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TOWARDS AN UNDERSTANDING OF THE MULLET
Conceptually, the Mullet is as much a state of mind as it is a haircut. It is possible, therefore, to not have a Mullet but be a Mullet Head (e.g. Phil Collins and O.J. Simpson), just as it is possible to have a Mullet but not be a Mullet Head (e.g., Graham Parker and Thurston Moore). Technically, the Mullet is several haircuts in one, "the best of both worlds," as Roller Derby fanzine once put it. For kids, it's the ultimate Woodstock II do: new wave on top, a bit b-boy on the sides and rock steady in back. The Mullet is also favored by those adult personages who wish to kick out the jams weekends but stay out of jams on weekdays. From their nine-to-five, Monday-through Friday grind (where the back can be hid in the shirt collar or ponytailed out of sight and mind), to the Saturday morning tailgater/football game (where alumni appreciate the bangs being out of their eyes and the sides above their ears), to the Eagles concert later that night (where you can literally let your hair down), to church and Sunday brunch at the Sizzler (where others are morally obliged to let you do your thing), the Mullet Head is never ill at ease. In short, or rather, in both short and long, the Mullet is the only hairstyle that allows the post-modern squares to live a full life with his parents' approval. In this sense, the Mullet is truly PG rated. The question is, does PG stand for Parental Guidance or Poor Guy and Poor Gal?
THE BRUTAL TRUTH ABOUT THE MULLET
Given that the Beastie Boys have gone so far as to write a song called "Mullet Head" (featuring Adrock's first-ever guitar solo, no less), it's safe to say that we at Grand Royal are obviously Mulletmad. Perhaps even to the point where, as derogatory as it might seem, our lives would definitely be lacking without the Mullet. While most people say "another day, another dollar," we say "another day, another Mullet," as each new dawn brings with it the promise of another Mullet sighting. We openly engage in this elitist pursuit because we'd like to think that our obsession with the Mullet is a salute to the most entertaining manifestations of the everyday world, i.e., a harmless conversion of other people's mundane human appearances into our own entertainment. Now you might ask, Don't these creeps have anything better to do than make fun of other people's haircuts? And the answer is yes and no. Yes, we have a shitload of stuff going on at any given moment, between putting out a magazine, running a record label and being in a band, but no, we don't have anything better to do than scrutinize other peoples' hairstyles if, as in this case, that hairstyle threatens the very fabric of the free world. For what was all that World Cup hypola last year but a thinly veiled conspiracy to gas soccer up as our new national sport and saturate the domestic marketplace with a new breed of Mulletized action figures? And for that matter, how "Free" can the "free word" be when the so-called Leader of the Free World, Bill Clinton himself, used to have something dangerously close to a Mullet (while his kid brother Roger to this day maintains a full blown bi-level perm)? As Grand Royal staff chrome-dome Wendell Fite would say: You figure it out.
THE POLITICAL CORRECTNESS OF THE MULLET
While the picture-perfect Mullet requires an Aryan, straight-as-a-door head of hair, many different people of many different ethnicities can and do sport Mullets that are as varied and vulgar as the peoples themselves. First off, let us not forget the Female Mullet, initially popularized in the post-modern era, as Dr. Tamra Davis points out, by Suzanne Pleshette on The Bob Newhart Show and Florence Henderson in The Brady Bunch. The "Femullet" was later perfected by tomboy tennis pro Martina Navritalova, both on the court and off (i.e., in the dyke bars). In fact, the Mullet is one of the most popular looks among lesbians, a diabolical irony given that those women who are least interested in men are invariably drawn to the most atrocious male hairstyle. Again, you figure it out. The gay male Mullet, by the way, has become virtually extinct after being momentarily in vogue amongst the perennially with-it homosexual populace during its glam-rock heyday (see "The Origin of the Modern Mullet").
Black people have Mullets, too. In fact, some of our best friends are black people, with Mullets. The one Ice-T had in that movie with Judd Nelson was particularly fierce, as was the literally cartoonish cut that Bishop from the X-Men comic book used to have. Of course there's always the rare but deadly Dreadlocked Mullet, a look last seen on the now-defunct wet-suit wearing combo Living Colour, and most likely the reason Lee Perry once remarked that "dread fuck up as far as I'm concerned." Probably the best-known Black Mullet is the Jheri Curl Mullet or "Poodle Cut" long preferred by pro basketballer Michael Cage and eventually appropriated by your boy Jean Claude Van Damme. The Poodle Cut's female cousin, the "Braided" or "Peep" Mullet, originally inspired by Bo Derek by way of Rick James, has actually become such a problem in most major cities that a Congressional Subcommittee recently opened an inquiry into the matter.
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