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Every now and then, someone posts something on the guestbook that has me falling about laughing. Sometimes spoof, sometimes sarcasm, sometimes me editing trolls and sometimes I even remember to cut and paste it to one side for a Guestbook Gems section which I have singularly failed to set up for at least 18 months. Below are the most notable examples of this genre.
Sent: 14.14 - tue 17 sep 2002
"It's absolutely amazing how it seems how an unwritten time scale is used by posters on this GB. It doesn't alter from season to season. I can be totally oblivious of what time of year it is or what happened recently, and I will be able to get that information from the postings on this GB. Example:
"The intro is crap".... The beginning of the hockey season.
"player x has signed for team y, allegedly because his wife likes the bunnies in the local zoo".... Mid summer.
"We will do better next season, just wait and see!!"... Just after the end of the season.
"The play-offs is just a money spinner for the ISL"... Our team didn't make it and I am not going to the finals weekend.
"The challenge cup(or any other cup) is not an important competition"... Again, we didn't make it to the finals.
"Team x is crap...team y is crap"..... Anytime during the season when not a lot seems to be happening.
"The management is crap".... Applies to any time during the year.
" The ref was crap"... We lost.
"The ref had a good game"... We won.
"Rick Brebant is a cheating low-life"... A fact of life
Pantherman's thoughts on the way the ISL was shaping up for the 2001/2002 season
Name: PantherMan
Location: Nottingham
Sent: 15.04 - tue 21 aug 2001"A secret briefing letter to all Super Leagues owners has been leaked to the "Pusillanimous Puck" an organization dedicated to cleaning bulls**t from British hockey.
The briefing notes outline the future of hockey here, as advised by PriceyHouseWaterCloset and describes how the owners will move forward with their plans to exploit the profitability of Games played in Britain.
This secret project known only to a small coterie of Hockey owners as: "Creating Rapid Aftermarket Positioning (C.R.A.P) was started towards the end of last seasonEach owner was given two nano-seconds to expand their management vision and corporate strategy for her/his respective club. (those that found this timescale to be lengthy were advised by representatives of PriceyHouseWaterCloset to "sit and visualize the market position of your club within five years and transmit your vision and synergy via Alpha brain wave patterns to the rest of the group." After a delay of some three hours to wake some of the more reticent owners the presentations started.
The Pusillanimous Puck witnessed the following:
Running order was, eventually, determined by those owners with the loudest and most annoying toned voice.
LONDON:
Owner: Irwin W. Fundamentalist-Bushweiller-Heal-Me-Lord-Heal-Me III.
London Knights will henceforth be known as "Dear Olde London Town" Players will be dress in traditional Beefeater uniforms and carry weapons (ceremonial). Marriott hotels will refurbish Docklands Arena in keeping with the demands of all American tourists. Coke and fries will be mandatory issue to all - including babes in arms. Mike Ware will become psychology coach to the team addressing the issues of "restraint and the optimum way to control anger and aggression on-ice."
New Team Name: "Dear Olde London Town."MANCHESTER:
Owner: An unnamed planet of the constellation Ogdanish 4079:
Manchester Storm will be owned outright by Manchester United Football Club. Egos of all at MUFC and Storm staff and fans will be combined to produce enough superheated air to warm every home and office during a Mancunian winter for the next century.
New Team Name: "United we Storm"NEWCASTLE:
Owner: Sven Smithorsko
Newcastle Jesters will be owned and managed by the Production Line workers of the main manufacturing plant of Volvo out of Gothenburg. Each player will be supplied with airbags and GPS systems in lieu of salary payments. Paul Smith will be re-engineered into Side Impact Bars on the latest generation of Volvo.
New Team name: "Torslandawhyayh" translates to YouGottaBeKiddinMeAgain.CARDIFF:
Owner: Shirley Bassey Ball Gowns Inc.:
Cardiff Devils will be owned and operated by "Shirley Bassey Enterprises Inc." Players will undergo cosmetic surgery involving silicone "muscle augmentation." Nicky Chinn is to be re-hired. Shirley comments: "Silicone implants will not be required for this little doughboy."
New Team name to be "My Team, My Way."BRACKNELL:
Owner: McDonald's:
Bracknell Bees will become a farm team for "Dear Olde London Town" Bracknell Arena will be used for burger storage and a bun depot. Nicky Chinn expresses interest in visiting the production facility...
New Team Name: "McDonald's, Bracknell"AYR:
Owner: Universal Studios.
Ayr will be reborn as gritty Scottish characters fighting for freedom and independence. Players uniforms redesigned to "reflect their rich Scottish heritage." Mel Gibson will replace Paul (pint of) Heavey in a unique and innovative move to market Ayr in Hollywood.
New team Name "Bravepuck on Ice"BELFAST:
Owner: Ernest Saunders:
Belfast Uniforms are redesigned into black pants and white jerseys. Following on from the overwhelming Support for last years Giants team Ian Paisley and Gerry Adams have agreed that major dental work be carried out in their respective mandibles in order that additional seating can be installed.
New Team Name: "The Guinness Boys"NOTTINGHAM:
Owners: The people of Nottingham.
Nottingham Panthers owner Neil Black elaborates on his dream to: "To make Panthers a truly egalitarian outfit" A manifesto is to be drawn up allowing the team to be owned by all those that contribute to 'Panthers Lair.' Black comments: "I had so much mail telling me how badly I run Panthers I decided the most democratic way to do this would be to let the fans run it." As yet volunteers to run the club could not be found - they were, apparently, too busy bemoaning the fact that Black was: "At it again." "In his leather coat." - "doing nothing for us" - "not signing anyone" - "the season tickets have not arrived yet" - "the beers are too warm/expensive" - "my seat is plastic and the least they could do is have leather" - "there is curtain in the arena" - "Gary Moran is a Moron - and his jackets don't fit him" - "Barry Nieckar is great 'cause he can punch people really hard - he's is one great hockey player..." "The free car stickers are crap"
Mr. Black wishes to point out that his coat was made without inflicting suffering to any animal on this planet...
New Team Name: "GM free Panthers - and the arena music is awful"SHEFFIELD:
Owners: Her Majesty's Inland revenue Service, Sheffield Range Rover Dealership, and American Express:
Sheffield will be reborn as a gritty northern film showing the fire, fight and heart of a bunch of guys thrown on the scrap heap by an uncaring, despicable and low-life owner. The new Owners - Jeffery Archer Enterprises promise to always tell the truth to and involve the fans in each and every decision. Financial affairs will be the responsibility of Nick Leeson who comes with first class credentials and vast experience of the dealing rooms of a solid banking dynasty. Darren Brawn has offered his services as charity fundraiser and promised that all monies would be given to the nearest hospital for sick children or any fluffy animal with a limp - if non of these are available to receive funds then the local Range Rover dealership would be chosen. Unfortunately Dave Simms will no longer be part of the Steelers organization as his recent conversion to chanting Buddhism means that he must forego speech for at least 11 months of the year - the 12th month being spent in retreat in a convent in Halifax (that's Halifax, Nova Scotia)
New Team Name: "Tragically True."After all presentations owners were rubbed down with alcohol and platinum Amex cards.
Ian Layrot of the ILS (Mission Statement: "Hockey's governing body - free, fair and owned by the owners") was asked to speak on "What made the summer great for me:"
Ian outlined his knowledge of hockey (that's on ice) in Britain and how he was comfortable within his self on what had happened throughout his term in office. He remarked on his Contractual package and how grateful he was to the owners for not 'misunderstanding' the obligations placed upon them by his lawyers... He ended by informing the meeting that he was moving on to one of the biggest projects in his sporting career. He is to become the pharmaceutical manager for all Athletes during the next Winter Games. Commented Ian: "It's a great challenge - drug use has become pervasive within sport and I intend to highlight this and ensure that we look at it in greater depth - the marketing potential is tremendous. Mr. Layrot will be sponsored by Glaxo and Smith Kline Beechem - whose new marketing mission statement was recently released "Drugs in Sport - be the best you can - even if you aren't."
The meeting ended in the now traditional backslapping, guffawing and bank account bragging contest over coffee, malts and cigars"
Two Anti-Simms posts from the aftermath of the Steelers wage cap fiasco of last year
Name: Shamus the Ignoramus
The Hockey Shirt You Wear: Panthers
Location: Notts
Sent: 18.30 - fri 6 jul 2001"Latest rumour is that ice hockey fan Eminem has released a new single ahead of his UK tour, it goes:
My name is, my name is, my name is, Simms Shady
Hi kids do you like violence?
Wanna see Allison hit someone with his stick across the eyelids,
Wanna copy me and do exactly like I did,
Slash some little kids balloon, then offer them ten quid,
The ISL’s dead weight, I’m tryin to get my head straight,
But I can’t figure out if Smith or Lea will pay me the best rate.
And Ian Taylor says, ‘Simms Shady you are basic’
Then why does every fan in the league want to see you wasted,
Well since age twelve I’ve been louder than everyone else,
So I’m coming to the GB game so you all can hear me as well
I’ll scoff a fat pile of pies, then shoot out of sight
Faster than Darren Brown did when the taxman came that night
By the way, any truth in the rumour that the Steelers have signed Mansoff
No Simms just made it up cos he loves to p*ss the fans off.My name is, my name is, my name is, Simms Shady"
Name: Nick
The Hockey Shirt You Wear: Too old for hero worship
Sent: 19.02 - mon 6 aug 2001"Dave Simms is interviewed by the Sheffield Star...
Simms: This year we are bringing a whole, new exciting concept to hockey. As we are almost starting the season we've decided not to bother looking for players. We're gonna meet in a disco each week, have a dance and then buy loads of trophies at the end of the year!
Reporter: Yes Dave...........and the new concept ?"
Match Report of quite the most hilarious Leopard's game I ever attended at the semi-final of the Under-19's Playoffs
Name: Girl In A '20' Shirt
E-Mail: webmaster@pantherslair.co.uk
Website: http://www.pantherslair.co.uk"The Under 19 play offs were today. Nottingham Leopards 8 Swindon Cougars 2. YAAAAY ! HOWEVER, this does not tell the story of the Leopards game ! For those who left early to go to the Motorhead gig or parties etc, you missed one of the more ridiculous spectacles of ice hockey tonight.
Swindon haven't been beaten before today this season. They are obviously not used to losing. The game turned a bit nasty. The Leopards started well with two goals from Stefan Dodwell, Swindon managed to get one back, but their N/M was haemorrhaging while Leopards N/M Alan Levers was standing on his head.
The trouble started I think in the second when there was a scuffle between a Cougar and Norris. Norris wasn't having any of it and just watched laughing as the Cougar pushed at him, hopping up and down. Swindon player in the bin. The Swindon bin then started getting pretty crowded. A lot of it was their fault as whenever they took a penalty, someone else had a tantrum about said penalty and they got thrown in the bin two at a time. Then Radmall threw a block which conceded a penalty but he was stretchered off with a bad knee (he appeared to come back on by the third unless I got the wrong player).
In the third period, a Cougar was done for Diving, told the ref what he thought of it and got another 2 for arguing. The Leopards score was ticking over nicely during all this and Swindon swapped N/M's much to the starter's distress and he had a bit of a shout at his coach and then a bit of a cry on the bench.
Next a Cougar gets thrown out for a high speed elbow in Paul Moran's face. More tantrums. More Unsportsmanlike penalties. Two girls behind me are having a row about the foul on Moran and are threatening to lamp each other while Spik's caught in the middle going 'Now now, girls'.
There is then a series of penalties almost all on Swindon. Some were obvious, some were stupid arguing penalties and some were, um, rather touchy by the ref who by this time was calling everything. Swindon suffered about 4 occasions where they were 5 on 3 for 2 minutes due to various misconduct penalties. The Swindon Captain is going mental in the bin and gets thrown out for Gross Misconduct, lobbing his gloves into the crowd as he goes. Moments later the new N/M charges out of his crease to shout at the ref over another penalty and gets thrown out, meaning that the original N/M has to stop crying and get back in goal again. Cowley gets thrown out too, apparently volunteering to the ref for it. By this time the first two Swindon players to be thrown out are standing behind the plexi at one end in their underwear, still shouting abuse at the ref and mooning the home crowd.
Then the Leopards' Norris winds up the same player as last time, throwing an elbow to force him to duck. The Cougar goes bonkers rips off all his gear and chases Norris halfway down the ice to attack him. The stripeys manage to break it up and Norris is laughing his head off again. Cougar thrown out, Norris apparently voluntarily thrown out of the game by his own coach. The Swindon bench get a Gross Misconduct too though as a player left the bench to join in the brawl, so their coach (who we referred to as Baldrick due to his likeness to Tony Robinson) has a screaming fit at the ref and has to leave the bench in a huff.
The bin finally empties out and we're back to 5 on 5 with 2 minutes to go, when one of the smaller Leopards, Ben Bliss checks a Cougar quite hard, but legally, near the boards. Cougar goes down and Bliss is then the victim of a Scott Allison attack. Swindon's Number 5 charges from miles away, hits him in the back of the head, throwing him forward into the boards. All hell breaks loose and the stripeys have to dive in while the home crowd is screaming for the head of Number 5 on a plate. Swindon's assistant coach tells us that what happened to Bliss was justified as the player he checked was only 13. Err, if he can't take a check WHAT'S A 13 YEAR OLD DOING IN AN UNDER 19'S MATCH THEN ???
Its broken up, but it seems that Swindon's N/M has left his crease and got involved with a minute left. He skates over to the Leopards bench with two linesman haring after him, but he merely starts shaking hands and the game seems to be ended by both teams with the clock running out as the hand shakes are going on.
At 4pm tomorrow at the NIC Swindon have to play Cardiff in the 3rd & 4th place game. I am going just to see how many players Swindon actually have left unbanned and if they have any netminders. What are you doing tomorrow that's gonna be more entertaining then ?
From an anonymous poster
And now for something completely different
Top ten reasons Hockey is better than sex:10. It's legal to play hockey professionally
9. The puck is always hard.
8. The protective equipment is reusable, and you don't even have to wash it.
7. It lasts a full hour
6. You know you're finished when the buzzer sounds.
5. Your parents cheer when you score.
4. A two-on-one or a three-on-one is not uncommon.
3. Periods last only 20 min.
2. You can count on it at least twice a week.
1. You can tell your friends about it afterwards
Following the infamous bench clearance game of 9/2/01, when the Guestbook was swamped by raging arguments of thirty posts a day between Steelers and Pantherfans, partly due to the fact that the Steelers GB was taken offline in the furore
Saturday 02/10/2001 8:08:39pm
Name: Shaggy
E-Mail: dj.wright@ntlworld.com
Homepage Title: Persil to sponsor Sheffield next year?
The Hockey Shirt You Wear: Panthers home 98-99
Location: Nottingham"As I stated before, I don't think either team was blameless last night - there is no way that could possibly be true. But the sheer level of hypocrisy going on here from.... shall we say people who (temporarily) don't have their own GB to go to... is astounding! Examples:
1) Neickar is apparently Spawn Of Satan for cheap-shotting Vial from behind. Due to the fact that they are fine, upstanding citizens, Vial and Allison ARE allowed to attack from behind, on condition that they only target Panthers players. Allison is also permitted to jump off the bench and do this at high speed, cos he has a sick note from his mum.
2). Neickar allegedly ganged up on Vial 2-1 (although nobody seems sure with whom). It IS however, allowable for Sheffield players to gang up on No.44 in whatever quantity they wish, and McInerney can't be allowed to go one-on-one vs O'Neill, because everyone knows that a Big Mac is larger than your average burger to start with....
3)Greg Hadden is, in (some other) reality, a dangerous Hannibal Lector clone, and MUST at every opportunity, be hit from behind, boarded, etc. This is perfectly allowable, even after the whistle is gone. Oh yes, and he is actually a LOT bigger than he looks, especially when stood next to (for example) Rick Brebant.
4). Jason Weaver never grabs other players around the throat - he is merely trying to compliment them on their latest choice of aftershave in a friendly and comradely fashion.
5). Panthers fans are soooo obviously abusive terrorists-in-waiting who, at the nearest other arena, MUST be kept away from Sheffield fans by a 4-seat 'exclusion zone'. Plans for razor-wire, minefields, and guard dogs are already being considered. This is in contrast to Sheffield fans, none of whom have EVER said anything stronger than "oh darn!", or tried to insult the nearest GB administrator. Oh no, that could never happen! Please remember in all of this, that the Sheffield Steelers, and ALL of their supporters, are whiter than white, and have never been suspected of even receiving a parking ticket. Remember... they can do NO wrong!
This has been a broadcast from Radio Sarcasm, your friendly neighbourhood reality check. Oh @#%$! - was that a check from somebody in a Panthers shirt? - quick, send the video to the ISL Disciplinary Committee - he must be drummed out at once!
After Sheffield repeatedly sent in video clips of every infraction possible to the ISL for further discipline
Thursday 01/04/2001 8:48:45pm
Name: Jono#72
E-Mail: JonoB72@btinternet.com
Homepage Title: tcwfanzine@yahoo.co.uk
The Hockey Shirt You Wear: Jono#72
Location: Basford, Nottingham"Picked up this from today's Sheffield Star:
STEELERS IN ISL WEBLINK
Report by Wob BesterdaleThe Sheffield Steelers will cut out the cost of sending endless Videos by post to the ISL by having a live weblink of their games beamed direct to ISL HQ. This will enable the Steelers to cite other teams players as it happens rather than send a video after the game. Coach Mike Blaisdell explains "It cuts out the middle man really. So we can get our opponents players banned quicker we have set up the weblink. We could have done with it in our last game because there was a nasty incident when Rob Trumbley cynically and deliberatly head-butted Dennis Vial's fist several times. Dennis has had a sore hand since that game and we have sent a video to the ISL."Also today the Steelers launched their new merchandise which includes Steelers branded Rose-tinted spectacles and blinkers. GM Dave Simms said "Our fans are always telling anyone who'll listen that they are the best supporters in the league and with these two items they will be even more so."
After repeated complaints on the Guestbook about the Play-offs being at the NIC rather than Sheffield Arena
Thursday 01/04/2001 5:08:50pm
Name: BIHA press release
Location: All Team managers"It has been brought to our attention by the Sheffield organisation that we have made a massive error in picking the NIC as the venue for the play off finals . Clearly the Steelers could "fill the place twice over" with the 12,000 plus fans they attract every week. This leaves us with no alternative but to ask you to vote on the three following options.
1. The main arena at the NIC to be given to Steelers fans only. The second pad to be boarded and 150 tickets allocated to each of your clubs.
2. The game to be played on the small pad only 100 under 15s from each club allowed. The main arena to be boarded for Steelers fans only. The ISL will ensure a full size video wall and new scoreboard for the occasion.
3. All competition Finals to be held at Sheffield. No away supporters allowed to sully the hallowed Hall of the HOS.
You are asked to vote on your preferred option by 31/1/01. Any queries to be addressed to Dave Simms, Darren Brown or Mike Blaisdell who will reassure you of the unimportance of your club and Supporters in the ISL set up. Results of the vote will be released to the press on 5/3/01."
Thursday 01/04/2001 6:15:40pm
Name: ISL Press Release"After careful consideration we have decided to go with the opinions stated above and hand the NIC over to the Steelers. The decision has been a long and difficult one to make but it was decided that they would best suit the requirements we have laid down and also the fact that you lot won't be needing it come play offs."
Panthers4Ever posted all three of these after we drew yet another game we really should have won which sent us to the bottom of the league
Tuesday 01/02/2001 10:53:26pm
Name: Mr. Damp behind the Ears
E-Mail: What ....where ... what day is it
Location: Cuckoo Land
"Now look , don't give me a hard time, its tuff being a coach you know. Do you know how tuff it was after the second period to go in the dressing room with all them big tough guys and try and tell them that they might have to put a little bit more effort in !!!!!! OK so I bottled it and told them they were doing quite well, we had 3 shots on goal and that's not too bad, and to keep dumping and chasing, it might confuse the other team...and just keep up the good work."Tuesday 01/02/2001 10:53:43pm
Name: Mr Neel Blick
The Hockey Shirt You Wear: I don't wear hockey shirts.
Location: Somewhere in london"I have just had the phonecall from Gary with the excellent news that we picked up a point at home tonight, so before all you Panthers fans start moaning on this terrible unofficial guest book thing, let me tell you that we are ensuring that you have more value for money than any other hockey fans in the UK. Just think of all them extra five minutes and penalty shoot outs you are getting for free. You can pick up your applications for next season now at the lobby. Next year we are going to have a team that not only are going to be contenders for the league, but some of them will be able to skate.....and some have seen a puck before."
Tuesday 01/02/2001 10:53:36pm
Name: Mr Moron
E-Mail: thats a bit technical for me
The Hockey Shirt You Wear: Our Pauls shirt
Location: Somewhere in Wollaton"Look I know some of you lot out there wonder what I do for the club....well......erm....... I have a hard day at the office that's what I do.......I erm ....answer the phone...no I don't do that erm.....I write some letters....I try and convince people to sponsor us....., I say think how good you name will look on our shirt when we are losing on the third page from the back of the Nottingham Evening Post.... Hey I do some advertising......I got a lovely car for the kids to run around in Panthers colours, I don't even have to give them petrol money now its great....look I try my best...I do please don't be hard on me I'm a very nice guy. Its not easy promoting a team that loses every week you know."
An abusive troll who fell foul of my post editing policy
Monday 01/22/2001 10:51:57pm
Name: Eagles Fan"I think all you Panthers fans need to get a reality check. How can you remain so entirely unenlightened by the beauty that is Scott Young ? His flowing locks are a delight to behold and I think all players should wear their hair long as it looks so lovely when they fly past as though their skates belonged to Mercury himself ! Apparently Kendra is now following a policy of amending the posts of people who break her Guestbook Charter. I'm glad I don't abuse other fans on their websites as that would might mean I need to get a life. Fortunately, I am wholly fulfilled by my love of hockey which is second only to my love of crochet knitting. Does anyone want to see this lovely bobble hat I've just made ?"
