Pig Population
A farmer was worried that none of his pigs
were getting pregnant. He called a vet and asked what he should do if
he wanted more pigs. The vet told him he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer, not wanting to appear stupid, answered okay and hung up the
phone. Unclear on what the vet meant by artificial insemination, the farmer
decided it must mean he had to impregnate the pigs himself, so he loaded
all the pigs in his pickup and drove down to the woods and shagged them
all. The next day he called the vet again, and asked how would he know
if the pigs were pregnant. The vet told him they would be lying down rolling
in the mud, but when he looked out the window not even one was lying down.
So, he loaded them up in his pickup again and drove them to the woods
and shagged them all again. To his dismay they were all standing the next
morning. So, again he loads the pigs in his truck drives them to the woods
and shags them for the third time. By the next morning the farmer is beat,
so he asks his wife to hop out of bed and look out the window to see what
the pigs are doing. She says, "Hmmm, that's weird, they are all in
the truck and one of them is blowing the horn.
Guide Dog!?
A blind man walks in to a department store with his seeing eye dog on a leash. As usual the store manager behind the customer service counter looks up, notices the customer is blind, and not wanting to stare quickly looks away again. Out of the corner of his eye the manager sees the blind man start swinging the dog over his head with its leash. Shocked, the manager runs over and says "Mister is there a problem - is there anything I can help you with?" The blind man calmly replies "No thanks - I'm just looking around."
Keep her Pure
A farmer buys a cute little filly
that he plans on racing next season, but when he gets her home, his old
stallion smells her and wants her and starts kicking up dust. The farmer
doesn't want her knocked up, because she won't be able to race, so he
calls the vet. The vet tells him to tie a bedsheet around the philly's
rump to keep the stallion away. So that day, the farmer does just that.
The next day, the farmer goes out to the corral to make sure the vet's
solution worked, but the filly's nowhere to be found. The farmer follows
her hoof trail to the neighbor's farm, and sees the neighbour's kid out
by their barn. "Hey boy, did you see a filly run by with a bedsheet tied
around her rump?" the farmer asks. The kid replies, "No sir, but one dashed
past here early this morning with a handkerchief sticking out of her ass!"
Each day a man walked into his stable to ride his horse, whose name was
John. He would call out, "Here, John," and then bridle his horse. One
day while going through this routine he said, "Here, John," and, to his
surprise, the horse turned around and spoke. He said, "All these days
you have walked in here and said, "Here, John," and I'm tired of it!"
And with that, the horse named John took off running! Shocked, the owner
took off running after the horse trying to catch it, and so did his dog.
After a while the man became tired and stopped to rest at the side of
the road. He took out his handkerchief and wiped his face as his dog,
also breathless, sat down beside him. The man wondered aloud, "I ain't
never heard a horse talk before!" "Me neither!" said the dog, gasping
for air.
Poor Bear!
Once upon a time there was a frog that lived in a lake all by himself. A local witch had given him special powers. One day he finally ventured out of the lake to get his first glimpse of the world outside. The first thing he saw was a bear chasing a rabbit and so
he called out to them and asked them to stop. Then he said to them: "I am a magical frog and since you are the first two animals I have ever seen, I am going to grant you both three wishes. You will each take turns using them and you have to use
them now. The bear, which was obnoxious and greedy, went first. "I would like
for every bear in this forest to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done. Then the rabbit said: "I would like a helmet." This confused both the frog and the bear, but after a magical sound there was a helmet. It was the bear's turn again. "I would like for every bear in the neighbouring forest to be female." A magical sound and it was done. The rabbit went again. "I would like a motorcycle." Both the frog and the bear wondered why the rabbit didn't just ask for a lot of money with which he could buy himself a motorcycle, but after a magical sound there was a motorcycle. The bear took his last wish. "I would like for all the bears in the world to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done. The rabbit then put on his helmet, started up the
motorcycle, and said, "I wish the bear was gay" and sped off.
