Old Nick
Sunday morning services were going very smoothly
when suddenly a flash of light and smoke appeared in front of the pulpit
followed by a large "BOOM". When the smoke cleared, the astonished congregation saw a red figure complete with horns, pitchfork and tail. Immediately,
panic set in. People crowded through the doors, trampling each other in
their rush to get away. Satan watched the retreat with great glee, but
his mood was disturbed by the sight of one man still lounging comfortably
in his pew. "Do you not know who I am?", Satan thundered. The man's reply
was nonchalant, "Sure I do." Satan was puzzled. "Do you not fear me?"
"Nope." "Why not?" The man snorted, "What for? I been married to your
sister for 35 years, and this is still better than going home!"
Honk if you love Jesus (Are
there really people this gullible...?)
The other day I went to the local
religious book store where I saw a "Honk if you really love Jesus" bumper
sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm
glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed. Stopped at the light
of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and didn't
notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked!
I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started
to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord because pretty soon he
leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could.
Why, it was like a football game with him shouting, "Go, Jesus Christ,
Go!" Everyone else started honking, so I leaned out my window and waved
and smiled to all those loving people. There must have been a guy from
Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a
sunny beach, and I saw him waving in a funny way with only is middle finger
stuck up in the air. I had recently asked my two grandsons what that meant.
They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled, and told me that
it was the Hawaiian good luck sign, so I leaned out the window and gave
him the good luck sign back. A couple of the people were so caught up
in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking
towards me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the
light had changed, and I stepped on the gas. It's a good thing I did,
because I was the only car to get across the intersection. I looked back
at them standing there. I leaned out the window, gave them a big smile,
and held up the Hawaiian Good Luck sign as I drove away.
Be original...
Not too long ago a large seminar
was held for ministers in training. Among the speakers were many well
known motivational speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and,
gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life
were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!". The crowd was
shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The
crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech which, went over well.
About a week later one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided
to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one
sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It seemed a bit
foggy to him this morning. Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The
greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that
was not my wife!" - His congregation sat shocked. After standing there
for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the
pastor finally blurted out "...and I can't remember who she was!"
Pastoral Parrots
A lady approaches her priest and
tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots,
but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest
inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to
have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have
a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house
and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to
pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying
that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and
worship." "Thank you!" the woman responded. The next day the woman brings
her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding
rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots
in with the male parrots. Immediately, the female parrots say, "Hi, we're
prostitutes, want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks over at the
other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have
been answered!"
For your sins
It seems a pastor from Maine skipped
services one Sunday to go bear hunting in the mountains. As he turned
the corner along the path, he and a bear collided. The pastor stumbled
backwards, slipped off the trail, and began tumbling down the mountain
with the bear in hot pursuit. Finally the pastor crashed into a boulder,
sending his rifle in one direction and breaking both legs. As the bear
closed in, the pastor cried out in desperation, "Lord, I'm sorry for what
I have done. Please forgive me and save me! Lord, please make that bear
a Christian." Suddenly the bear skidded to a halt at the pastor's feet,
fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and said, "God, bless this
food which I am about to receive."
Abstinence
A preacher was completing a temperance
sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world,
I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he
said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it
into the river." And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey
in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down. The
song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For
our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."
Fridays
One day a guy dies and finds himself in Hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with the Devil...
Devil: Why so glum, chum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in Hell.
Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Devil: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers..., we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more! It doesn't matter that it can kill ya...you're already dead!
Guy: Gee, that sounds great.
Devil: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it!
Devil: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! If you get cancer-no biggie-you're already dead, remember?
Guy: Wow...that's ... awesome!
Devil: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Devil: Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go bankrupt...well your dead anyhow.
Guy: Amazing!
Devil: You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Devil: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want and if ya overdose-that's right you're dead-who cares! OD!!
Guy: Yowza! I never realized Hell was such a swingin' place!!
Devil: You gay?
Guy: No....
Devil: Ooh, you're gonna hate Fridays...
Nice Ride
Arthur Davidson of The Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corp. dies and goes to
heaven. At the gates, St. Peter tells Davidson, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your motorcycles have virtually changed the whole concept of transportation ... you deserve a reward. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Davidson thinks about this for a while and then says, " I want to hang out with God Himself"
St. Peter takes Arthur to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Arthur then asks God "Hey, aren't you the inventor of women?" God says "Yes". "Well", says Davidson, "You have some major design flaws in your invention".
- There's too much front protrusion.
- It chatters at high speeds.
- The rear end wobbles too much. and
- The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
"Hmmmmmmm ..." replies God ... "hold on ..". God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types a few key strokes and waits for a result. The computer prints out a piece of paper and God reads it.
"It may be that my invention is flawed, " God replies to Arthur Davidson”, "but according to my computer, more men are riding my invention than yours".
