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"I Was a twenty something Mullethead for a Day" by Michael Diamond
11 :00 a.m. Spike and I let our fingers do the walking (that's '70s speak for check the Yellow Pages) and decide on Hollywood Wigs on Hollywood Boulevard in Hollywood, California. We are reassured that the Mullet wig is in stock when the woman on the phone goes, "Ohh, the shag!"
12:00 p.m. Depart for Hollywood dressed in vinyl trousers and listening to KNAC to get into right mood. This leads us to our first and most important Mullet discovery of the day: Smashing Pumpkins are in fact a heavy-metal band, and KNAC is nothing more than a heavy alternative to the already heavily alternative KROO. We'd bargained for some Priest and Sabbath but got AI Stone Gossard's Pilots instead.
12:30 p.m. Arrive at Hollywood Wigs, purchase light brown shag and obtain custom Mulletization from perplexed Asian proprietor. Only after repeated requests to look like Billy Ray Cyrus does reticent barber cut sides to desired length.
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1:00 p.m. Pull up to Musicians Institute of Technology, a.k.a. Mullet Institute of Technology, just as classes are letting out. With gig bag in tow, I muster the courage to mingle with students and initiate conversation by asking how the school is. Student Mullet Number One asks me what style of guitar I enjoy playing. I respond, "rock, riffs, licks, you know," while looking at ground. Then I ask if the school is very expensive and he confirms that "it's expensive, but 1'm doing it all on loans. I'm paying for it later." Next I ask if it's hard, and he states somewhat cryptically that "anyone can get in, but it's hard to get out. By the time you reach the third level, it's very difficult unless you have theory:' He pauses and then asks if I have any theory. I sheepishly but honestly reply no. "Then I strongly suggest you get some before coming here," he advises. Defeated, I try to mill around for a sec but soon head for Hollywood Boulevard in search of more like-minded Mullets.
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1:30 p.m. Proceed to generic rock T-shirt shop on Hollywood Boulevard. Amidst row upon row of black Cypress Hill, Pantera and Megadeth merchandise, we overhear our favorite Mullet quote of the day: "What I like to do is overdub a bunch of tracks of my leads first, and then I do my vocals." We're not exactly sure what that means, but we definitely agree that it's awesome.
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2:30 p.m. Following an uneventful lunch at heavy metal Denny's, where no significant Mullet sightings can be reported, we head for Aron's Records in hopes of getting dissed by the high-brow indie-rock cashiers for buying a Joe Satriani box set. Unfortunately, we soon realize that there are way too many Mulletheads and assorted Hollywood freaks already frequenting the place for management to be fazed by our appearance. I do, however, earn bonus points for spotting DGC A&R honcho Mark "Kato" Kates and conspicuously brushing up against him with my gig bag while sifting through the bins. At first mildly annoyed and then positively terrified, Kates moves away with increasing alarm before retreating to the far wall of the store, where I finally corner him and brandish a "demo tape" of "my band." Kates begins to bolt, but upon closer inspection recognizes and curses me. I finally go to counter, ask for new Smashing Pumpkins and am mortified to find that the sales people are more than happy to offer me assistance. (Reached for comment later, Kates revealed that "all I could think was, "Git!" I know it's been a few years, but this is still L.A. and there are a lot of these guys around. They make me uncomfortable.")
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3:30 p.m. After a quick stop at K-Mart to pick up some more Mullet haberdashery, we arrive at Mullet Mecca: The Guitar Center on Sunset. We bow in front of Eddie Van Halen's autographed guitar in the front window and enter the same shrine where some of the most important Mullets in history have shopped. I test-drive several different Flying Vs, but when Spike's wig becomes entangled in his camera's motor drive, suspicion is aroused. The store manager walks over and asks us if he can help us with something. We try to keep a straight face and say that we're just looking for a "gnarly tool." He then asks us what we really want, and we use the tried and true 'we're not from around here" excuse, claiming to be students from out of town in search of only a few snapshots at the world-famous G Center. So why were we putting on wigs and changing our outfits in the parking lot, he asks. We realize that our time as Mulletheads is almost up.
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