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1) FIELD MORE BALD PLAYERS
During World Cup 98 and Euro 2000, the French boasted
the shiny pates of Fabien Barthez and Frank Leboeuf, not to mention the
egg-in-the-nest look favoured by Zinedine Zidane, with notably successful
results. England, meanwhile, fielded the shaggy Steve McManaman alongside
the surely over-hirsute David Seaman. Heartbreak quickly followed.
Top marks to David Beckham for having a go by shaving
his locks, but England haven't fielded a player with serious hair loss
since Steve Stone fleetingly bustled his way into the reckoning. And is
it any coincidence that we won the World Cup with the thinning Nobby Stiles
in the side and only went out of the 1970 tournament when comb-over King
Bobby Charlton was substituted? We say: Bring back Alan Cork!
2) GET BETTER GIRLFRIENDS
As they trudge home, weary from battle, the French know full well that the likes of Linda Evangelista, Adriana Skleranikova and the frankly well-upholstered Agathe Petit will soon be slipping a croque monsieur into the microwave, pressing play on that Vanessa Paradis CD in the boombox and preparing for a night of l'amour. Though Tony Adams' brief dalliance with Caprice did much to up the ante for England, our proudest boasts are, in descending order of loveliness:
1. Louise Nurding (for the one match a year when Jamie's
not injured).
2. Victoria 'Posh Spice' Beckham - as beautiful as she
is talented.
3. Sundry Essex bottle blondes called Debbie.
The fact that our girls almost certainly have smoother
armpits is no cause for complacency.
3) COLONISE MORE SMALL COUNTRIES
Marcel Desailly, Lilian Thuram, Patrick Vieira and a handful of others weren't actually born in France, instead hailing from French-connected places as various as Ghana and Guadeloupe. The closest England appear to have come to matching thisworldwide recruitment policy is to unearth Graeme le Saux (Jersey) and Michael Owen (used to go to Wales on his summer holidays).
The way forward is clear: either use gunboat diplomacy
to colonise a series of small countries like Blighty used to back in the
Good Old Days or, if the former is deemed too politically incorrect, open
an FA Centre Of Excellence for the 26 inhabitants of the Falkland Islands
who are neither sheep nor penguins.
4) THE SCRABBLE FACTOR
Can it be any coincidence that even without the benefit of double- or triple-word scores, 'ZINEDINE ZIDANE' is worth 34 on the Scrabble board, while 'BIXENTE LIZARAZU' would get you an even more impressive 42. 'ALAN SHEARER', by contrast, is worth a scant 14. A good job he's retiring.
Oh for the days when Albert Quixall - surname worth 23
points alone!? - bossed the midfield for England. And surely more could
have been done to prevent 51-pointer Muzzy Izzet playing for Turkey?
5) USE MORE PLAYERS WITH GIRLS' NAMES
Not only does a glance at the European champions' team sheet reveal the openly girlish Lilian Thuram, Fabien Barthez and Emmanuel Petit, but the French also insist on giving Laurent Blanc and Nicolas Anelka a touch of femininity by refusing to pronounce the final letter of their first names. Alas, this only seems to work with Christian names, so there's no need to call up Darren Eadie or persuade Steve McManaman to become the less sexist Steve McWomanawoman.
The only option appears to be judicious deed polling,
leaving us with a line-up including Paula Ince, Denise Wise and Phyllis
Neville. Perhaps former England skipper Emma-Lynn Hughes could see to it?
