car." Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck. Once again, she pray's..." Dear Lord, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask for help, and I have always been a good servant to you PLEEEEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly, there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God himself... "Brandi, work with me on this. Buy a ticket!"