|
Welcome to my mullet haven. If you are unaware of this beacon of bad taste allow me to provide a brief synopsis.
"There's nothing quite as bad as a bad haircut. And perhaps the worst of all is the cut we call The Mullet". So wrote the Beastie Boys in issue 2 of Grand Royal magazine. Mike D was the first to coin the phrase and it has now entered into common parlance. The mullet is a style in which the offender has the hair short at the front - initially giving a smart appearance - coupled with a long mane at the back. The result is a haircut of unparalleled awfulness .
Popular in the 1980s, entering the zeitgeist and becoming the haircut to have, the mullet is now in decline. Only stubborn Mulletheads remain, refusing to accept the end of a decade of widespread heinous hair crimes. Some are blissfully unaware of their humorous haircuts, combining the cut with skinny ties and a tight-fitting grey polyester suit.
Mulletheads have a number of distinctive features which make it easy to segregate them from normal society. Nowadays there are two main types of Mullethead: Metal and Country + Western.
Metal Mulletheads wear light, stonewashed jeans which are often "fashionably" ripped. This can be combined with a Jack Daniels belt, a T-shirt of a suitable band (examples include Van Halen, Metallica and Bon Jovi) and a muscular upper body. They frequent shopping centres, guitar shops (where a "gnarly tool" can be obtained) and sleazy, white trash bars. Common vehicles are Harley Davidsons, pickup trucks and Ford Capris. Metal Mulletheads are the most common of the species.
The Country + Western Mullethead also wears stonewashed jeans, but rounds off the look with a cowboy hat and boots. Favourite artists include Garth Brooks and the Mullet King Billy Ray Cyrus. Their habitat tends to be the south of America, where Darwinism has not been accepted in many areas.
I recently discovered that the rat-tail (a close relative of the mullet) was pronounced illegal in Missouri in 1983. A $100 fine is given for first-time offenders whilst persistent criminals can expect 6 months in prison. Heartening news, I'm sure you'll agree. Hopefully this legislation can be extended to the mullet.
|
|
