Irish related jokes (and not all of them slag us either!)

One boring afternoon, Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade when his telephone rang. "Hello Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice says, " This is Paddy down in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that I am officially declaring war on you!" "Well, Paddy", Saddam replies "This indeed is important news! Tell me, how big is your army?" "At this moment in time," says Paddy after a moments calculation "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbour Gerry and the entire dominoes team from the pub - That makes 8!" Saddam sighs and says "I must tell you Paddy that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my word". "Oh shit," says Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day Paddy rings back. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!" "What equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asks. "Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm". Once more Saddam sighs and says "I must tell you Paddy that I have 16 thousand tanks, 2 thousand mine layers, 14 thousand armoured cars and my army has increased to 1 and a half million since we last spoke". "Fuck me!" says Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've kited out old Ted's cropsrayer with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!" Once more Saddam sighs and says "I must tell you Paddy that I have 10 thousand bombers and 20 thousand Mig 109 high manoeuvrability attack planes and my military complex is surrounded by laser Guided surface to air missile sites and since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million" "Oh Bollocks" says Paddy "I'll have to ring you back".

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war." "I'm very sorry to hear that" says Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?" "Well," says Paddy "We've all had a chat and there's no way we can cope with 2 million prisoners"

Dub waaaazzzzzzaaaaaaaapp

(We started doing "Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" at work and it never really caught on - doubt it will somehow)

Irish are nice-ish, sort of !!

Jan is a Swiss student who spent 6 months working in Shannon on a work experience programme. With the economy booming here and more money to go around than ever before his impressions of "the celtic tiger" are interesting as an outsiders view.

I rest my case.

The Irishman, the Mexican, and the Blond

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I getcorned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too." Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The blond opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also. At the funeral The Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again! The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the blond's wife. "Hey, don't look at me" she said. "He makes his own lunch."

Murphy

An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, I've some bad news for you... you have cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month." Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints." After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends "I've only got few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers. After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his confusion, "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!" Murphy said, " I am dying from cancer, son. I just don't want any of them around your mother after I'm gone."

Guinness

A Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Irishman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"

Duped again

Three Cavan folks and three Dublin folks are travelling by train to a major football match. At the station, the three Dublin folks each buy a ticket and watch as the three Cavan folks buy only a single ticket between them.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks the Dublin man. "Watch and you'll see," answers a Cavan man.

The Dublin folks see this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. After the match, the Dublin folks decide to copy the Cavan folks on the return trip and save some money (not wanting to be out-done by a bunch of lads from Cavan). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Cavan folks don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Dublin man. "Watch and you'll see," answers the Cavan man.

When they board the train the three Dublin folks cram into a restroom and the three Cavan folks cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Cavan folks leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Dublin folks are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please.."

Proof that Jesus was Irish

Who wants to be a Millionaire?!

Mick is appearing on the Irish Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.

Gaybo: "Mick you've done very well so far - 500,000 and one life left - phone a friend, the next question will give you the first ever Million if you get it right but if you get it wrong you will be out of the game and drop to 32,000 - are you ready?"
Mick: "Sure I'll have a go"
Gaybo : "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest???is it A-Robin B-Sparrow C-Cuckoo D-Thrush!!!! Remember Mick, it's worth 1 Million."
Mick: " I tink I know who it........ but I'm not 100%....no I haven't got a clue. Can I phone a friend please Gay, just to be sure?"
Gay: "Yes Mick who do you want to phone?"
Mick: "I'll be phoning Paddy back home in Ballygoon." (ringing)
Paddy: "Hello..."
Gay: "Hello Paddy its Gay Byrne here from who wants to be a millionaire - I have Mick here and he is doing really well on 500,000 but needs your help to get the Million. The next voice you hear will be Micks - he'll explain the question there are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer - fire away Mick." Mick: "Paddy Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest??? is it A-Robin B-Sparrow C-Cuckoo D-Thrush!!!!
Paddy: "Jesus Mick thats simple.....Its a Cuckoo.
Mick: "You think?"
Paddy: "I'm sure."
Mick: " Thanks Paddy."
Gay: "Well do you want to stick on 500,000 or play on for first ever Million Mick?"
Mick: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo
Gay: "Is that your final answer?"
Mick: "It is."
Gay: "Are you confident?"
Mick: "Yes fairly Paddys a sound bet."
Gay: "Mick .....you had 500,000 and you said Cuckoo - You have just won I MILLION POUNDS. Here is your cheque you have been a great contestant and a real gambler - audience please put your hands together for Mick."

That night Mick calls round to Paddy and brings him down to the local to fill him full of drink and as they are sitting at the bar Mick turns to Paddy and ask's "Tell me Paddy!!! How in Gods name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest, sure you know feck all about birds?????" Paddy: "Listen Mick, everybody know that fecken Cuckoo lives in a clock"!!!!!

Microsoft Press Release

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the North Dublin version of Windows 2001 may have accidentally been shipped outside of Ireland. If you have one of the North Dublin editions you may need some help understanding the commands.

The North Dublin edition may be recognised by looking at the loading screen. It reads "Windoze 2001" with a background picture of a syringe superimposed on a photograph of the The Anna Livia. It is shipped with the Guinness screen saver.

Other Features:
OK = alroi'
cancel = fuck that
yes = roight
no = no bleedin' chance boss
find = go an' get it your fuckin self
help = I can't fuckin' do it
start = go on ya good thing
personal folder = all me shit

Also note that Windoze 2001 does not recognise capital letters or punctuation marks. Some programs that are exclusive to Windoze 2001:
type ritor = a word processor
cullarin book = a graphics package
addin masheen = calculator
choons = CD player
dole = accounting software
bevvy = local off-licences by postcode and price of Guinness
porno = Microsoft Internet Explorer

We regret any inconvenience it may cause if you received a copy of the North Dublin edition. You may return it to Microsoft for an immediate replacement.

The Accident

A pregnant woman from Dublin is envolved in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Dublin came in and named them." The woman thinks to herself, "Oh No, not my brother... he's an idiot!"

She asks the doctor,"Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise." Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?" "Denephew"

Another Accident

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small 2-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery this afternoon in central Ireland. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

Photo Shoot

Two Irish lassies, Eileen and Kelly decided to have their pictures taken and went to the photographer. The process was totally new to Eileen, so she kept asking Kelly questions. "What's he doing now?" "Aye, he's going to pull down the backdrop." "What's he doing now?" "Aye, he's going to set up the camera." "What's he doing now? Aye, he's going to focus." "What! Both of us?"

Marching Season

Last night a UFO landed on the Garvaghy Road. Out of the boisterous crowd that has gathered around steps Brendan MacCoinnaith of the Garvaghy Road Residents' Association. "Are you Catholics or Protestants?" asks Brendan. "Neither," is the response, " we're Martian." "Not down this f###ing road you're not!" says Brendan.

Paddy blah-blah I

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons.
"My son was born on St George's Day," commented the Englishman. "So we obviously decided to call him George."
"That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot. "My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew."
"That's incredible, what a coincidence," said the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake."

Paddy blah-blah II

There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters. The Englishman says " I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes".
The Scotsman says " That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."
With that the Irishman says " Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a cock."

Irish Diplomacy The ability to tell a man to go to hell in such a way that he actually looks forward to the trip.