Three Italian Nuns
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven where they are met at the Pearly gates by St.Peter. He says, "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives that I am granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want."
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren" and *poof* she's gone.
The second nun says, "I want to be Madonna" and *poof* she's gone.
The third nun says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry but that name doesn't ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says...."No Sister, this says 'Sahara Pipeline' laid by 1,900 men in 6 months."
It's creeping up on you...
A group of senior citizens were exchanging
complaints about their ailments. "My arm is so weak that I can hardly
hold this coffee cup." "Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad that I can't
see to pour my coffee." "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis
in my neck." "My blood pressure pills make my dizzy." "I guess that's
the price we pay for getting old." "Well, it's not all bad. We should
be thankful that we can still drive."
Three Sons
An elderly woman's three sons who had done well in the world decided to get their mother something special for her 75th birthday. "I decided to have a large house custom built for her," said the first son. "I sent her a the most expensive Mercedes they make," beamed the second son. "I've got you both beat," said the third. "You know how Mother likes the scriptures but can't read the Bible any longer? Well, I sent her a specially trained parrot who has memorized the entire bible. It took a team of monks over 12 years to train the bird. You name any chapter and verse and the parrot can recite it!" The other two brothers were indeed impressed. After some time, the mother sent each son a thank you letter. In the first she said, "Thank you for the house - it's BIG! But, although I only live in one room, I have to clean them ALL!" To the second she said, "Thank you for the nice car. It's the nicest I've ever had, but since I don't get out much, it sits in the driveway all day." To the third she lovingly wrote, "Ah, you DO know what I need and want. Thank you SO much. The chicken was marvellous!"
How would you like to be remembered?
There were three men standing at
the Pearly Gates of Heaven where Saint Peter met them and asked, "what
would each of you like to hear your relatives or friends say at your funeral?"
The first man answered, "I am a renowned doctor and I would love to hear
someone say how I had been instrumental in saving someone's life and gave
them a second chance." The second man replied, "I am a family man and
a school teacher, I would like to hear some say what a great husband and
father I was and that I had been made a difference in some young persons
life."The third man replied, "Wow guys, those are really great things
but I guess if I had my choice I would rather hear someone say, "LOOK!!!
HE'S MOVING!!!"
High Tech Hearing
For those of us with hearing difficulties..A
man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost
me four thousand dollars, but it is state of the art. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
Dealing with Death
Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette
after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each
other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing. "Oh! Ted died
last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had
a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the
vegetable patch!" "Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What
did you do?" "Opened a can of peas instead."
The Price
In the hospital the relatives gathered
in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally
the doctor came in looking tired and sombre. "I'm afraid I have bad news",
he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your
loved one at this stage is a brain transplant - it's an experimental procedure
, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves". The
family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.
After a great length of time someone
asked, "well how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded,
"$5,000 for amale brain and $200.00 for a female brain". The
moment turned awkward. The men in the room tried not to smile,avoiding
eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to
control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,
"why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish
innocence and so to the entire group said, "it's just standard pricing
procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because
they've been used."
Things I've learned
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is
stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just arseholes.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think.
I've learned that you can keep throwing up long after you think you're finished.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.
I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.
I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends, because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.
I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in thelocal paper.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
I've learned to say "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.
