The evils of drink...

Starkle starkle little twink
who the heck you are I think
I'm not under what you call
the alcofluence of incohol
I'm just a little slort of sheep
I'm not drunk like tinkle peep
I don't know who is me yet
but the drunker I stand here the longer I get
Just give me one more drink to fill me cup
'cuz I got all day sober to Sunday up.

Strong Man

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man,"What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?" The man replied," I work for the IRS."

Sore Throat

A guy with a severe case of laryngitis goes into a bar/pub and asks the barman for a whisky. The barman says, "You sound horrible, what's the problem? "I've had this terrible case of laryngitis for two weeks and it just won't get any better." "I know just what you mean," says the barman. "I had the same thing a month ago." "How did you get rid of it," says the bloke. "I got the wife to give me a twenty minute blowjob and it was gone the next day," says the barman. "Is your wife home now," says the patron?

Seventeen reasons why alcohol should be served at work....

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It leads to more honest communications.

3. It reduces complaints about low pay.

4. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

5. It encourages car pooling.

6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.

7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

8. It makes fellow employees look better.

9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.

13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.

15. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.

16. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.

17. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."

The Irish Round

Definition:

What exactly is a "Round" and how does it work?? A "Round" is an unwritten contract among alcohol consumers. It consists of two or more people of average drinking capabilities who take it in turn to buy the full compliment of drinks for the group.

Procedure:

There are many unwritten rules that allow the "Round" to run efficiently. The most important ( and most abused ) of these is that the "Round" moves as fast as the fastest drinker. That means that when the first man in the round is finished then the next round of drinks shall, nay, MUST be bought. There is no compromise to this. This is Black and White.

Background:

No one knows the exact origin of the "Round" but a variation of the early round system can be found in Clare and involves Sheep-shagging instead of alcohol.

FAQ

Brian from Newport - Question: Hypothetical situation : it's my round and when I get to the bar they are no longer serving pints. I decided to buy Smirnoff Ice. Is this acceptable????

Answer: Tricky situation Brian. Smirnoff Ice is quite alright, and your fellow drinkers will be very grateful and will gladly drink this beverage and thank you for it most heartily, but from this point forward, you and seven generations of your family will be known as Bangkok Lady Boys.

Adrian from Waterford - Question: I like being in a round but unfortunately I am not able to handle much alcohol so I end up slipping behind. But I always catch up again when it's my round as I wait until I'm finished before I buy my round. This is acceptable, isn't it????

Answer: This is quite acceptable Adrian. it's not your fault you're a slow drinker, and none of your mates will fault you on it. They will encourage you to take your time as they sit in front of their empty glasses, but from this point forward you and seven generations of your family will now be known as Half-Pints.

Timmy from Kilkenny - Question: It's my round next but everyone decides to leave for another pub. I go and hide so as I don't have to buy my "Round". Is this not right????

Answer: Perfectly right Timmy. The boys will appreciate that you wish to stay in the pub with your other mates and that it would be impractical for you to follow them just for the sake of buying a round, however from this point forward seven generations of your family will now be known as Tight Bastards (excluding your sisters).

Mick from Paris - Question: It is my round but I have just had a big chunk of my colon removed and I am in agonising pain. Can I just get a glass of water????

Answer: Of course Mick. The guys will understand that your health is very important to you. They will sympathise with you, ask you if you feel OK and offer to call a taxi to take you home. However, once the taxi has left, you and seven generations of your family will become known as Fucking Wuss-Boys.

Leon from Woodford - Question: It is my round but I am well behind my colleagues. In order to catch up would it be a good idea to just buy drinks for the lads and not bother buying one for myself? After all I have nearly a full pint to keep me going.

Answer: Excellent idea. Taking a break during your own round is a great way to ease the pressure, while still paying back the drinks you owe the lads. Nobody loses out under these circumstances, except for the next seven generations of your family, who will be branded with the title "Cute Hoors".

How to fool a barman...

A man in a pub had a couple of pints, and the bar man told him he owed four pounds. "But I paid, don't you remember?" said the customer. "Okay," said the barman. "If you say you paid, you did. "The man then went outside and told his mate that the barman couldn't keep track of his customers' bills. The second man then rushed in and ordered a pint. When it came time to pay he pulled the same trick. The barman replied, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it." So the man went into the street, saw an old friend, and told him how to get free drinks. The man hurried into the bar and began to drink whiskey when, suddenly, the barman leaned over and said, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking pints, neither paid and both said that they did. The next person who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose." "Don't bother me with your troubles," the man replied. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

Polo Mint