Love and Marriage

The Reluctant Husband (very corny!)

Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife (with himself as the beneficiary), and arranging to have her killed. A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid SOMETHING up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed. A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Safeway grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department, and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath, and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband. And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared, "ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT SAFEWAY."

The Picnic

The wife chewed out her husband at the company picnic awhile back. "Doesn't it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times?" "Not a bit," the husband replied. "I just tell them I'm filling up the plate for you!"

No Room on the Bus

A man, his wife and their eight children were waiting at a bus stop. Not long after, a blind man joins the group. The bus finally arrives, but the blind man and the husband are forced to walk because there's just no more room on the bus. As they walk together, the tapping of the blind man's cane starts to irritate the other man. Finally, the man says, "You know, that's pretty irritating. Why don't you put a rubber on the end of that stick?" The blind man retorts, "If you'd put a rubber on the end of your stick, we'd both be on that bus."

Fur a Weekend

A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier discreetly whispers to the man, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000." "No problem! I'll write you a check!" "Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared." So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged, "How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn`t a single penny in your checking account!!" "I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"

When I grow up...

An older couple had a son, who was still living at home. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career. They decided to do a small test. They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table, and hid, pretending they were not home. The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest, but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard." So, the parents waited nervously, hiding in the nearby closet. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son saw the note they had left. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it. Then, he grabbed the bottle, opened it and took a whiff, to get assured of the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all three items. The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Damn! Our son is going to be a senator someday!"

Flatulent Mishaps, Part I

Once there lived a man who had a passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they had a lively reaction on him. Then one day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "she is such a sweet and gentle girl, she will never go for this kind of carrying on." So making the supreme sacrifice. He gave up baked beans. They were married shortly thereafter. Months later, his car broke down on the way home from work, and he had to walk home. On the way home, he went into a small cafe and called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. After making the call, he smelled baked beans in the cafe. They were the best beans he had ever smelled! He could not resist and had three large orders of baked beans. All the way home he had gas. His wife seemed excited and somewhat agitated to see him, exclaiming,"darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner tonight!" She blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the dining room table. He seated himself. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She made him vow not to touch the blindfold until she returned. Seizing the opportunity of her absence, he shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not loud, but as ripe as rotten eggs. He took the napkin from his lap and fanned the air about him. Things had just returned to normal when he felt another urge coming on. So he shifted his weight to the other leg and let go again. This was a prize winner. He figured that he must be done. But then he made a third fart. This one made the flowers at the table wilt! Yet somehow his wife didn't hear him. While keeping his ear on the phone conversation in the hall, he again fanned vigorously until he heard the phone farewells, indicating the end of his freedom. He was the very picture of innocence when his wife returned. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked. He assured her that he had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold and there was his surprise -- Twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party!

Flatulent Mishaps, Part II

A women goes to her boyfriend's parent's house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!" The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Ginger!" Once again the woman smiled and thought, "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivalled a train whistle blowing. Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Ginger, get away from her before she shits on you!"

A Passing

Joe goes to the Super Bowl. His seat is in the nosebleed section, but at least he's at the Super Bowl. So he starts looking around the stadium with his binoculars and sees a guy about 5 rows off the field on the 50 yard line with an empty seat beside him. This is driving Joe nuts, so at half time, he goes down and asks the guy why he has a vacant seat in such a choice location. The guy says, "My wife and I bought these seats a long time ago. But unfortunately, she passed away." "Oh, I'm really sorry to hear that", Joe says, "But why didn't you give the ticket to another relative or a friend?" The guy replies: "They're all at the funeral."

Puppy Love

Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said. "I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with my dog Rollo while you are waiting? He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands and sits up, and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through." The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through and over the rail of the balcony. Just then Paul's date walked out. "Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?" she gushed. Paul panicked. "To tell the truth," he said, "he seemed a little depressed to me."

Doctor, Doctor

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said,"Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die: "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. "Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by being pleasant and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. "And, most importantly satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die," she replied.

Wedding Vows

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes." The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal." The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."

Who's the Boss?

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband who was a big burly man tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right," said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man and I wear the pants in this family." With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Heck," he said, "I can't get into your panties!" She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to be until your attitude changes!"

At Auction

Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars." Husband : "How about the ones like mine?" Wife : "Those they gave away." Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off pussies. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand." Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?" Husband : "That's where they held the auction!"

Top 10 Snappy comebacks to " Why aren't you Married yet"

10. You haven't asked yet.

9. What? And spoil my great sex life?

8. Just lucky, I guess. >

7. I'm waiting until I get to be your age.

6. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.

5. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.

4. What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?

3. We really want to, but my lover's husband just won't go for it.

2. I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.

1. Why aren't you thin?

More Pearly Gates

An 85-year-old couple, after being happily married for almost 60 years, died together in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to Mom's interest in health food and proper diet. When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their luxury mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bedroom suite and a fancy in-house jacuzzi. The old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," St. Peter replied, "this is Heaven." Next, they went out the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course that the home faced upon. They would have golfing privileges every day. In addition, it changed to a new one daily, representing the greatest golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, "So, what are the green fees?" St. Peter replied, "This is Heaven, you play for free!" Next, they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the best cuisine of the World laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven, it is free!!" St. Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. In a forceful voice, St. Peter said, "That's the best part, you can eat as much as like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick -- this is Heaven!" With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his halo, screaming wildly and taking the Lord's name in vain. St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking what was wrong. The old man glared at his wife and said, "This is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here years ago!"

Sweet Innocence

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, especially two shiny walls that could move apart, and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this father?" The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady, limping slightly, and with a cane, slowly walks up to the moving walls, and presses a button. The walls opened, and the lady walks between them, into a small room. The walls closed. The boy and his father watched as small circles of lights with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch the circles light up, in reverse direction now. The walls opened up again, and a beautiful young blonde stepped out... The father said to his son, "GO GET YOUR MOTHER!!!"

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? A: 45 lbs.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? A: 45 minutes

Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? A: Sexual harassment

Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? A: $3.99 a minute

Q: What is the definition of "making love"? A: Something a woman does while a guy is screwing her.

One sperm says to the other, "How far is it to the ovaries?" The other one says,"Relax. We just passed the tonsils."

Did you hear about the new blonde paint? It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead? A: The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.

Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead? A: The sex is the same, but you get the remote.

Q: What's the difference between Pee-wee Herman and O.J.? A: It only took 12 jerks to get O.J. off.

Q: What is another term for lesbian? A: Vagitarian

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of truelove? A: The swallow

Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme? A: Humpme Dumpme

Q: What do you call a mushroom with a 12 inch stem? A: A fungi to be with.

Redneck Birth Birthcontrol

After having their 11th child, an Georgian couple decided that was enough,as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.

A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Georgia), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Georgian said to the doctor, I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me. "Trust me", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Mississippi West Virginia, Oklahoma, Kerry and Fermoy.

Clever Wife

A man left for work one Friday afternoon, but since it was payday, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck instead of just going straight home. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and a two-hour tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply asked, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

The man replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough that he could see her a little bit out of the corner of his left eye.

Boy, girl or what?

Three pregnant women--a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde--were sitting in the OBGYN waiting room, discussion conception.

"My husband and I conceived in the missionary position," said the brunette, "so our baby will be a boy."

"My boyfriend and I conceived in the female-superior position," said the redhead," so we're having a girl."

As the blonde listened to the two women's conversation, she suddenly burst into tears. "My god!" she cried, "I'm having puppies!"

Infidelity

Pat was dying. His wife, Kristi, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

"My darling Kristi," he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk." He was insistent. "Kristi," he said in his tired voice. "I...I Have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Kristi. "Everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Kristi. I...I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know," Kristi whispered softly. "That's why I poisoned you."

Jewish Towel

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion. "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."

They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and she isstill unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi."Okay", says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, "You see, THAT'S the way to wave a towel!"

Memories

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that." She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"

Safari

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the wife awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife cried, "What are we going to do?" "Nothing," said the husband."The lion got himself into this mess. Let him get himself out of it."

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

A pretty blonde was washing a mans hair in a barbers shop. "How about a date when you finish work?" he asked. "I can't" she replied, "I am married." "So call up you husband and tell him you're going to visit a sick friend," said the man."Why don't you tell him yourself" said the girl, "he's the one shaving you."

Hot Chocolate

A young divorcee was sitting at a bar one night, when she noticed a young, attractive black man just a few stools away. She'd never seen for herself if the stories about black men were true, so shee took the opportunity to buy the young stud a drink. One drink led to another, and those led to the couple going back to the divorcee's apartment. Once there, the woman stripped naked, climbed up in her bed, struck a sexy 'come-hither' pose, and whispered "okay, you gorgeous piece of chocolate man. Show me what young black men do best".

So he beat her up and stole her stereo.