Always remember those who serve...
In the days when an ice cream sundae cost
much less, a 10 year old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a
table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him. "How much is an
ice cream sundae?" "Fifty cents," replied the waitress. The little boy
pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied a number of coins in it.
"How much is a dish of plain ice cream?" he inquired. Some people were
now waiting for a table and the waitress was a bit impatient. "Thirty-five
cents," she said brusquely. The little boy again counted the coins. "I'll
have the plain ice cream," he said. The waitress brought the ice cream,
put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream,
paid the cashier and departed. When the waitress came back, she began
wiping down the table and then swallowed hard at what she saw. There,
placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies
- her tip.
School Daze
It was at the end of the school year,
and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's
son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet
I know what it is. Some flowers." "That's right" the boy said, "but how
did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said. The next pupil was the
sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook
it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "That's
right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess,"
said the teacher. The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner.
The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched
a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. "Is
it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The
teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her
tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more
excitement. The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give
up, what is it?" With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"
A Little Box of Kisses
The story goes that some time ago, a man punished
his 3-year-old daughter for wasting a roll of gold wrapping paper. Money
was tight and he became infuriated when the child tried to decorate a
box to put under the Christmas tree. Nevertheless, the little girl brought
the gift to her father the next morning and said, "This is for you, Daddy."
He was embarrassed by his earlier overreaction, but his anger flared again
when he found the box was empty. He yelled at her, "Don't you know that
when you give someone a present, there's supposed to be something inside
it?" The little girl looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said,
"Oh, Daddy, it is not empty. I blew kisses into the box. All for you,
Daddy." The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little girl,
and he begged for her forgiveness. It is told that the man kept that gold
box by his bed for years and whenever he was discouraged, he would take
out an imaginary kiss and remember the love of the child who had put it
there. In a very real sense, each of us as humans have been given a gold
container filled with unconditional love and kisses from our children,
friends, family or God. There is no more precious possession anyone could
hold. NOW YOU HAVE 2 CHOICES: (1) Pass this on to your friends (2) Delete
it and act like it didn't touch your heart. As you can see, I took choice
number 1....
What does your Dad do?
A teacher asks the children to discuss
what their fathers do for a living. Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer.
He puts the bad guys in jail." Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor.
He makes all the sick people better." All the kids in the class had their
turn except Little Johnny. Teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do
?" Johnny says: "My Dad is dead." "I'm sorry to hear that, but what did
he do before he died ?" "He turned blue and shit on the carpet."
And, again...
Two small boys were overheard talking
at the zoo one day "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your
Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind," replied Tommy.
A Leaf From the Bible
A little boy opened the big and old
family Bible with fascination, he looked at the old pages as he turned
them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked
at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in
between pages. "Momma, look what I found", the boy called out. "What have
you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young
boy's voice he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"
Who's Stoopid?
A businessman was talking with his
barber, when they both noticed a goofy-looking fellow bouncing down the
sidewalk. The barber whispered, "That's Tommy, one of the stupidest kids
you'll ever meet. Here, I'll show you." "Hey Tommy! Come here!" yelled
the barber. Tommy came bouncing over "Hi Mr. Williams!" The barber pulled
out a rusty dime and a shiny quarter and told Tommy he could keep the
one of his choice. Tommy looked long and hard at the dime and quarter
and then quickly snapped the dime from the barber's hand. The barber looked
at the businessman and said, "See, I told you." After his haircut, the
businessman caught up with Tommy and asked him why he chose the dime.
Tommy looked at him in the eye and said, "If I take the quarter, the game
is over."
Humbug
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback
is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new
bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring
that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell
Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue
the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket
and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got
there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah,
he sure did." The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the ass
on the back of the horse, instead of on top."
A Woman's Role
A four year old girl has a hard time grasping the concept of marriage. Thinking visual images would help, her daddy got out their wedding album, and explained the entire service to her. Once finished, he asked if she had any questions, and she replied, "Oh. I see. Is that when Mommy came to work for us, daddy?"
Where's Mommy?
Hello?" Says a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy." Says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!" "Okay, then.
Here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on
the bedroom door and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just
pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!"
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
"Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming,
then she tripped over the rug and fell down the front steps and she's just lying there. Her neck is at a funny angle. I think she's dead."
"Oh my God... And what about Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and is just lying there, not moving. He may be dead too."
There is a long pause, then Bob says, "Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?"
Kid: Nanna can you make a noise like a frog?
Nan: Why dear?
Kid: Cos' dad says when you croak it we're going to live in Florida.
A new class of five year olds were told by their teacher on their first day, if anybody needs the toilet, just put up your hand. An hour later the teacher comes to Johnny, who is sitting in a puddle, and says to him "why didn't you put up your hand when you needed the toilet?" Johnny replied, " I did, but it ran through my fingers"
Marriage, by kids
How do you decide who to marry?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming - Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with - Kirsten, age 10
What is the right age to get married?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then - Camille, age 10
How can a stranger tell if two people are married?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids - Derrick, age 8
What do you think your mom and dad have in common?
Both don't want any more kids - Lori, age 8
What do most people do on a date?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough - Lynnette, age 8
On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets
them interested enough to go for a second date - Martin, age 10
What would you do on a first date that was turning sour?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns - Craig, age 8
When is it okay to kiss someone?
When they're rich - Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that - Curt, age 6
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do - Howard, age 8
Is it better to be single or married?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them - Anita, age 9
How would the world be different if people didn't get married?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? - Kelvin, age 9
How would you make a marriage work?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck - Ricky, age 10
Johnny Strikes Again...
A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good Mary, but I wanted the word 'fascinate.'"
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Good Sally, but I wanted the word
'fascinate.'"
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Little Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him.
Little Johnny said loudly, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons." The teacher
said, "That was good Little Johnny, however you did not use 'fascinate' in your sentence." Little Johnny continued, "but her Tits are So Big she can only fasten 8."
