Miscellaneous, Part I

If money could talk, it would say 'goodbye'.

Here's your problem," says the doctor to the first-time father. "This baby's in serious need of a diaper change." Looking baffled, the man replies, "But the package says it's good for eight to 10 pounds!"

Walking past the big wooden fence around the insane asylum, a guy hears everyone inside chanting, Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!" His curiosity piqued, he finds a hole in the fence and looks inside. All of a sudden a finger shoots through the hole and pokes out his eye, and the inmates start wildly chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

The Professionals

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered." The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order." The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded. The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their head and their butt are interchangeable."

Tourists

There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!" After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!" And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!" The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300. The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!" There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"

Amigo Bandito

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out." But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, gringo. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"

Then and Now concerns for people of the baby boom generation.

Then: Long hair. Now: Longing for hair.

Then: Keg. Now: EKG.

Then: Acid rock Now: Acid reflux.

Then: Moving to California because it's cool. Now: Moving to California because it's hot.

Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents. Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids.

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor. Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel. Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity.

Then: The Grateful Dead. Now: Dr. Kevorkian.

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint. Now: Getting a new hip joint.

Man's Best Friend

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker. To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do? The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, pooped on the paper, chased the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

The Lifesaver

There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into the local watering hole. The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other end of the bar. "Hey bartender" said the Engineer, "I'll have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end there." The bartender responded, "I'm sorry sir but that guy's a commie and we don't serve his kind around here." "Well, you'd better because if it weren't for that guy, I wouldn't be here. You remember that mine that caved in, well I was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get him a beer and if you don't believe me, look at the top of his head and you'll see that it's flat from holding the roof up." The bartender skeptically served the commie his beer and then came back to talk to the Engineer: "I saw the flat spot on his head but I also couldn't help noticing the bruising under his chin. What is that all about?" the Engineer responded: "Oh...that's where we put the jack."

A Quick Round

Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Sid offers Barney, "let's say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day." Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. "Help me find my ball, you look over there," he says to Sid. After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces triumphantly. Sid looks at him forlornly, "After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?!?" "What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!" "And a liar, too!!!" Sid says with amazement. "I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!"

Rats

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner the price. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and an extra thousand dollars more for the story behind it." "You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but, I'll take the rat." The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars....following him. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes racing to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with with one arm, while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can throw it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah sir, you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner. "No," says the tourist, "I was just hoping you had a bronze sculpture of a lawyer "

Ocean Bravery

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate ship. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled. Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels about to attack. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on. This time, the Captain and his crew repelled both pirate ships, although this time more casualties occurred. Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battles?" The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound, and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed more pirate ships were approaching, 10 of them, all ready to attack. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"

A True Friend?

Two close friends were trekking through the mountains and hills. Suddenly they were chased by a big, ferocious bear. The bear was gaining on them. The man running second place abruptly stopped and sat down on a log. The leader stopped and asked: "What is the matter?" The other man replied: "Nothing, I'm just changing to my running shoes." The leader said: "You're crazy, there is no way you're going to out run that bear!" The other man stood up and shouted: "I don't have to out run him, I just have to out run you!!"

The Prostitute and the Koala

There was a koala who was approached by a prostitute one day. He had never been with a prostitute before. Curious and excited, Koala spent the night with her and had a GREAT time......

The next morning, he went down on her one last time before departing. After he was done, Koala headed for the door and was about to leave when the prostitute yelled, "hey........what about my money?" Confused, the Koala turned around, gave her a puzzled look, shrugging his shoulders, and replied "Huh?" "Come here....." she said and pulled a dictionary out of her purse. She pointed to the word "prostitute" and its definition: "has sex and gets paid."

Finally understanding, the koala borrowed her dictionary, turned to the word "Koala" and showed her its definition: eats bush and leaves.

The Elevator

Jack visits a new whore-house. A very luxureous and comfortable one which of course has an elevator. On the first floor there's a sign which says: "Blonde babes". On the second floor the sign reads: "Hot brunettes". On the third floor the sign says: "Exotic girls and special requests". Curiously, he visits the fourth floor. There he finds a sign saying: "What exactly do you want? Do you want to score or do you just want to play with the elevator?".

The Sultan of Brunei

The Sultan of Brunei was getting a bit cheesed off as he had 6 children, all girls, and therefore had no son and heir. Imagine his joy then,when one of his wives presented him with his only son and heir.

Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side and said, "Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you". His son replied,"Daddy, I would like an aeroplane". Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him British Airways.

Just before his son's seventh birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get for you." His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat". Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him P&O Ferries.

Just before his son's eight birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, shall get for you." His son replied, "Daddy, I would like something to watch films on". Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him MGM Studios and their cinemas, where he watched all his favourite Western Movies.

Just before his son's ninth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I shall get for you." His son, who had caught the 'Western' movie bug, replied, "Daddy, I would like a cowboy outfit". Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father went and bought him the England football team!

Cheap Spellchecker

Adam & Eve

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

Come in...

A Jehova's Witness knocked on the front door of a home, and heard a faint, high pitched, "Come In". He tried the door and it was locked, so he went around to the back door. He knocked again and heard again the high pitched "Come In". As he entered the kitchen a large, mean, snarling Doberman met him. As he plastered himself against the wall he called out for help. Again, he heard the "Come In". He slid down the wall to the living room to see a parrot in cage. He said, "For Pete's sake, is that all you can say is 'Come In'?" The parrot laughed and said "Sic Him"

Psychiatrist

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. "you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!" "Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." "How much do you charge?" "A hundred dollars per visit." "I'll sleep on it," said Shakey. Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. "For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars." "Is that so! How?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

The Bear and the Rabbit

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner. The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes... Bear, you go first." The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female. For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that. It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well." Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle. For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female." The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said "I wish that the bear was gay..."

Actual Business Signs

1. In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
2. On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
3. Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
4. In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
5. On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.
6. At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
7. On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
8. On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."
9. On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
10. At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
11. Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
12. In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."
13. On a desk in a Reception Room: "We shoot every third salesman, and the second one just left."
14. In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
15. At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
16. In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"
17. On the side of a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got."
18. In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
19. Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
20. In a Cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."

The Gorilla

A guy wakes up one morning and finds a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book and finds a gorilla removal service. When he asks if they can remove the gorilla they ask, "Is it a male or a female?" "Male", he replies. "Oh yeah, we can do it. I'll be right there," he states. An hour later , the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions. "I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls out of the tree. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself, allowing you to put the handcuffs on him." The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun"? The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla does, shoot the fucking Chihuahua."

Pink Suit Sale

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him. "Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!" "Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked. "That's the one!" That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?" "Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."

Why Americans Should Never Be Allowed To Travel: A Dozen Stories Provided by Travel Agents.

1 - I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

2 - I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click.

3 - A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state."

4 - I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said, "But they look so close on the map."

5 - Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

6 - A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

7 - A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" ( I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

8 - A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

9 - I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

10 - A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

11 - A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

12 - A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

Fluctuations

An Asian man walks into the currency exchange in New York with 2000 yen and walks out with $72. Next week he walks in with 2000 yen, gets $66. He asks the lady why he got less money this week than last week. The lady says "Fluctuations". The Asian man storms out, and just before slamming the door turns around and says "Fluc you clazy Amelicans too!"

The TOP 10 Complaint of Modarn Day Vampires

And the #1 complaint of Modern-day Vampires -

1. Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richard.

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