Men versus Women
NICKNAMES: If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
EATING OUT: When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the
pocket calculators.
MONEY: A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking,
men kick cats.
FUTURE: A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS: A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL: Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Translating Men
"I'm going fishing." Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"Let's take your car." Really means...."Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."
"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen." Really means...."As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color
besides white."
"Can I help with dinner?" Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.
"Good idea." Really means.... "It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."
"Have you lost weight?" Really means.... "I've just spent our last $300 on a cordless drill."
"I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means...."The batteries in the remote are dead."
"We're going to be late." Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac, even though I don't need one"
"Hey, I've read all the classics." Really means...."I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."
"You cook just like my mother used to." Really means...."She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."
"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind." Really means...."I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means.... "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear." Really means...."Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means...."I forgot our anniversary again."
"You expect too much of me." Really means...."You want me to stay awake."
The 3 fastest means of communication
=--= Telephone Television Tell-a-woman
Observation
Today's woman puts on wigs, fake eyelashes, false fingernails, sixteen pounds of assorted make-up/shadows/blushes/creams, living bras, various pads that would make a linebacker envious, has implants and assorted other surgeries, then complains that she cannot find a "real" man.
Politically Correct Terms
About Females
She does not: Get PMS She becomes: HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL
She does not have: A Killer Body She is: GEOMETRICALLY SUPERIOR
She is not: A Bad Cook She is: MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE
She is not: A Bad Driver She is: AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED
She is not: Easy She is: HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE
She does not: Cut You Off She becomes: HORIZONTALLY INACCESSIBLE
She is not: Hooked On Soap Operas She is: MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED
She does not: Wear Too Much Make-Up She is: COSMETICALLY OVERSATURATED
She will never: Gain Weight She will become: A METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER
She is not: A Screamer Or Moaner She is: VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE
She will never: Sag She will become: GRAVITATIONALLY CHALLENGED
She does not have: Big Hair She is: OVERLY AEROSOLED
Training Courses Now Available for Men
1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding
4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? : You CAN Tell the Difference!
6. If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I
7. If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II
8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In
10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In
11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink
12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!
14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill
15. Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts
16. No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the 4 Limitations of Your Kitchenware
17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means
19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut
20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category or Selecting movies that don't star John Wayne on television
>21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh
23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet
24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed
25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!
26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty
27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them
28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime
29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It
You never have to worry about other's feelings
The Great Memory Debate
Three guys are debating who has the best memory. First guy says, "I can remember the first day of my First Grade class." Second guy says, "I can remember my first day at Nursery School!" Not to be outdone, the third guy says, "Hell, that's nothing. I can remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with my mother."
The true definition of Men's Names:
Aaron - ugly but has the best yumuka.
Adam - cute, funny and needs a bath.
Adrian - usually short and very horny, watches cartoons.
Alan - shy but sensitive, gets screwed over by women.
Alex - cute and short but very open to corruption.
Andy - boring and has a small pecker.
Andrew - gay and still has a small pecker.
Antonio - has a great body and beautiful skin, and chicken brain.
Anthony - great guy and kind to all girls, smells of weed.
Arnold - loser.
Arthur - hung like a slave and celibate.
Barry - lights fires and pinches girls bottoms.
Ben - funny and can be real difficult to beat at games.
Bob - quiet and unpopular, eats with his hands.
Brad - thinks everyone likes him...but they don't.
Brandon - good looking but uses girls.
Brendan - quiet and sweet, gets beaten up all the time.
Brett - world wide slut and really insensitive, women love him.
Brian - mean and only thinks of himself, no he's not the Messiah, he's just a
naughty boy.
Bryan - sexy, but stupid - can't spell.
Bronsen - annoying and never grows up - has a stupid name.
Bruce - stinks bad and thinks everyone else's name is also Bruce.
Bryce - fun to be with and will make you laugh, you'll kill him within a week.
Calvin - immature in a naive way, drives a Gemini.
Cameron - thinks he's funny...he's not, falls asleep during sex.
Carson - fun to be around and really sensitive.
Chad - cute, sensitive and very studly - only found in American movies no real person has that name.
Chris - can't pull, will pay for women, but has a huge pecker and can use it too.
Christian - very sexy and seductive (think 'Legends of the Fall').
Clark - hilarious and always in trouble, problem with 'jailbait'.
Clayton - very sweet and adores girls, but very superficial.
Cole - nice, funny, and fun to be around.
Con - lies to women and blows up public buildings.
Cory - funny but ugly, ends up running fashion magazines.
Craig - tries to fit in - he never does.
Cyril - well, Cyril.
Dale - Charming , but sleeps with men.
Damola - Big, black, strong & long.
Damon - total loser in a sweaty sort of way.
Dan - quiet but funny, but becomes easily addicted to narcotics.
Dane - weird but can hold together a conversation with a mermaid.
Daniel - enjoys root vegetables in every orifice.
David - hotty and works out a lot, loves girls named florence.
Dave - extremely sexy, always funny, intelligent, good in bed,stylish, trendsetter - i.e. a wanker.
Dean - full of himself and thinks with his dick.
Dennis - either very nice to girls or a faggot.
Derek - has a great mummy, and blow-up doll collection.
Dominic - hilarious and will do anything to please.
Don - dickhead.
Doug - has a greasy face, drinking problem and warts.
Drew - bad-arse losers who never shuts up.
Dylan - horny bastard, who can't sing.
Dwayne - cool guy to be around if you can handle his name.
Eddie - wants too many chicks he'll never get 'cos he's an arsehole.
Eric - shy.
Erik - funny and treats girls how he wants to be treated.
Evan - a little slow but sweet, sexy, and model mental patient.
Frank - "different" - missing DNA - favours girls named Lucy.
Gareth - sweet but dresses too good to be straight.
Gary - drug addict but willing to share.
Gavin - likes bondage, S&M with other men.
Geoff - prefers golf to sex and war to peace.
George - barman who drinks more than he serves.
Glen - the sweetest guy -really down to earth.
Graham - very hard to understand, likes group sex.
Grant - HORNY! but so sweet and you can talk to him about anything.
Greg - really sweet and feels sorry for himself.
Haydn - tries hard.
Howard - likes small-breasted women and pornography (doesn't everybody!).
Ian - really popular but thinks all the girls want him.
Jake - shy and sweet but a slut when drunk.
Jay - very sweet when you get to know him well.
Jeff - really ugly.
Jerome - gay, but very unhappy.
Jeremy - loud and thinks that he's all that he says he is.
Jermaine - ugly and makes girls puke.
Jesse - unpopular and needs to move on.
James - sweet, kind and always laughing.
Jack - stupid but hot.
Jimmy - sweet, has fantasies of love and affection.
Joe - built like a bear, sexy but tends to lose his head.
John - has no friends or life - tends to kill small animals.
Jonathon - think he's good - he's shit.
Jordan - sexy but weird in bed.
Jose - hot boy with a love of hermaphrodites.
Josh - full of himself, fun.
Junior - hotty and totally good at football.
Justin - aggravating but loveable, insecure but successful.
Kain - the sexiest guy alive but very stuck up.
Kevin - can never get a girlfriend.
Keith - good person to talk to when you have a problem - his is worse.
Kenneth - very, very...anything you want him to be.
Kim - very understanding and caring, feels lost in Korea.
Kurt - can kick anyone's arse.
Ky - see Kain.
Kyle - hornball who eats too many cornchips.
Larry - cute but wannabe player with big arse.
Laurey - short and funny looking.
Leigh - girl dressed up as boy.
Liam - loud mouthed arsehole, normally found in rock bands and pubs.
Lorenzo - fine and dresses in stolen gold.
Louie - unconventional, wise and annoying.
Lukarse - fat loser that dates other men.
Luke - seems to be sweet - Luke Solomons exactly!
Malcolm - tall man who tends to lose his trousers.
Mark - wished girls liked him for who he is not his great looks, mouthy bastard though.
Matt - the Fat Boy of the class, likes sweets and is full of shit.
Mike - very good looking but he'll do anything for a girl, which is totally sweet.
Michael - the ugliest dog and he don't get any.
Nathan - stupid as hell, and tends to make others feel like he's there.
Nick - HORNY! but really nice - can't get past the missionary position though.
Neil - sweet and will do anything in this world for you, great in bed.
Oliver - likes men but is in denial.
Oscar - loser, a good name for a dog.
Owen - cute guy who is immature, and sings Welsh songs.
Patrick - drunk, drunk, drunk.
Paul - cool, calm and handsome, a quality only found in gays.
Peter - cutie but very shy, makes women feel like virgins.
Phillip - stupid idiot who wishes he were cool.
Reagen - ...strange.
Rhys - had his mind stolen by aliens a long, long time ago.
Ricky - ugly shithead who everybody hates.
Rikki - see above.
Richard - can't stop wanking and has more wet dreams than anybody.
Rob - tall and ugly...everybody hates him.
Rodney - as wide as he is tall, as intelligent as he is unique.
Ron - dresses like AFL footballer and likes to prance.
Ross - total loser and computer genius.
Rupert - arrogant twat who is crap in bed but thinks he is a stud.
Russell - likes to play in the leaves which makes him an arsehole.
Ryan - short but sexy body and even sexier mind.
Sam - wannabe sex machine.
Scott - has serious disabilities.
Sean - has small testicles and no friends.
Seth - so sweet to other people but is a traitor.
Simon - quiet and simple, talks bollocks.
Shane - thinks everybody wants to shag him - he's a virgin.
Shannon - the most determined and persevering sweety in the world.
Shaun - bit of a hard bastard, thinks women love him.
Steve - popular and funny when looked at side-on.
Stuart - droll guy with great arse and suicidal tendencies.
Tim - hot but a bit strange, can never tell where he is.
Toby - bastard.
Tom - cool but can be arrogant.
Tony - hot, sweet, and totally fun to be around.
Travis - fat and horny with the best XXX collection to be found.
Trevor - sweet and funny but sometimes untrustworthy.
Troy - cute and popular.
Taylor - gay.
Warren - cool, homosexual guy.
Wesley - great guy and easy to tolerate.
Will - wishes he were popular.
Zach - sweet and polite and adorable.
Zahid - devious and sly. Not to be trusted.
It's Started
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.
He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute." The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore . . ."
The man sighs and says, "It's started . . "
The Note
TO MY DEAR GIRLFRIEND (WIFE):
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
